There are so many areas of my life that should come with a warning, or at the very least, #dumbassattack. For instance, today I was trying to run some tests on a computer and I decided that it was all kinds of fucked up until I realized I was logged into the wrong one. Dana chuckled to herself when she saw me getting ready to process into the church for Lessons and Carols and I noticed that my choir folder was upside down, so therefore, my hymnal was, too. When I was in band, I was famous for forgetting, of all things, my trumpet. When I worked at ExxonMobil in Fairfax, I used to forget my badge and have to be walked up like a visitor.
Alert Logic is the only company that has ever had my back on this. All the doors are biometric. However, there have been two days since I’ve started that I’ve almost forgotten my computer, and once, I forgot my charger. Luckily, someone was absent that day so I didn’t have to go home and get it.
I am excellent at laughing about it, because that’s just who I am. I’m forgetful, clumsy, and I will forget your name within about fifteen seconds… the flip side being that I will remember your face, your hair, and what you were wearing the first time I met you until I die. I will also probably remember what we talked about if it was interesting.
For instance, the first time I met Dana, she was wearing a sweatshirt from George Mason University, which I remembered because in Virginia, my office was right down the street from one of the campuses. I also remember that she and her then-girlfriend chased me down the street and pulled up next to me just so Dana could say, “I like your Saturn.”
Not only do I remember what people say, I remember the way they say it if I think it’s cute. If something you say has a musical lilt to it, I’ll remember it by the melody it renders.
It’s just true. 🙂
Because I can laugh at myself so easily, I also know that remembering people and conversations is something I think I do well. One of my friends actually told me, “why do you think I don’t tell you anything? You remember it.” Ahhh, the blessing and the curse.
Because I can tell you both good and bad things about me, I know that I am startlingly self-aware, and I don’t need anyone else to tell me that. I am most often “lost in my own little world” as people constantly comment, because honestly, talking to myself is more interesting than talking to you. I have a longer relationship with me. We have history. We know each other, and there’s not much I can say to scare me.
Talking to other people is a different story.
When I talk to me, I don’t have to worry that I’m going to get offended. I have a tendency to be a little anxious in social situations for a number of reasons. It was drilled into me years ago that there’s a possibility people won’t like me because I’m gay, so I have that old tape running… even though that is changing so much, so quickly. However, I still live in Texas. That’s enough said right there.
I also have a lot of mind worms that continually run in my head, because I’m just not done thinking about them yet. To me, it’s like a computer that does encryption. They work on the same problem for years at a time until they get it right. I can’t do that with math and numbers, but I would like to think that I can with human relations. I think all the time about how to make my relationship with Dana even better than it already is. I think all the time about my role within my family and how it affects all of us, especially since I’ve been away for so long. I think about the grief that I’m going through, and how I know that one day, it will taper off into nothing. But until then, I have to have time to examine the role I played in all of this… what I can do to take back my power… what I can do to be a better person than i was the day before.
I am not a one-trick pony, even though this blog has felt like it. Whether you like it or not, this blog is not entertainment. It is for me, and you are invited. I have said many times that this blog is a community, and I mean it. However, communities share frustrations and ask for help. I am not here to be the punching bag when you’d rather be entertained.
Honestly, I play the clown all day, every day in my personal life. If you meet me in person, you’ll think that I am funny, engaging, and you’ll want to see me again. But you’ll never know this part of me. You’ll never be invited past the walls I’ve learned to put up to protect myself from letting people get too close.
With that in mind, if you never meet me in person, you will never know my entire personality. If you want to judge the things I put out into the ether as the only things that make up my personality, then you’re free to do so. You’re also free to believe that my wife is a saint for putting up with me because I obviously have so many issues that it never balances out and she’s always the one that’s left holding the bag when there’s a problem in our relationship, because obviously, if we have a problem, it’s because of me.
You’re also free to believe that I am a complete nut job, because that doesn’t threaten me in the slightest. I have a chemical imbalance. Nutjob happens.
There are always going to be things in this blog that reflect a part of me, but there’s never going to be anything that represents everything. There’s so much more bad and so much more good and so much more crazy then I could ever capture in an essay…
And you’re invited.