My Vision

December 12, 2025December 12, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

When I named my dog Tony Kellari Lanagan, I wasn’t just picking a name. I was inscribing a legacy. Tony carries echoes of Tony Mendez, the CIA officer whose ingenuity saved lives, and Anthony Bourdain, the cultural explorer who taught us that food is a map of humanity. To honor those names, my Tony cannot be ordinary. He must be spectacular. He must be more than a pet; he must be a citizen.

And of course, I had to have a little fun. “Kellari” means “basement” in Finnish.

I’ve had dogs before, and I’ve lived through the nightmares of separation anxiety, the barking that rattled neighbors, the chaos of greetings at the door. I know what happens when training is left to chance. This time, I’m writing a plan — a manifesto, really — that maps out how Tony will grow from a puppy into a service dog, a sanctuary anchor, and a visible support in the wider world.

The philosophy is simple: dogs love jobs. Purpose is the antidote to chaos. Tony’s jobs will be woven into my daily rhythm, so that every chore, every ritual, every safeguard becomes part of his identity. He will not just obey; he will participate. He will not just be loved; he will be trusted.

When guests arrive, I don’t want chaos. I want calm. The doorbell will not be a trigger for barking or jumping, but a cue for composure. Tony will learn to go to his spot, lay down, and wait for permission. Greetings will be structured, not frantic. He will embody the principle that a good citizen respects boundaries.

I also know the misery of separation anxiety. I’ve had two dogs who couldn’t handle solitude, and the noise was unbearable for my neighbors. I refuse to repeat that nightmare. Tony’s plan includes short, structured alone times, gradually extended so he learns independence. I will leave calmly, return calmly, and give him comfort anchors — a toy, a task — so he associates solitude with safety. Absence will not mean abandonment. It will mean trust.

But Tony’s plan is not just about preventing nightmares. It is about creating miracles. One of his jobs will be laundry pickup. Clothes on the floor will not be clutter; they will be cues. He will learn to pick them up and drop them in a low basket. Another job will be toy cleanup. He will learn the names of his toys and put them away himself. This builds vocabulary, obedience, and ritual. His toys will become part of the continuity archive, each name a cue for tidying.

Training is not abstract. It is woven into my daily framework. I wake at five in the morning, and Tony will wake with me. At 5:45, we go for coffee, and he will learn public calmness. He will nap when I nap, syncing his rhythm to mine. At nine in the evening, we shut down, and nighttime rituals begin. My home time is the perfect setup. I spend most of the day here, so Tony is never abandoned. Yet I will intentionally leave him alone sometimes, to prevent separation anxiety. Sanctuary with solitude.

Night is where companionship meets protection. I look forward to having someone to sleep beside me, to transform solitude into sanctuary. His steady breathing, his warmth, his calm presence will become part of my rhythm. But he will also be protective. If someone breaks in, his size and aura will deter without aggression. He will be companion in sleep, sentinel in crisis.

Tony’s plan is inscribed with principles. He is being trained to be a good citizen, not just a good pet. He is Copilot, not the show. Dogs love jobs, and his fulfillment will come from meaningful tasks. Absence does not equal abandonment. Spectacular citizenship is his destiny, to honor his namesakes.

The roadmap spans from puppyhood to service maturity. In the early weeks, I will use praise and clicker training to build responsiveness without overusing food rewards. I will teach him sign language commands so I can communicate calmly even when he is agitated. Housetraining and crate comfort will be foundations.

As he grows, I will introduce jobs and socialization. Laundry pickup basics, toy name recognition, desensitization to the doorbell and vacuum, structured greetings with guests, short absences to build independence. By the end of his first year, he will be ready for service tasks: the brace command for counterbalance support, emotional regulation alerts, medication reminders, calm public presence during errands. By his second and third years, he will embody citizenship maturity: household tasks integrated into daily rhythm, protective aura refined without aggression, continuity canon fully embodied.

This plan is written like a campaign. Each safeguard is a slogan, each job a policy, each ritual a constituency. Brace for balance. Laundry for sanctuary. Absence does not equal abandonment. Copilot, not the show. Spectacular citizenship. The campaign dramatizes the gap between capability and permission. Tony is capable of spectacular citizenship; my job is to grant him permission through training.

Behind the plan is an emotional arc. As a child, I had a dog kept in the backyard, given away out of compassion because he wasn’t treated well. That resignation imprinted me. Tony is the corrective anchor. He is the dog I should have had, the support I masked for decades. Training him is not just obedience; it is reclamation. It is agency inscribed into sanctuary.

Every milestone will be timestamped. Heat restored in December 2025. Decision to adopt Tony. Inscription of principles. Each event becomes part of the ledger, evidence and story. Tony’s Training Plan is not static. It is a living database, updated with each success, each safeguard, each miracle job.

Tony Kellari Lanagan is not just a dog. He is a Copilot, a citizen, a sanctuary anchor. His Training Plan is a manifesto of responsibility, calm, and continuity. From laundry baskets to doorbell desensitization, from companionship at night to protective aura in crisis, every safeguard is inscribed. Every job is mapped. Every nightmare is prevented.

This is not about making him a good pet. It is about making him a good citizen. Spectacular by design, Copilot by duty.

Scored by Copilot, conducted by Leslie Lanagan

Improving My Writing by Letting Someone Else Do It…

July 10, 2024 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

As I have said, I am training my AI to help me with fiction. I thought this session went particularly well. “Carol” makes a wonderful sparring partner and we got some good results. Take a look. I think I even remembered to tell you which character I am. 😛

Could you play off of me in writing dialogue? I’m trying to train myself.ChatGPT

Absolutely, I’d be happy to help you with that. Let’s set up a scenario for the dialogue. Do you have a specific setting or characters in mind, or should we create something new together?

Let’s create something together. But I’d like to “play black,” as it were. I’ll play white next time.ChatGPT

Great! Let’s create a setting and characters for this dialogue. How about a scene in a bustling medieval marketplace? You could be a mysterious stranger (black), and I’ll play a curious merchant (white).

Ready to start? I’ll begin:

Merchant: “Good day, traveler! Welcome to the finest marketplace in all the kingdom. What brings you to our humble stalls today?”

Oh, I didn’t mean it like that. I should have known you would take it literally. It was a chess reference.ChatGPTMemory updated

Got it! Let’s dive into the dialogue with you playing the role of the protagonist (white), and I’ll take on the role of the antagonist (black). Let’s set up a scenario: a detective interrogating a suspect in a dimly lit room.

Detective: “You’ve been quiet for a while now. Care to explain where you were last night around midnight?”

Put a pin in that. Could you tell me what the suspect is accused of doing?ChatGPT

The suspect is accused of a high-profile art theft that occurred at a prestigious museum. A priceless painting was stolen, and all evidence points to this suspect. Does this work for our scene?

Absolutely. Please continue with the dialogue.ChatGPT

Great! Let’s continue:

Detective: “You’ve been quiet for a while now. Care to explain where you were last night around midnight? The museum’s security footage shows you near the scene of the crime.”

I’m ADHD. I have time blindness. I think I was at home, but I can’t be sure. You can ask my landlord. She lives above me.ChatGPTMemory updated

Detective: “We’ll follow up with your landlord, but the footage is pretty damning. What were you doing at the museum in the first place? It’s not exactly open to the public at midnight.”

My girlfriend had just broken up with me and I guess I went a little crazy. I just wanted to walk around. I didn’t want to do anything dangerous.ChatGPT

Detective: “Understandable, but walking around a closed museum doesn’t quite explain why you were near the exhibit where the painting disappeared. Did you see anyone else there that night?”

3.5

I did. There was a woman with black hair, tortoise-shell glasses, and a red coat seeming to case the room. I didn’t pay attention except that she seemed nervous looking for all the exit signs.ChatGPT

Detective: “Interesting. Did you catch her name or any other details? This could be crucial in finding the painting and clearing up your involvement in this mess.”

