Pushing Me Out of the Way

I am starting to find out, between all my writing and reflection, that I am my biggest obstacle, and I don’t know how to get me out of the way. I have ADD without hyperactivity, and it is constantly plaguing me at work. I don’t fall short with big picture details… it’s only when something so small needs to happen that it runs under my attention and hides just beyond my reach.

It’s a huge deal to me, because I cannot think of one single thing I’m doing wrong, because this problem is not new. It has plagued me since elementary school. I know within myself that if I could think of a solution, it would be implemented by now. I’ve read Driven to Distraction, and like one of the case studies in the book, I know I’d be late to the psychiatrist’s appointment to talk about my ADD as well.

I’m at the end of my rope, and it doesn’t matter whether I’m late to the psychiatrist’s office or not. It’s either get this taken care of now, or let it continue to plague me until I’m dead. Those emotions create so much fear in me that something has to give. I cannot live my life this way anymore.

There are all kinds of psychiatry that would help me, most notably cognitive and behavioral therapy to implement habits. Creating habits, for me, is just as hard and stressful as higher mathematics. I can deal with infinities as well as I deal with finding my keys/phone/bag every damn morning, which is to say, not well.

I go completely inside myself, gathering my strength, because some days feel like battling my own mind just to get it together. I’m awfully hard on myself, which is why when life gets difficult because of my disease I tend to spiral into self-fulfilling prophesies of failure.

Talking to Dana helps, because she suffers with the same disease. However, she is much more consistent than I am about having coping mechanisms and using them. I’m often jealous that she is so much more put together than I am, but then again, because she’s not working right now, she doesn’t have as much on her plate to handle as I do in a given day. I am sure that if she were working, I would see more of her struggle than I do right now. In my darkest moments, I realize that I rely on her organizational skills way too much. Her nickname even reflects this- she is my “Danabase.”

I am putting these words down on paper to have something tangible to hold myself accountable to my words. I said I need help, now I need to get it… else this will be another detail I let fall through the cracks, and it’s the one thing that will heal the cracks from happening in the first place.

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