In my grief therapy group that I attended after my divorce from Kathleen, one of the exercises we did was to list all our losses- those things we knew we’d never get from that person again. For my inner 37-year-old, I have to deal with loss itself. In an abusive relationship, if you are the enabler, you have to admit you lost. You were never going to change them in the first place.
It hurts, all those moments you spent wishing that something would change. That something would finally click, and the face you loved would love you in return, the way you needed it to. It doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship. It could be your father or mother. If you were in this type relationship with your mother or your father, you probably spent a lot of time wondering if you’d ever win.
Did you?
For me, it was not necessarily that I wanted her to be my girlfriend. I was already confused as to whether that was an intention or not. But beyond eros, there were a thousand other types of love wrapped in the chord that runs between us. It was so intense that even I don’t understand it. The closest parallel I can draw is in Twilight (I know, right?) when Jacob, in his love for Bella, imprints on her child. He has been in love with her for so long, and yet so much of it is beyond eros. I imprinted on my abuser, and it is so entrenched that it will never go away, because I would have to destroy the wheat and the weeds.
I imprinted on her, and she says to this day that it never happened for her. I believe her, and I don’t all at the same time. I believe that there is a leaking velvet box inside her soul, as well. I believe that if she doesn’t see the chord that runs between us, it may not be that it isn’t there. It may be that she can’t acknowledge it because it’s so fucked up and so true at the same time. But that’s conjecture on my part, just what I use to pass the time.
People ask the abused all the time why they stay. I think I’ve figured it out. It’s that the chord between two people in a relationship carries all sorts of things, positive and negative. What you pick up depends on what you’re looking for. If you’re looking for positive aspects, they will leap out at you when you start to weigh pros and cons.
The negative that leapt out at me was that I never should have had to spend my entire life pining over one woman because she woke up my sex life before it was ready and treated me like I was her best friend. I never should have had a tape that ingrained that said she was The One when I was 13 years old. No matter what she thinks this is still undeniably true. Boom. It stands on its own without any emotion behind it- she did something wrong.
Why did I stay? I justified that wrong for a long time. It wasn’t until I tried to have a relationship that was more important than ours that this problem hurt in just the right way so I could see it clearly and when I did, I went into shock.
The shock has only sort of started wearing off, because the longer I sit with this problem, the shadier I feel.
I felt like I couldn’t save her, and the whole time she was playing me. Before I could drive. Before I could type. Before I could vote. Before I could responsibly be trusted with anything.
In the still of the night, I know it’s not that she hasn’t done this to others. I was just the youngest.
Stories That Are All True 