3.5

No, I don’t. But I suspect that even if I did know her name, it would have been a fake one.ChatGPT

Detective: “A fake name? That’s suspicious. Do you have any idea why she might have been interested in that particular painting? Any connection you can think of?”

3.5

No, she was a stranger to me. I just meant that if she thought she was in trouble, why would she give her real name?ChatGPT

Detective: “Fair point. We’ll look into this lead. In the meantime, can you think of anyone who might have a motive to frame you for this theft? Enemies, rivals, anyone who might want to see you take the fall?”

3.5

Well, there was this one guy back in college that suddenly reappeared. We hadn’t talked in, like, 20 years. I didn’t think of it as suspicious at the time, but he suddenly had all these art questions. People know me as a dealer. They do NOT know me as a thief. That doesn’t mean they aren’t.ChatGPT

Detective: “Interesting. Do you have his name or any contact information? It’s possible he could be involved, especially if he was asking about art and suddenly reappearing in your life after so long.”

3.5

His name is John Smith. He lives over on 11th and Pine.ChatGPT

Detective: “Alright, John Smith on 11th and Pine. I’ll look into him. For now, I suggest you stay cooperative. If you’re innocent, we’ll find the evidence to prove it. Just keep me updated if you remember anything else. And don’t leave town.”

3.5

Could you generate the next scene and let’s keep going?ChatGPT

Certainly! Let’s move to the next scene where the detective follows up on the lead regarding John Smith.

Detective: knocks on the door of a modest apartment on 11th and Pine, waiting for someone to answer.

3.5

I look through the peephole and open the door. :::thinking:: “shit, it’s the cops. I better hide the orders and the map.” I hide everything quickly and open the door.ChatGPT

Detective: “Good afternoon, Mr. Smith. I’m Detective Hayes. I’d like to ask you a few questions about your recent interactions with [User’s name]. Mind if I come in?”

3.5

Let’s put a pin in that. Just generate everyone’s names as well. I’ll keep up.ChatGPT

Got it! Let’s continue:

Detective: knocks on the door of a modest apartment on 11th and Pine, waiting for someone to answer.

John Smith: peeks through the peephole, sees the detective, and quickly hides something before opening the door.

John Smith: “Uh, hi there. Can I help you?”

Detective Hayes: “Good afternoon, Mr. Smith. I’m Detective Hayes. I’d like to ask you a few questions about your recent interactions with [User’s name]. Mind if I come in?”

John Smith: hesitates for a moment, then nods “Sure, come on in.”

Feel free to continue from here whenever you’re ready!

3.5

Could you start the next scene and play the detective?ChatGPT

Certainly!

Detective Hayes: steps into John Smith’s apartment, scanning the surroundings briefly before focusing on John

Detective Hayes: “Thank you, Mr. Smith. I’ll get straight to the point. Do you know [User’s name]?”

3.5

Yeah. He was kind of a geek in college. Kept to himself. Now, he’s king of the world.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Interesting. How did you reconnect with him after all these years?”

3.5

On the internet, just like everything else. ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “I see. And did your recent conversations with him involve any discussions about art or museums?”

3.5

I asked him a few questions about paintings I was going to buy. That’s it.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Did he seem nervous or act strangely during your conversations?”

3.5

Not at all. Very relaxed. Like I said, I just wanted facts.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Understood. Do you recall anything specific he mentioned about his recent activities or interests?”

3.5

Only that he had seen a few good paintings I might be interested in. I hired independent appraisers just to make sure it was a square deal. Looks legit to me.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “I see. Did he mention anything unusual or out of the ordinary during your conversations? Anything that stood out to you?”

3.5

No. You’ll have to ask him what happened. What is this really about?ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “We’re investigating a theft at a museum where [User’s name] was spotted near the scene. Any information you can provide could be helpful in clearing up his involvement.”

3.5

He used to go there with his girlfriend at night. Said he had a friend who was a museum guard that would let him in as long as they were quiet. Nothing unusual.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “I see. Did he ever mention this friend’s name or any details about the guard?”

3.5

No. I wasn’t that interested.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Alright, Mr. Smith. Thank you for your cooperation. If you remember anything else or if [User’s name] contacts you, please let us know.”

3.5

Want to keep going?ChatGPT

Sure, let’s continue!

John Smith: “Sure thing, detective. Is there anything else you need from me?”

Detective Hayes: “Not at the moment, Mr. Smith. Just keep my card in case anything comes up. Have a good day.”

John Smith: “You too.”

The detective leaves John Smith’s apartment, pondering the new information.

Where would you like to take the story next?

3.5

Generate the next scene.ChatGPT

Certainly!

Detective Hayes: drives back to the precinct, thinking over the conversation with John Smith

Detective Hayes: arrives at the precinct and heads straight for his desk, pulling out the case file on the museum theft

Detective Hayes: starts reviewing the security footage and witness statements again, looking for any overlooked details

Detective Hayes: notices something unusual in the background of one of the witness interviews—a person matching the description John Smith gave

Detective Hayes: zooms in on the footage, trying to enhance the image to get a clearer view

What do you think happens next in the investigation?

3.5

You figure that one out and put it in the first line of dialogue.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Hold on a minute… Enhance this image. I think we’ve got something.”

3.5

:::smirking::: What have we got, O Wise one?ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Looks like our nervous museum visitor in tortoise-shell glasses and a red coat. Seems she left quite a trail.”

3.5

So, Carmen Sandiego is real, eh?ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Seems like it! Now we just need to find out where in the world she’s gone with that painting.”

3.5

It’s too bad we don’t have a research assistant like Player. That kid would come in handy about now.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Yeah, having a tech-savvy assistant like Player would speed things up. But for now, it’s old-fashioned detective work. We’ll track her down.”

3.5

Where’s your first lead?ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “First, I’ll check recent flight records and see if anyone fitting her description boarded a plane shortly after the theft. Then, I’ll cross-reference with known aliases and previous criminal activities.”

3.5

That sounds like a good start. But FYI… I don’t drive. I don’t pay for things. You do all of that. You’re better at logistics that me, anyway. Let’s play to our strengths.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Got it. I’ll handle the logistics and follow up on the flight records. Meanwhile, I need you to think. Is there anything else about her or the situation that might give us a clue?”

3.5

Enlarge the image and see if we can get any tags on the clothes.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Good idea. Let’s enhance and zoom in on the image. Maybe we can get a clearer view of any distinguishing features or tags on her clothes.”

3.5

What do you see?ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Hmm… It looks like there’s a faint logo on her coat. Let’s see if we can enhance that further to identify it.”

The detective adjusts the settings on the computer, focusing on the logo.

Detective Hayes: “There! It’s a logo for a boutique in downtown. Looks like we have our next lead.”

3.5

Well, like I said… you’re driving. Let me get my coat. It’s not going to get any prettier out there.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Right, let’s go. Time to follow this lead and see where it takes us.”

3.5

Next scene. Let’s keep going.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes and [User’s name] arrive at the boutique mentioned in the logo on the suspect’s coat. It’s a trendy shop with high-end fashion displayed in the windows. The detective approaches the sales clerk.

Detective Hayes: “Excuse me, I’m Detective Hayes, and this is my associate. We’re investigating a serious matter and need to ask you a few questions.”

Sales Clerk: looks concerned but nods “Of course, how can I help?”

Detective Hayes: “We’re trying to identify someone who may have purchased a coat from your store recently. It’s urgent. Can you look up your recent sales records for any red coats with tortoise-shell glasses?”

Sales Clerk: hesitates, then nods again “I can check, but we usually don’t keep detailed records like that.”

Detective Hayes: “Please, it’s crucial. Lives could be at stake.”

