Warning: Triggers Ahead

This is my personality without my abuser:

Your Keirsey Temperament Sorter Results indicates that your personality type is that of the Idealists (NF), as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self — always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.

Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the “not visible” or the “not yet” that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a “soulmate,” someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

Idealists are relatively rare, making up no more than 15 to 20 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.

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And then the part of her that lives in me tells me that I could just as easily slit one of these precious people’s throats and walk away with no remorse, especially if it was justified and sanctioned by someone else. I love the idea of The Code. I love anything that feeds my dark side because I feel like no one can handle it. No one can go deeper and darker than I can in my group of friends. It is my illness and it is huge. There is not a monster inside me. In a lot of ways, there are pockets of me that are just black holes. No morality. No conscience. No fear. No joy. No anything. Just terrifying and cold silence. I don’t think I’m dangerous. I think it’s lucky that I’m NOT dangerous given everything I’ve been through. If I have an alter ego on television, it’s Quinn from Scandal, and I don’t even blink when I make that comparison. I spent the entirety of Dexter in my head. I went there and I liked what I saw. I am addict. I will do anything to get other people’s dopamine when I’m in that head space, and everything to find my way back to the sweet kid I was…

If you (plural) love me, you won’t read this and freak. You’ll say, “Leslie has an imaginative fantasy life.” That’s probably true, because my blog and my head are my most dangerous weapons. Actually, no, my mind is truly fascinating. I have the capacity to love you until I just can’t anymore. It’s so big that it will swallow you whole and you’ll adore the way I dote and flirt on my friends.

Just don’t stay around to watch my eyes flash, because you will see it and it will scare you into absolute and complete submission.

You know the really fucked up part? It should.

I have proven this weekend that if you try to hurt my family, I will respond in kind. My mother lion is so vicious that I emotionally cut someone to shreds because they DARE speak to Dana that way. I would have died rather than let them win. DIED. Do not come into my house and accept my hospitality and tell me that God didn’t create me and that my wife and I are mistakes. Seems like a reasonable request.

Apparently, I would be surprised.

Don’t ever test me and try to get me off my leash. The genie does not go back to the circle couch on this one.

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