An Open Letter to Straight Women

Dear Straight Women,

I love you so much. You’re the ones that are the most fun to gaze upon because we both know it’s not going anywhere and you’re just eye candy. Dana appreciates this, too, as you can imagine. To have a little bit of flirty fun is just confidence-building, and you, ladies, are REALLY GOOD AT IT. When you turn on the same charms for me that you do for the men you’re trying to impress, you make me blush from my hair to my toenails, but that doesn’t mean it’s not fun. Plus, you get the added comedic bonus of me standing there like a jackass, mouth open because I can’t believe what you just said. Some of you are relentless, because you know it’s not going anywhere, either.

In short, straight women, I love you because if I didn’t have you, my self-esteem would be so much lower.

There are a few things, though, that you need to know about lesbians.

Do not go to Phase II.

Don’t lie to me. You do it. You want to see if you can get a “rise” out of me, and you can. Tread carefully. You wouldn’t throw yourself at a man, so don’t throw yourself at me, even if it’s a “joke.” As you can see from my blog, I have no qualms about disguising your name and calling you out on the carpet about it. There are too many women who have had their hearts broken over “jokes” and experimentation that for you, wasn’t really real. For us, it most certainly is.

When I was in college, I fell hard for someone that took me on a roller coaster. Straight, but wanted to date me anyway just for the experience of having dated a woman. The problem was that she left out that part of it when she was coming on strong.

So we dated for a while, until this happened. We’d been together long enough that we both wanted to have sex. So we did.

And the next day, she dumped me and said that what WE did wasn’t real sex.

Do you hear me, straight women? Don’t fuck with lesbians. Our emotions run deep and you can fracture us easily.

Now do you know what I mean by Phase II? Tell me that I’m hot, but don’t take it so far that my body responds whether you’re straight or not. BECAUSE IT WILL. I am only human, and you are gorgeous. Not that I would even entertain the idea of an affair, mind you, because Dana is so much woman that I can’t handle any more.

But the point has been made. Lesbians are weird creatures in that (from what I’ve noticed) they walk around with their hearts on their sleeves, or worse, are just one big walking nerve, especially when they’ve just broken up with someone.

And that’s the whole point. When you laugh and joke with us, we love it. But if your flirting becomes serious, emotions will start to get involved, and I don’t know about you, but when emotions get involved, I am no longer Leslie, confident woman. I am Leslie, a big puddle of goo on the floor.

In short, don’t take it too far. Let me revel in the splendor of eye candy, and then let me let you walk away slowly.

Because I love you.

Sincerely, Leslie

7 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Straight Women

  1. Okay, here is a tip from a straight woman. Women who proceed to phase II with a Lesbian will also proceed to phase II with a fellow. The same thing will happen, you both get dumped, stomped on and hurt. These straight women assume the person the flirt is intended for has no emotion. just sexual feelings. Please proceed with caution. If they are not pretty on the inside too, then pain will be 10 times worse.

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      1. Plus, you’re from Edmonton, and I’m from Houston. I’d bet we’d have a lot to talk about… we should move this conversation to the Facebook page, because I’d really like to know what’s going on up there. Is Stephen Harper running again? Does Justin Trudeau have any promise? etc etc etc And please let me know if you hate politics.

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  2. I’m sorry that you were hurt but you seem so much stronger because of it. Irrespective of anyone’s gender or sexuality playing with another person’s feelings just isn’t right – you write about that wonderfully in this post.

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