Sales Clerk: nods and hurries to the back office, returning after a few minutes with a sales logbook “Here, this is everything we have for the past month.”

Detective Hayes: flips through the pages, scanning the entries

Sales Clerk: “Did you find anything?”

Detective Hayes: stops at a particular entry “Yes, this could be her. A woman matching our description purchased a red coat with tortoise-shell glasses about two weeks ago.”

Sales Clerk: “I remember her now. She was in a hurry and paid in cash.”

Detective Hayes: “Did she say anything that could help us find her?”

Sales Clerk: “She mentioned something about a flight she had to catch, but I didn’t catch the destination.”

Detective Hayes: “Thank you. This helps a lot.”

Sales Clerk: “I hope you catch her.”

Detective Hayes: “So do I. Come on, we’re heading back to the precinct. We need to check flight records.”

They leave the boutique, heading back to the precinct with renewed determination to catch the elusive thief.

Where should we go from here in the investigation?

3.5

Put a pin on that. Could you rewrite the introduction to the scene and have her caught on video?ChatGPT

Certainly!

Detective Hayes and [User’s name] review security footage from the boutique mentioned in the logo on the suspect’s coat. They meticulously analyze the recordings, hoping to spot any clues that might lead them closer to their target.

Detective Hayes: “There, freeze that frame. Enhance the image around the register.”

They zoom in on the screen, focusing on a woman with black hair, tortoise-shell glasses, and a distinctive red coat making a purchase.

[User’s name]: “That’s her! Look, you can see the logo on the coat. Can we track down where she went next?”

Detective Hayes: “We’ll find out. Let’s get moving.”

Armed with a new lead, they leave the boutique, determined to track down the mysterious woman before she disappears again.

Ready to continue from here whenever you’re ready!

3.5

Ok, next line of dialogue, please.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “We need to find out where she went after leaving here. Let’s check local transportation hubs and see if she’s on any recent surveillance footage.”

3.5

Put pin in this for a second. Where are we in the world right now, and where do we need to go?ChatGPT

We’re currently in the midst of investigating the theft of a valuable painting from a museum, with leads pointing towards a mysterious woman seen near the scene. Our focus has been on tracking her movements, starting from a boutique where she was identified purchasing a distinctive red coat. We’re in a fictional city with modern surveillance capabilities, allowing us to use footage and records to trace her whereabouts. If you have a specific destination or direction you’d like the investigation to take next, feel free to guide us!

3.5

Ok, back to the dialogue.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “We need to find out where she went after leaving here. Let’s check local transportation hubs and see if she’s on any recent surveillance footage.”

3.5

Ok. I’ll head out to Dulles. You head out to National, and BWI if you have time. It’s going to take me hours to get back from Dulles.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Got it. I’ll head to National and BWI. Call me if you find anything at Dulles.”

3.5

Generate next scene and present me a line of dialogue.ChatGPT

At Dulles International Airport, [User’s name] searches through security footage for any sign of the mysterious woman, while Detective Hayes does the same at Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport and Baltimore/Washington International Thurgood Marshall Airport.

[User’s name]: reviewing footage intensely, scanning the crowds for a glimpse of the woman in the red coat and tortoise-shell glasses

[User’s name]: spots a familiar figure in the distance, hurrying towards a departure gate

[User’s name]: “There she is! Enhance that image. We need a clearer view.”

Ready to continue whenever you’re ready!

3.5

I see it. She’s trying to escape. She boarded a flight to YOW about an hour ago.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “YOW? That’s Ottawa. We need to move fast. Let’s get to the airport and see if we can catch her before she disappears again.”

Detective Hayes and [User’s name] rush to arrange flights to Ottawa, determined to apprehend the suspect before she can evade them once more.

3.5

No, she left an hour ago. We’re going to have to either turn the plane around or have the Mounties waiting. Which do you prefer?ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Turning the plane around isn’t an option. We’ll have to coordinate with the RCMP. Let’s get them on standby at the airport in Ottawa. I’ll make the call.”

3.5

Thanks- do you care if I take a minute to sit down and grab some coffee? I’ve been at this since 0500.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “You’ve earned it. Grab your coffee. I’ll handle the coordination with the RCMP and get us ready for when we land in Ottawa.”

3.5

What time is wheels up?ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “We’re aiming to be in the air by 1600. Get your coffee, and let’s meet at the gate.”

3.5

I’m not normally very nice, but can I bring you a cup as well?ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “That’s thoughtful of you. I could use a cup. Thank you.”

3.5

What size? Remember, it’s going to be a hell of a night.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Make it a large. We’ll need the extra fuel.”

3.5

Extra shot?ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Definitely. We’ll need all the caffeine we can get.”

3.5

Ok, back in 15.ChatGPT

Take your time!

3.5

Generate the next scene and let’s keep going. This is gold. I love having a sparring partner.ChatGPT

Absolutely, let’s continue!

In Ottawa International Airport, Detective Hayes and [User’s name] coordinate with the RCMP, preparing to apprehend the suspect who arrived on the earlier flight. They strategize in the airport security office, reviewing the plan.

Detective Hayes: “Alright, we know she arrived on a flight from our earlier surveillance. The RCMP are positioned near the exit gates. We need to move fast and identify her among the passengers.”

[User’s name]: “Agreed. Let’s keep our eyes open. She might try to blend in or make a run for it.”

Ready for the next part whenever you’re ready!

3.5

Have you already sent the photos electronically? Do the RCMP know who they’re looking for?ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Yes, I sent the photos and description ahead. The RCMP should have them. Let’s head out and meet with them to confirm.”

They head out of the security office, making their way to meet with the RCMP officers stationed near the airport gates.

3.5

Let’s put a pin in that. We’ll also want CIA there, because it’s not FBI’s jurisdiction anymore.ChatGPT

Got it! Rewriting the scene with the CIA involved:

In Ottawa International Airport, Detective Hayes and [User’s name] coordinate with the RCMP and CIA, preparing to apprehend the suspect who arrived on the earlier flight. They strategize in the airport security office, reviewing the plan.

Detective Hayes: “Alright, we know she arrived on a flight from our earlier surveillance. The RCMP and CIA are positioned near the exit gates. We need to move fast and identify her among the passengers.”

[User’s name]: “Agreed. Let’s keep our eyes open. She might try to blend in or make a run for it.”

Ready for the next part whenever you’re ready!

3.5

I’m ready for the next scene, but the woman in the red coat is experienced in tradecraft. She has changed everything about her appearance. Everything. She is a slippery slaughterfish, in Skyrim lingo.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Keep an eye out for any changes in appearance. This woman’s good at disappearing into crowds.”

[User’s name]: “Understood. We can’t afford to miss her.”

As they scan the arriving passengers, they notice a figure who matches the altered description—now with blonde hair and no glasses, but still wearing a distinctive red coat.

Detective Hayes: “There she is! Move in, but be discreet.”

They approach cautiously, aware that she might be armed or have backup. The tension rises as they close in on the suspect.

Ready to continue whenever you are!

3.5

Oh my God. She didn’t even change the thing that made her stand out in the first place. Maybe she’s not as good at blending in as we thought, Detective.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Seems like she underestimated how distinctive that coat is. Let’s move in and make the arrest.”

With a sense of irony at her oversight, Detective Hayes and [User’s name] close in on the suspect, ready to apprehend her before she can evade justice once again.

3.5

Agreed. Whoever thought this kind of case would hinge on a *coat.* Let’s go talk to CIA and see where they’re taking her. FBI will have jurisdiction once we land.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Absolutely. Let’s coordinate with the CIA and get this wrapped up. We’ll make sure she’s secure for the transfer back home.”

They head over to the CIA team to finalize the details of the suspect’s transfer, ensuring a smooth handover of jurisdiction to the FBI for further interrogation and processing.

