Calling My Angels (Dec 2004)

“…and with a still small voice the other will tell you his/her name.
listen carefully. i watched it happen and it was good. clean, pure,
gentle, healing energy. you are more than you were 4 days ago and i am proud of you.”

– Dana Bamberger


I just wanted her to look at my heart.

She’d done it to a friend of mine… looked at her heart and took away all the chords of energy that didn’t sustain her, that were just draining into a vacuum. I knew the same thing was happening to me, and in some cases, I thought I knew their names.

She came over around ten and had me lie face up on my bed. I got very nervous because in a lot of ways, it was starting to remind me of a medical procedure. She placed her hands over my abdomen, or root chakra.

I just wanted her to look at my heart, and now I knew that what she said might fundamentally change me.

She saw a memory. I was being reprimanded by a nursery school teacher. I was three. The teacher told me that I was too little, too small, too weak. I took it in, made it fit, and I have carried the belief that I was too small to handle or understand what was happening to me until that night.

That night when she reached inside me and ripped my old tapes to shreds… the old tapes that carried the message of my insignificance.

By the time she got to my heart, I knew what had been the undoing of every relationship I’d ever been in. I’d thought of myself as someone who needed protection, putting my partner in the role of parent/mentor and allowing them to occupy a position that they’d never asked for or wanted.

It was liberating to learn that I’m actually quite strong- perhaps I’d started to learn it long ago, but this energy work truly helped me to tap into the wealth of emotional resources I have at my disposal, the ones that I have generally spent on other people until now, because it was easier to give them away than to lift myself up.

I learned that I also have two angels that protect me, that sit at my shoulders. It is fitting that one is loud and obnoxious, and one is so shy that I haven’t even learned its name. It made me feel wonderful to know that I have two angels of my own, whereas before I’d called on Rafael, the angel of a friend of mine.

I am really not this woo-woo, this New Age. It’s actually a simple story. When Kathleen and I were divorcing and I was truly in the thick of it, my oldest friend called me and said, “I have a friend who has an angel named Rafael, and when she gets in big trouble, she pictures Rafael wrapping his arms around her and protecting her from all that’s hurting her. If there’s anything I want to give you during this time, it’s the image of angels wrapping their wings around you and letting you know how much you are loved.” During that time in my life, I called on Rafael quite a bit, and I knew for a fact that he did not mind.

But now that I have my own twin angels, Rafael can go back to his rightful owner. (Is that what you call someone who has a guardian angel? I’m really new at this.)

She erased my old tapes, she gave me my angels, and as a lovely parting gift, took a look at the names written on my heart. And while I am not sure how much of all this to believe, I woke up the next morning lighter than I had been in months. I felt ready to take on the world, rather than sitting there and waiting for it to come to me.

2 thoughts on “Calling My Angels (Dec 2004)

  1. When you wander through life with your heart wide open, it is sometimes important to have the filter of angel wings wrapped gently around you.

    Raphael will never be far from you, if needed. Anytime you see a flicker of a yellow butterfly or a dandelion glowing proudly in a lawn, regardless of the welcome it will find there, know that it is Raphael.

    And you are not strong because of Raphael or your two little guides. You are strong because you are Leslie.


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