I have a youth pastor friend who asked me for something I’d written about baby lesbians who hit on straight girls, and invariably get their hearts broken. He had a baby lesbian in his youth group flirt with one of the straight girls, and the straight girl says something to the effect of, “maybe we could date on a trial basis.” I do not think that the straight girl was actually interested. I think that she wanted to put off that inevitable moment of rejection when the person who loves you doesn’t love you back. I told my youth pastor friend that I would write a personal response back to her, and post it here.
Ohhhh, honey. Let me tell you the sad truth about straight women. They can’t change their wiring any more than you can. It does happen that love can transcend gender, but it doesn’t happen very often… especially not in middle school. In middle school, you’re still trying to figure yourself out. Telling people that you’re gay or bisexual is scary, even if everybody is really cool with it. You’ll breathe a sigh of relief when it’s finished, but nothing tops the butterflies before you have to say those words now. I still get them, and I’m 35.
I was like you when I was your age. I had crushes on all kinds of women, both gay and straight. Here’s what I have the benefit of knowing now that I didn’t know then: it hurts to be rejected no matter which gender you love.
Either way, you’re going to have to nurse your pride, eat a lot of ice cream, and throw yourself into your homework and activities. Staying busy will help keep your mind off things.
I know that 13-year-old love is so tender and real. I’m sorry that it’s not likely your friend wants to date you. I’m sorry that she wasn’t brave in the moment and said so, because you got your hopes up, and that hurts worse than anything else.
You will feel like complete and total crap for a few days, so treat yourself well. Get plenty of sleep, treat yourself to soda and junk food, take lots of bubble baths, and read good books.
If you have to run into your crush at school, you might want to tell her that she hurt your feelings, but that you know she was embarrassed and you forgive her. It isn’t right to be mad at someone just because you can’t be their girlfriend. If she is as good a friend to you after you tell her this as she was before, then you should know that she is a friend worth keeping. You’ll listen to sad music on this very topic (see every song ever written). Eventually, the crush will go away, and you’ll be back to playing XBOX in no time (or whatever it is that your people do).
Eventually, you will realize that a relationship finds you, instead of the other way around.
Chin up, Amy. It gets better.