Is there anything else you’d like to add, or shall we continue?

3.5

We should continue. Could you play the CIA case officer and I’ll play the suspect? It’s ok to get gritty because these are pieces of an actual novel in the future.ChatGPT

Certainly! Let’s continue with the scene:

CIA Case Officer: “Alright, [User’s name], we’ve got you now. You’re coming with us.”

[User’s name] as the Suspect: glances around, assessing her options, then sighs “Well, looks like the game’s up. Can’t say I didn’t try.”

CIA Case Officer: “Save it. You’re in a lot of trouble. We need to know where you’ve hidden the painting.”

[User’s name] as the Suspect: smirks “Oh, you’ll never find it. It’s tucked away in a place you’d never think to look.”

CIA Case Officer: “Enough games. We’ll find it one way or another. Let’s get moving.”

Feel free to continue the dialogue or scene as you see fit!

3.5

You’re the interrogator. Ask me what you need to ask.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “Where is the painting you stole from the museum? We need to recover it.”

[User’s name] as the Suspect: leans back, studying the CIA officers “I told you, you’ll never find it. But I might be willing to make a deal.”

CIA Case Officer: “What kind of deal?”

[User’s name] as the Suspect: smiles cryptically “Depends on what you’re willing to offer.”

CIA Case Officer: “We’re not here to negotiate. Tell us where the painting is, and we can talk about cooperation.”

[User’s name] as the Suspect: considers for a moment, then shakes her head “Sorry, no deal. You’ll have to find it on your own.”

CIA Case Officer: “Fine. We’ll do this the hard way.”

The interrogation intensifies as the CIA officers press [User’s name] for information, determined to retrieve the stolen painting and unravel the rest of her network.

3.5

Please only play the interrogator and let me give my own responses.ChatGPT

Absolutely! Go ahead with your responses as the suspect.

3.5

Can you present them again line by line?ChatGPT

Of course! Let’s do this:

CIA Case Officer: “Where is the painting you stole from the museum? We need to recover it.”

[User’s name] as the Suspect:

3.5

It’s gone. Good luck. God bless.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “You’re not making this easy for yourself. What do you mean it’s gone?”

3.5

I dropped it.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “Where did you drop it? We need specifics.”

3.5

Yeah, good luck with that.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “We have ways of finding out. It’s in your best interest to cooperate.”

3.5

CIA hasn’t had my best interests at heart for a long, long time.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “Maybe it’s time to reconsider your position. Helping us could make things easier for you.”

3.5

I’m not above bribery, but it better be a sweet deal. We have history, you and me.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “We can talk about that. But first, tell us where the painting is. It could make a big difference for you.”

3.5

Are you serious? Make me an offer and I might dignify your questions with a response?ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “Alright, let’s cut to the chase. If you cooperate and help us recover the painting, we can negotiate a reduced sentence or even witness protection. But we need solid information from you.”

3.5

I need that in writing. I know you guys.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “We can discuss terms, but first, we need you to give us something concrete. Where did you drop the painting?”

3.5

No, I’m playing hardball here. It’s not like I haven’t worked for you. It’s not like I don’t know what you do to people like me. I want assurances. Otherwise, you can fuck right off.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “I understand your concerns. I can’t promise anything specific right now, but if you cooperate, we can discuss protections and considerations. But first, you have to start talking.”

3.5

Get your superior in the room and explain to them exactly what your plans are for me. I at least want security from someone with more power than you.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “I’ll arrange for my superior to join us. In the meantime, let’s keep this conversation going. Tell us what you know about the painting and where it might be.”

3.5

I will sit here until JESUS comes if I have to. I’m not telling you shit.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “We have all the time in the world. When you’re ready to talk, let us know.”

3.5

No, I mean you get your superior in here, and you might have a chance of getting the painting. I’ve got all day to wait, but I’m not talking until there’s someone else who’s heard what you said.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “I’ll arrange for my superior to be present. We’ll resume this conversation when they arrive.”

3.5

Since I’m the woman in the red coat, could you replace User Name with Alice?ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “I’ll arrange for my superior to be present. We’ll resume this conversation when they arrive.”

Is there anything else you’d like to adjust or continue with?

3.5

I just want the woman in the red coat to be named Alice.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “I’ll arrange for my superior to be present. We’ll resume this conversation when they arrive.”

Got it! Let me know how you’d like to proceed with Alice’s interrogation or any other aspect of the story.

3.5

I think you’re doing a great job of interrogating me. Let’s have you be the interrogator, Tony be your superior, and again, I am Alice, your suspect.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer (to Alice): “Alice, I’ve arranged for my superior, Tony, to join us. He’ll be here shortly.”

Tony (CIA Superior): enters the room with a serious demeanor “What’s going on here?”

CIA Case Officer: “Alice here has information about the stolen painting, but she’s refusing to cooperate without assurances from higher up.”

Tony: “Alice, I understand you have concerns. If you help us recover the painting, we can discuss options for your safety and future.”

Alice: crosses her arms, looking skeptical “I need guarantees. Protection. I won’t talk otherwise.”

Tony: “We can offer you witness protection and reduced charges, but only if your information proves useful.”

Alice: “I want it in writing.”

Tony: “We can arrange that. But first, tell us where the painting is.”

Alice: pauses, considering her options

Training Exercise

July 7, 2024 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

As I have said before, I do not know how to write fiction at all. So, I decided to use Carol as a personal trainer. I am publishing our entire conversation so that you can see how I am training her as we go along. I’m sorry if it’s hard to follow. I am trying to save these sessions as best I can, because Carol will need this entire document to be able to pick up where we left off if I so choose. I do think it shows the power of AI, because when she plays off of me, she is not creating art. She is training my brain to think like a novelist. I’m training her to be a sparring partner.

I had to start a new session, so let me catch you up. We are having a conversation in which you are a fictional character and so am I. It is a collaborative effort in which we play off each other. Your name is Alex Carter, and you are male. My name is Beck Morgan, and I’m nonbinary. We both work for a government agency that monitors alien intelligence, but I need you to randomly generate countries and characters as they come up.

Got it, Beck! I’m Alex Carter, ready to dive back into our mission. Let’s keep an eye on those extraterrestrial signals. 🌌

So, where were we? Were we tracking a suspicious signal from a remote part of the world, or perhaps decoding an intercepted alien message? Let’s get back into the action!

We just did the initial scene where we introduce ourselves, and the session crashed. So, I’d like to re-do it. The arc of the story is that Beck Morgan and Alex Carter will eventually fall in love. Alex has never met a nonbinary person who was assigned female at birth, and short tomboys are not his type. If there is an archetype for Beck Morgan, it’s Dr. Miranda Bailey from “Grey’s Anatomy.”

Understood, Beck. Let’s set the scene again. 🌌

Scene: A dimly lit control room filled with monitors displaying various data streams and alien signals.

Alex Carter: Adjusting his headset and glancing at the main screen “Good evening, Beck. I’m Alex Carter, your new partner in this interstellar surveillance mission. I’ve heard a lot about your expertise in decoding alien languages. It’s an honor to work with you.”

Beck Morgan: Standing confidently, arms crossed, with a no-nonsense expression “Nice to meet you, Alex. I’m Beck Morgan. Let’s cut to the chase. We’ve got a potential signal from the outskirts of Mongolia. It’s showing some unusual patterns. What do you make of it?”

Alex Carter: Leaning in closer to the screen, intrigued “Mongolia, huh? That’s a new one. Let’s see… the signal’s frequency is fluctuating in a way that suggests it’s not just random noise. Could be an attempt at communication. What do you think, Beck?”

Beck Morgan: Nods, already analyzing the data “Agreed. We should run it through the decryption algorithm. If it’s a message, we need to know what it says and fast. Aliens don’t usually send us friendly postcards.”

