I have mentioned that I lost a friend, and I am still grieving mightily. She has a sacred place in my heart, and can’t see it anymore. I send love and I get back anger. I send peace and I get back “go fuck yourself.” It’s time to end it until she can get past her own pain, and probably won’t, because she doesn’t even acknowledge that it’s there. I cannot go on grieving someone who has so little regard for me, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck.
I have been in this relationship before… many times, in fact. In part, I have created them. I am used to being an enabler, and as soon as I do that, the pattern becomes entrenched and I can’t back out of it no matter how hard I try. The thing I have to work on are the triggers that make me think enabling is my only viable option.
People who have been abused take a long time to readjust their patterns, because they are in effect, reshaping their personalities. I stepped over a huge boundary without even knowing it, and the fallout began immediately, just shit raining down on my head which I thought I deserved because I’d behaved badly, anyway.
A few weeks later, I realized that I couldn’t possibly apologize enough, because what I’d already done was beyond the call of duty. I laid myself bare on like, three media platforms and still… go fuck yourself and get the fuck out of my life.
It wasn’t always this way. In the beginning, she proved to be one of the great loves of my life, completely sanctioned by Dana because it wasn’t *that* kind of love, but still absolutely unconditional… the type of love that you try all your life to have for yourself to feel complete.
The kind I need right now, because surely it can only get better from here.