The Clay in My Eyes

Recently I had a conversation with a friend who has been a long-time supporter of “Stories…” Two of them, actually. The first comment I got was, “I’ve been enjoying your blog a lot lately.” I took the compliment in, but I still wanted to talk to someone else who’d been there since the beginning, but not because I needed validation that the compliment was real. I wanted to see something deeper. Have I changed since this started?

Her response was thoughtful ~ “it doesn’t vibrate with pain the way it did last year.”

No, it doesn’t.

I told her that this blog was never meant to be static… that it would change as I did. I thought some more about it (of course I did), because the comment was so completely what I needed to hear that it gave me a lot of pause.

There has been a lot of pain over my lifetime, but nothing that I couldn’t handle. They call it going through hell for a reason… eventually, you come out of it. This blog was meant to start out as a dark tunnel and progress toward the exit, as if I was emerging from something, because I was. That “something” was all the years of lies I’d let myself believe. It was all of the years that I marched forward with no evidence that anything was going to happen, much less “something.” It was learning new sets of expectations that I set for myself, instead of letting them be set for me. It was a shot in the arm to move myself, because the waiting was killing me.

I could never put my finger on what I was waiting for until I realized that I wasn’t waiting for anything. Of course I had my own wants and needs, but I was used to having them completely ignored… so, in reality, even though I thought there was a “something,” there was always a “nothing.”

Always.

For instance, she told me that when I was 18, I was welcome to come and live with her and go to Portland State. She wanted to get me out of the Bible belt as quickly as possible. At the same time, she told her partner that she thought that when I was 18, I would “just go away.”

The dissonance was always there, and I was blind to it. As I have crawled out of the dark tunnel and into the light, I began to look at the same situation with new eyes, and you are the ones that gave me the ability. If there’s anything I owe to this web site, it is gaining sight that I’d otherwise lost.

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