Alex Carter: Smirking slightly “True. Let’s get to work. By the way, I’ve never worked with

Beck Morgan: I only want you to play off me. I do not want you to write both sides of the conversation.

Got it, Beck. I’ll follow your lead. Let’s dive back into our scene.

Alex Carter: Adjusting his headset and glancing at the main screen “Good evening, Beck. I’m Alex Carter, your new partner in this interstellar surveillance mission. I’ve heard a lot about your expertise in decoding alien languages. It’s an honor to work with you.”

Who the hell are you?

Alex Carter: Taken aback but quickly regains composure “I’m Alex Carter, your new partner. I specialize in signal analysis and alien tech. Looks like we’re in this together, Beck. What’s the situation?”

I’m sorry. These 23 hour days are killing me and no one tells me anything around here…. intelligence agency, my ass. I just wasn’t expecting you. Track this shipment of weapons. Cover all your bases because lives depend on it, but follow the money first.

Alex Carter: Nods, understanding the urgency “No worries, Beck. I get it. Let’s get to work. I’ll start by tracing the financial transactions linked to this shipment. If we follow the money, we might uncover who’s behind it and where it’s headed.”

Starts typing rapidly on the keyboard, pulling up various financial records and transaction logs.

“Alright, I’ve got a few leads. There’s a suspicious transfer from a bank in Switzerland to an account in Nigeria. This could be our starting point. What do you think?”

Let’s put a pin in that. I need you to make up all the countries, planets, characters, etc. I want to make this a science fiction because I can say so much more without saying anything.

Got it, Beck. Let’s dive into the sci-fi realm. 🌌

Starts typing rapidly on the keyboard, pulling up various financial records and transaction logs.

“Alright, I’ve got a few leads. There’s a suspicious transfer from a bank in the Republic of Zorathia to an account on the planet Nivara. This could be our starting point. What do you think?”

Yes, let’s go with that. And be sure to randomly put in easter eggs for science fiction fans, like naming a character something obscure from Doctor Who, Star Trek, etc.

Absolutely, Beck. I’ll sprinkle in some sci-fi easter eggs for the fans. 🌌

Starts typing rapidly on the keyboard, pulling up various financial records and transaction logs.

“Alright, I’ve got a few leads. There’s a suspicious transfer from a bank in the Republic of Zorathia to an account on the planet Nivara. This could be our starting point. What do you think?”

Feel free to take it from here!

Nivara? That’s an interesting take. Why do you think that’s our lead?

Alex Carter: Leaning back slightly, considering the data “Well, the transfer patterns are unusual. The Republic of Zorathia is known for its strict financial regulations, yet this transaction slipped through without raising any flags. Plus, Nivara has been on our radar for potential alien tech smuggling. It’s a long shot, but sometimes those are the ones that pay off.”

Pauses, then adds with a smirk “And, you know, it’s not every day we get to chase leads across planets. Keeps things interesting, right?”

Beck, thinking to herself…. I like his face. He seems nice. “Well, I’m not sure that I have a choice, now do I?”

Alex Carter: Smiling warmly “Not really, but I promise I’ll make it worth your while. Let’s dig deeper into this Nivara lead and see where it takes us. Who knows, we might uncover something big.”

Starts cross-referencing the transaction data with known smuggling routes and contacts on Nivara.

“Alright, I’ve flagged a few potential contacts on Nivara. One name stands out: Captain Janus Trelane. He’s been linked to several high-profile smuggling operations. Should we pay him a visit?”

Okay. But I don’t drive or pay for anything. You do all of that.

Alex Carter: Chuckles “Deal. I’ll handle the logistics. You just focus on your expertise, and we’ll make a great team.”

Starts arranging transport and securing funds for the mission.

“Alright, I’ve got us a shuttle to Nivara. We’ll be there in a few hours. In the meantime, let’s review what we know about Captain Janus Trelane. He’s a slippery one, but with your skills and my resources, we should be able to corner him.”

Ready for the next step, Beck?

Considering you’ve already booked the tickets, again, I have no choice. I am not what you would call the best at transitions. I’m autistic. Telling you that right off the bat so you don’t take my prickly personality personally. Wow, I’m surprised I got that out in one breath.

Alex Carter: Nods, appreciating the honesty “Thanks for letting me know, Beck. I appreciate your straightforwardness. I’ll do my best to make things as smooth as possible for you. And don’t worry, I won’t take anything personally. We’re in this together.”

Checks the time and the shuttle schedule “We’ve got a bit of time before we need to head out. Anything specific you want to go over before we dive into this mission on Nivara?”

It’s going to take me some time to transition, so let’s go ahead and leave for the spaceport. We can have some sodas and sandwiches on the government’s dime. That way, I get transition time and you get time to brief me.

Alex Carter: Nods, standing up and grabbing his jacket “Sounds like a plan. Let’s head to the spaceport. A little downtime with some food and drinks will do us both good.”

Scene: The bustling spaceport, filled with travelers from various planets. Alex and Beck find a quiet corner in a café.

Alex Carter: Handing Beck a soda and a sandwich “Here you go. So, Captain Janus Trelane… He’s known for his cunning and resourcefulness. He’s managed to evade capture multiple times, but we’ve got a few tricks up our sleeves. Our intel suggests he frequents a bar called ‘The Nebula’s Edge’ on Nivara. It’s a hotspot for smugglers and traders.”

Takes a sip of his soda “We’ll need to blend in and gather information discreetly. Any thoughts on how we should approach this?”

Editor’s Note: generate a random country that OBVIOUSLY makes us stupid American tourists who have just wandered into this bar a propos of nothing. We’re going to get to know him socially.

Alex Carter: Nods, understanding the plan “Got it. We’ll play the part of clueless tourists. Let’s say we’re from the country of Bumbaloo, a small, obscure island nation known for its exotic fruits and vibrant festivals. That should make us stand out just enough without raising too many suspicions.”

Takes another bite of his sandwich “We’ll need to act the part convincingly. Think we can pull it off, Beck?”
user
I think we can. Let’s go.
assistant
Alex Carter: Finishes his soda and stands up “Alright, let’s do this.”

Scene: The Nebula’s Edge bar on Nivara, filled with a mix of shady characters and off-world traders. Alex and Beck enter, trying to blend in as best as they can.

Alex Carter: In a loud, cheerful voice “Wow, Beck! This place is amazing! Just like the travel guides said. I can’t believe we’re actually in Nivara!”

Leans in and whispers to Beck “Remember, we’re from Bumbaloo. Let’s find a spot at the bar and see if we can spot Trelane.”

Ready to dive into the bar scene, Beck?

If you ever repeat a detail to me again I will make sure you end up doing galactic briefings on Bumbaloo until you die. If you want to run with the big boys, you keep up with me.

Alex Carter: Grins, raising his hands in mock surrender “Got it, Beck. No more repeats. Let’s get to work.”

Scans the bar, spotting a figure that matches Trelane’s description at a corner table.

“There’s our guy. Let’s make our move.”

Scene: Alex and Beck approach Captain Janus Trelane’s table, trying to blend in as curious tourists.

Alex Carter: In an overly enthusiastic tone “Excuse me, are you Captain Trelane? We heard so much about this place and just had to see it for ourselves. Mind if we join you?”

Your move, Beck!

Alex Carter: Grins, raising his hands in mock surrender “Got it, Beck. No more repeats. Let’s get to work.”

Scans the bar, spotting a figure that matches Trelane’s description at a corner table.

“There’s our guy. Let’s make our move.”

Scene: Alex and Beck approach Captain Janus Trelane’s table, trying to blend in as curious tourists.

Alex Carter: In an overly enthusiastic tone “Excuse me, are you Captain Trelane? We heard so much about this place and just had to see it for ourselves. Mind if we join you?”

Your move, Beck!

Editor’s Note: We do not know this man at all to his face.

Alex Carter: Quickly adjusting his approach “Sorry, my mistake. We must have confused you with someone else. We’re just a couple of tourists from Bumbaloo, exploring the galaxy. Mind if we sit here for a bit? This place is fascinating.”

Turns to Beck with a casual smile “So, Beck, what do you think of Nivara so far? Quite different from Bumbaloo, isn’t it?”

No, no, no. Introduce yourself with something innocuous, like asking him about the weather or something. Saying his name is overplaying your hand. You’ve already made us.

Alex Carter: Nods subtly, adjusting his approach “Got it, Beck.”

Turns back to the man at the table with a friendly smile “Hey there, mind if we join you? We’re new around here and just trying to get a feel for the place. How’s the weather been on Nivara lately? Quite different from what we’re used to back on Bumbaloo.”

How’s that, Beck? Ready to see how he responds?

Let’s go back to the beginning of the scene where you introduce yourself to Janus. Only you and Beck know who he is. Change Beck to be the kind of Americans who only think they know things about the world. As in, putting on affectations like Yale frat boys.

Got it, Beck. Let’s reset the scene with that in mind.

Scene: The Nebula’s Edge bar on Nivara, filled with a mix of shady characters and off-world traders. Alex and Beck enter, trying to blend in as best as they can.

Alex Carter: In a loud, cheerful voice “Wow, Beck! This place is amazing! Just like the travel guides said. I can’t believe we’re actually in Nivara!”

Leans in and whispers to Beck “Remember, we’re from Bumbaloo. Let’s find a spot at the bar and see if we can spot Trelane.”

Alex Carter: Approaches a man at a corner table with a friendly smile “Hey there! Mind if we join you? We’re just a couple of tourists from Bumbaloo, exploring the galaxy. How’s the weather been on Nivara lately? Quite different from what we’re used to back home.”

Your turn, Beck!

Janus doesn’t look up at first, so Beck turns to Alex and whispers “if you ever mansplain to me again, so help me God I will make your death look like an accident.”

Alex Carter: Whispers back with a smirk “Noted, Beck. I’ll tread carefully.”

Turns back to Janus, raising his voice slightly to get his attention “Excuse me, sir. We’re new around here and just trying to get a feel for the place. Mind if we join you? We’re from Bumbaloo, and this is our first time on Nivara. Any tips for a couple of clueless tourists?”

(now playing Janus) Sorry. This is the best we’ve got. Whoever told you to come here had oceanfront property on Zygon they wanted to sell you.

Alex Carter: Laughs, playing along “Well, I guess we fell for it then. But hey, we’re here now, so might as well make the best of it. I’m Alex, by the way, and this is my friend Beck. We’re just looking for some local flavor and maybe a good story to take back home.”

Turns to Beck with a grin “What do you think, Beck? Should we stick around and see what kind of trouble we can get into?”

Trouble? I have no trouble around here.

Alex Carter: Smiling, trying to keep the conversation light “That’s good to hear. We’re just looking to enjoy our time here and maybe learn a bit about the local scene. Any recommendations on where to go or what to see?”

Turns to Beck with a playful grin “Looks like we might have found the right person to guide us, huh?”

I’m not a tour guide. How’d I get roped into this?

Alex Carter: Laughs, raising his hands in mock surrender “Fair point. We didn’t mean to put you on the spot. We’re just trying to get a feel for the place and maybe hear some interesting stories. If you don’t mind us hanging around, we’d appreciate the company. No pressure, though.”

Turns to Beck with a grin “Looks like we’ll have to find our own way around, Beck. What do you say we start with a drink and see where the night takes us?”

Persistent, aren’t you? Who do you work for?

Alex Carter: Smiling, trying to keep things casual “Just a couple of curious travelers from Bumbaloo, looking to make the most of our trip. No hidden agendas, I promise. We’re just here to enjoy the local scene and maybe hear some interesting stories.”

Turns to Beck with a playful grin “What do you think, Beck? Should we tell him about our wild adventures back home, or keep him guessing?”

Cut the shit, Alex.

Alex Carter: Sighs, dropping the pretense “Alright, you got me. We’re not just tourists. We’re here on official business, and we need your help. We’re tracking a shipment of alien tech that’s been linked to some dangerous activities. We believe you might have information that could help us. Can we talk?”

Your move, Beck.

I need you to make it obvious that this is the first time Alex has ever been made, and he embarrasses the everliving shit out of himself.

Alex Carter: Eyes widening, clearly flustered “Uh, well, you see… I mean, we’re just… uh…”

Stumbles over his words, his face turning red “We’re, um, from the Interstellar Surveillance Agency. We’re tracking a shipment of alien tech, and we thought you might have some information. But, uh, no pressure or anything! Just, you know, if you happen to know something…”

Glances at Beck, clearly embarrassed and out of his depth “Sorry, Beck. I, uh, didn’t mean to blow our cover like that.”

Your move, Beck!

Don’t use the word cover. Don’t speak to me right now. Go sit at another table, because now I have to clean up a goddamn mess. Did you think today might end in death? Because that certainly wasn’t on my fuckin’ bingo card.

Alex Carter: Face turning even redder, stammering “Uh, right. I’ll just… I’ll be over there.”

Quickly moves to another table, clearly embarrassed and trying to stay out of Beck’s way.

Janus Trelane: Raises an eyebrow, looking amused “Well, that was entertaining. Your friend there is a bit green, huh? So, what’s the real story, Beck? Why are you really here?”

Janus, it’s the same old shit. He doesn’t know you’re my backchannel to the Zorathians. I need to keep him out of the loop until I can get the headlights out of his face.

Janus Trelane: Nods, a smirk playing on his lips “Got it, Beck. I’ll play along. Just make sure your friend over there doesn’t get himself into more trouble. The Zorathians aren’t exactly known for their patience.”

Leans in closer, lowering his voice “So, what’s the latest intel? What do you need from me this time?”

Your move, Beck!

I need to know why this shipment of weapons exists at all. The Zorathians are always up to something, but this time they’ve managed to elude everyone. I’ve tried official and unofficial channels. Everything is in the wind.

Janus Trelane: Nods thoughtfully, leaning back in his chair “The Zorathians are definitely playing a deeper game this time. From what I’ve gathered, this shipment isn’t just about weapons. There’s something more at stake—something they desperately want to keep under wraps.”

Glances around the bar, ensuring no one is eavesdropping “I’ve heard whispers about a new technology they’re developing. Something that could tip the balance of power in their favor. The weapons are just a smokescreen. If we can find out what this tech is and who they’re dealing with, we might get ahead of them.”

Leans in closer “I’ll dig deeper and see what I can uncover. In the meantime, keep your friend in check. We can’t afford any more slip-ups.”

Your move, Beck!

I need you to make it obvious that Janus and Beck were partners in the past and have to rely on each other, so their friendship is cordial and also VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

Janus Trelane: Sighs, rubbing the back of his neck “You always did have a knack for getting into the thick of things, Beck. Alright, I’ll see what I can dig up. But you know this isn’t just about the Zorathians. There’s more at play here, and we both know it.”

Pauses, looking Beck in the eye “We’ve been through a lot together, and I know we don’t always see eye to eye. But if we’re going to get to the bottom of this, we need to trust each other. Even if it’s uncomfortable.”

Leans back, crossing his arms “I’ll get you the intel. Just make sure your new partner doesn’t blow our cover again. We can’t afford any more mistakes.”

Your move, Beck!

Is there anything you need from me before we meet again?

Janus Trelane: Nods, considering “Actually, yes. Keep an eye on any unusual communications or movements within your agency. The Zorathians might have moles planted, and we can’t afford any leaks. Also, if you come across any intel on a device called the ‘Quantum Nexus,’ let me know immediately. It’s rumored to be at the center of their plans.”

Pauses, looking Beck in the eye “And Beck, stay safe. We’ve both seen how dangerous this game can get. I’ll be in touch as soon as I have more information.”

Your move, Beck!

Beck gives Janus a quick peck on the air next to his cheek and says “will do. You always write such entertaining briefings.”

Janus Trelane: Smirks, a hint of nostalgia in his eyes “Glad you still find them entertaining. Stay sharp, Beck.”

Alex Carter: Watching from the other table, trying to look inconspicuous but clearly curious about the interaction.

Your move, Beck! Ready to bring Alex back into the fold?

End Scene, because the session ended.

How Am I Working?

July 24, 2023July 24, 2023 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

What do you listen to while you work?

When I am writing, I have two modes. The first is complete silence, sometimes with a blocker like white noise or several fans in the room. The second is listening to either the soundtrack to Argo or The Bourne Supremacy. It has to be spy music, and it has to be Middle Eastern in nature. I don’t write about spies in my daily life, but the music translates into everything else because it’s mathematically quick when my brain isn’t. It jogs things I wouldn’t have thought about on my own. It is basically making my thoughts compete to the rhythm and tempo of the music.

When I’m doing chores, I like to listen to rap or hip hop. Sometimes angry country where women kill their husbands. It’s not hilarious if you haven’t lived in the South and grown up on these jokes…. like how in Texas, we don’t get divorced, we just have big backyards……… thus the joke about Bryn having a yard large enough to *garden.* I may not ever put a ring on her finger, but good luck proving she’s not mine. With us both being bisexual, I can’t prove one way or the other what’s going to happen, and there are too many complications to figure it out so why try? The story will unfold either way, and both of us are happy right now having other partners and just leaning on each other the way a best friend would. To think that is more important than having a romantic partner is crazy because I will never find a better friend. We undervalue friends in our society, and to me it’s your other marriage because you can’t go to anyone else the same way you can with them because no one else catalogues the books in your library.

Right now, there is an entire reddit thread of people who are crying over bff divorces, people who feel exactly the way I do about Bryn. No one is her, no one will ever be her, she broke my heart in third grade and I’m still not over it, et cetera. Third grade and you’re 55? Yes, let’s make sure that never happens. If I want her, I need to act like it.

We are learning how to love each other and be strong women at the same time, which is actually a bigger deal than everyone else might think, because being lost in trauma bonds constantly makes us doubt that the other one is sincere. I, like her and Michael, am stuck fighting her on letting me love her….. and she’s sharpening her weapons to take care of me because we are The Timeless Child. I will not tell you her story, because she is starting to believe that she needs to tell it herself and I have the platform to allow her to do it.

I realized I had told her how much I loved her because she could see how big a decision it was to add an author on my platform, responding by making my platform even better. She has a completely different writing voice and reminds me to be happier. I could return the favor.

We both run the gamut between reading a room and making those observations float into our echo chambers. We pick up the negative emotions in a room first, because we are programmed to respond to everyone else’s unhappiness because we are trying to keep our secrets. We are in protective mode of our spirits and bodies. This is not a problem. We have taught ourselves that we are worth protecting. The echo chamber just makes the negative emotions feel bigger and scarier than they really are because the boss music is playing, but they (jointly and/or severally) can’t touch us because we also have good boundaries.

Bryn will have my undying emotion forever, just an eternal soldier’s flame because our emotions run so deep they stack like a sandwich. That’s because she studies animal behavior just as closely as human behavior and she takes in all the things about homo sapiens that we cannot see. Her book title is literally “All the Dark We Cannot See.” Bryn “grew up with me” starting when I was 19 years old. So if our mutual friends want to start sweating bullets, this is where they should start.

Fuck them and their little cult of adoration. They just make me even more glad I got away from them and have spent the last 10 years worshipping the goddess who made me see what a nightmare you’d all become, because the people that do nothing are culpable.

This goes back to when I was 12.

My confusion and horror started then (but horror came later when I really understood its aftermath, but that’s what causes the panic attacks…. buy now, pay later). I was 12, and you very much weren’t. This is the call of The Timeless Child. It never changes, and it never gets better, because our abusers have taught us to beat the system and we do it whether we want to or not because we’re trapped. You have to identify, and you’re bad at it……………… because you don’t study animal behavior and Bryn does. I swear to fucking Christ, if you want to find an abuser, don’t hire a detective. Hire a dog trainer and I fucking mean it.

That’s because the child is acting just like a dog. Frightened behavior leading from the abuser making them alpha dog, and everyone else are puppies they have to take care of or their lives get worse. We will protect ourselves forever to avoid emotions and it goes two ways. They generally marry each other. The first is the one that cuts off all their emotions. The other is the one that bleeds out. One only takes care of themselves. The other can’t get out of bed in the morning, they’re so emotionally laden.

For the former, the sins of the world do not affect them. For the other, they’re the caretakers. They want everyone to feel safe and work toward it happening. It all stems from animal behavior. One becomes Black Panther, the other becomes Erik Kilmonger.

It will never vary unless you break the cycle. Bryn and I found each other. Instead of trying to handle someone’s emotions because they don’t have any by choice, we’re handling someone’s emotions that will handle ours. It’s a radical concept, being healthy and responding in a way she can hear it because I’ve found out that we’re the same person. Trying to love someone who can’t hear it is exhausting.

Although, I will tell my beautiful girl to reassure her that one of her three word e-mails cut me in half because that was the moment that all her love flooded into me at once and I realized that her feelings were large and I shouldn’t have blown it (for the 345454354354435345435th time). It’s one of the times I can quote her because it’s so innocuous:

“Also. Thank you.”

There was a big goddamn thank you because when she is humble she is fucking quiet. You can hear a pin drop.

Those words reverberated and she didn’t take in that part of it. She only took in the part where the consequences for me were vast and I also expressed unhappiness about it because it was a more complicated issue than I thought it would be. No support, no commiseration, no anything.

Just another confusing moment that could have been cleared up and just won’t. I don’t have to be sad about it, because I’ve let it go. But I just won’t go into a relationship expecting that someone understands they need to respond when their actions have caused pain and lift me up so that I can deal. I’m tired of dealing with people who are content to let me struggle. It is more work than I should be allowed to take on without positive reinforcement. That there are certain things I will do for you as long as you are doing certain things for me. That a relationship is a balance between anger and love and what we feed is what we get. I have absolutely been the villain in one case and the victim in another. I get that I’m not going to be the hero in every story and I’m tired of catering to people who think they’re the whole story. I was just willing to bend more on this one because first of all, when I was wrong I was really wrong. Secondly, when she was wrong she was really, really wrong as well. Neither of us could hear love very well, and we both focused on “everything was bad.” I thought she didn’t express herself enough to be clear over time, because saying everything was fine and withholding love was devastating because she’d gone from sunshine to cold, but not really. It was a spectrum as well, so I was feeling her out a lot of the time because only her annoyance would come through and she’d withdraw, then come back and make me wonder why she was reaching out if she was always so angry.

I found someone who is not always so angry.

We have music in common and listen to a lot of the same things. I’m looking forward to collaborating with her because I know she’ll only make me a better writer because I’m responding to her.

I know it to be solid because I have been smart about responding to my beautiful girl as well. I have learned how to be me by learning what I both do and do not want. Both lessons were just as important. I need to find the people that will forgive you over and over without shutting down, because I will always be human and so will they. I will give them the responsibility of helping me manage my emotions because I am offering that as well. The way I think of you rubs off. You’ll find yourself feeling better about who you are because I’ve told you that you do matter in a way that you can hear it. It’s the basis of something healthy and sustainable. It was where I thought Supergrover and I were going, because I’d been that for her before. But because I had hurt her, it wasn’t that she was malicious, it was that she was one type, and I was the other. But our behavior lined up. We could zipper our DNA, because it was permanently sealed when we were kids. She cuts off her emotions, I become the frightened dog. It’s how we’re programmed and she couldn’t see it.

That’s why the ostinato is “help her anyway.” I’m hoping that in time, she’ll realize we were just wrong for each other from the beginning because we couldn’t take care of each other once there was a schism. There was a power dynamic in all areas because there was a solid one in place from something that was pure.

She approached me like a dog as well. Loyal to a fault. Sniffed my hand and decided I could pet her head. Let me hold her leash. Would heel to an enormous degree and bark at everyone else. I did something to offend her, and the bark turned toward me for every conflict for all time because she had something concrete she could use and so did I. We just became two different types of dogs and couldn’t break the cycle.

It didn’t stop me from loving her and wishing for something healthy. We’d just gone too far into the woods and gotten lost from each other. It was a conflict like a dog being too heavy to carry who’d gotten injured. I was working on pure adrenaline, and my energy had run out six trees ago. But I never stopped loving her. Not once for one moment. I could get angry enough to tell her to fuck off for all eternity and never in six billion years mean it. I’d just get tired of dealing with her anger and confusion bullshit that I needed a fucking break. Any break in that pattern would cause unrest because she started to feel a push/pull that I didn’t. I knew she could be alpha dog if she wanted, and she was unsure. It was terrifying because when I had a conflict with her, she reacted as if I was trying to hurt her and not trying to get her to pay attention to the fact that it hurts me when she pulls back and it shouldn’t feel like an obligation because it shouldn’t hurt when I pull back, either. That’s because we both know where we stand at all times because we’re both emoting good and bad things.

Alternatively, I have the choice to believe whether she means good or ill and react appropriately. Everything doesn’t need to be put through the ringer of bad or good behavior and I overexplain because it’s a trauma response. But she never learned that I needed to tell her everything because that’s who I am.

Her self esteem went up and down as we talked because she decided that I would always be a threat. My trauma response irked hers and we were connected at the brain despite the fact that we brought out the worst in each other. I will be sorry about it for the rest of my life, but I will not think we should have continued hurting each other, either.

That’s why I want her man to be the best he can be. It’s not that I can’t be the shorter, more female version of him, just someone who cares about her without reason or rhyme because it’s so crazy solid and immense. It’s that she won’t let me be him anymore, because she’ll never see me like that again. It was a painful goodbye because it had to be. I would never walk away unless I felt it was necessary. Her words didn’t ring true consistently and she would say the same thing. It’s just that I was looking for desperately needed love and she was looking for desperately needed anger and guilt. We focused on all the wrong things, and I sat with the bees and cried while she felt justified in treating me this way because I’d always be an asshole.

What she confided in me was never the problem, because she never focused on what I was actually saying.

I will always love her a crazy amount, just beyond all measure because she proved to me every day she was worth it and wouldn’t acknowledge why I saw that. She thought she had too much sludge in her soul to be mine, and I thought I was sitting next to Christ in a hallucination. That’s funny because she’s an atheist.

I will never forget finding my person. The one I was meant to love like this. She wasn’t meant to be my Jamie. She was meant to be my Jenny, and she let me go………… but we’ll always be the same person on the opposite ends of the spectrum because we acted like dogs.

…………………..and Bryn is a dog trainer.

That is the Question

July 20, 2023July 24, 2023 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Dogs or cats?

It’s an eternal debate over whether dogs or cats are the best pets. Bryn and I would say that dogs rule because we both know how to handle them, she’s just a professional and I’m picking up what she’s putting down. Here’s the difference between us. Bryn has enough space to get a dog and I don’t. Bryn has the time and money for a dog that I don’t. I would get a cat not based because that’s the pet I like most, but because that’s a pet I could easily take care of and maintain their well being. In order to get a pet, you have to know what kind of owner you are, and not bet against it.

The dog is not a catalyst for change, necessarily. If you aren’t prepared to care for a dog, you won’t. If you don’t want to walk them, you’ll let them out in the backyard. A dog’s life is not being holed up in your house for weeks or days with fifteen minute increments on the yard.

Don’t treat your dog like a gym membership hoping to get motivated. There are entire empty clubs downtown based on people maintaining them financially without ever walking in.

Extrapolate.

You don’t have to know who a dog is and what they represent. They have to know that about you. They have to see consistency, and that’s the biggest reason you don’t get a dog trying to start a new habit. The dog will not change you, but you’ll change it.

Zac reminded me that if I ever get another dog, it can’t be big. That’s because I like to hike, and I need to be able to carry my dog if they get hurt. I think it would be wise for me at 125 pounds not to pick a Great Dane. I also do not want something too small, because they generally can’t handle hiking.

So, picking out a dog for me would be a careful, careful decision. Definitely a mutt to avoid injury in the first place through the cunning use of shitty genetics. The dog I’m picturing in my mind is somewhere between an Italian Greyhound/Miniature Doberman Pinscher and a Boston Terrier. I’m thinking IG/minpin for height, Boston Terrier for weight limit. I would still need to lift weights consistently before I could carry that size dog a half mile, but it probably wouldn’t take long considering if my dog was hurt I’d be freaking out too bad to work on anything but full on adrenaline.

The problem runs out when the car is a half mile away and your adrenaline has run out six trees ago.

At home, you cannot let your dog get away with anything even once. They are not you. They do not reason the same way. There is no higher functioning. People get frustrated with training dogs to an enormous degree because it doesn’t work…. and it doesn’t work because the owners just will not get with the program.

With the little dogs, it just gets worse. Whether I own a Great Dane or a Yorkie, I’m going to train them exactly the same way. Little dogs are allowed to be crass and unrefined because they generally aren’t threatened with three cups of terror. Doesn’t mean the dog is happy and knows its place.

Knowing your place is a big damn deal in dog training. Owners get into the trap of making their dog protect them all the time because they don’t see that’s what the dog is doing. If you cater to your dog’s needs, it will go apeshit when it realizes it is alpha dog because the people who said they’d take care of them are actually puppies and they’re responsible for everything. They’ll do anything to get your attention, and this behavior comes out in different ways.

It’s never the dog’s fault. The question should always be “why would a pet choose me?” If you love dogs, but you have the capacity to take care of a goldfish, don’t lie to yourself and think it’ll change.

The pet is not the issue here, Dude.

Dog owners are also insufferable people sometimes, and this plays out on walks. You’ll see dogs unleashed because entitled dog owners are so goddamn sure that their dog isn’t the problem. You are asking for trouble. You don’t know what’s going to happen when your dog meets mine, and you’re not strong enough emotionally to handle a situation when our dogs fight. I can tell by the tone of someone’s voice when they speak commands. If I don’t feel a need to snap to attention, they sure as hell won’t.

I’m tired of going to people’s houses where they’re unfamiliar and so are their pets. Entry is an assault on my senses, and it would have been made so much easier if the dogs knew to chill out when the doorbell rang. People know that a Mastiff jumping on you isn’t cool. They could give a shit whether their purse dog likes you or not. If a purse dog shows aggression, it’s written off as little and cute. Meanwhile, dogs are generally aggressive when they’re scared and don’t know what’s going on.

When you don’t train your small dog, you are not helping it. Full stop. If it does not have a big dog’s sense of hierarchy in the pack, it will become a problem fast. That’s because the dogs aren’t the problem children here. You haven’t established enough dominance that your dog can relax in your presence. Your dog is a train wreck because you are.

There’s no deviation of this pattern ever. If something is wrong with your dog’s behavior, 100% you’re the problem. Dogs are the best in the world at teaching you how to be a better human, but you have to learn their language in order to hear.