As I mentioned yesterday, I took one of my lesbro’s confessions, even though I’m not Catholic and neither is he…. I don’t think. I didn’t ask. It doesn’t matter. When you’re the ear that’s willing to listen, very few people need to see how much schoolwork you’ve finished beforehand. I warned him, anyway. I’m not a therapist, I’m just a stranger on a train.
This entry is not about him. It’s about what happened to me while he was talking. It was The Wounded Healer writ large, as if letting his pain temper me by fire, because we already had a chord. The fire made room for it to grow in all the right ways that you would want a friendship to go. Our on the ground connection is intense… someone that I saw nearly every day. Now our connection in the cloud is strong and comfortable, and the emotion was intense.
I notice that now the darkness and the light have made their peace with each other in me, I feel things differently and definitely with more intensity than before. I had so much clinical separation that I could not let others’ words change me. I could only let mine change them. It wasn’t that I was trying to lord power over them, it’s that I couldn’t get vulnerable enough to hear criticism from people I love and hold it in my mind at the same time that they loved me. Every interaction with everyone left me a barbed wire fence, for I could not get through the day without armor up. My ability to give love was entrenched, while my ability to receive it was burning before my eyes.
I still have that relationship with someone else. Neither one of us can stand the fact that the other loves us, and we run like hell to get away from that fact. Deep love turns into deep hate quickly because we have a very intimate emotional moment and then the “fuck yous” start because we each cannot believe we revealed that much about ourselves that no one else loves, so why should we? I surrendered to her when I realized what I was doing. I was giving her love without being able to take it. Without being able to rest in it.
I figured out the reason for this. It’s that we write to each other, and I am the type person that responds quickly face-to-face. I have a hard time believing what people say, and I need to see what they do. I didn’t realize this about myself until I met her, so she is fundamental to understanding me. She was the first person to give me enough fire in love that I could see what she was saying for what it was, and not what I thought it was. I needed someone that could prove everything beyond a reasonable doubt, and when I got her I still wasted time not believing her judgment the first time around, because it was swift and not the reasoned approach I take to everything.
It’s not that she can’t look at all 82 sides of a problem. It’s that she can do it faster than I can. For real. It was like being a PIII and “taking the road to Xeon.”
For the first time in my entire life, I am the princess……………………….. and she is the thinker. She heard me already the first five times, and still doesn’t agree with me.
It’s changing the way I respond to her decisions that’s the fun part of being me. I’ve never been a princess before, and I’ve never had a thinker. Not a real one. I mean, I did…….. but we see how that turned out. You can see how long I’d have to test boundaries to make sure I wasn’t getting a raw deal.
I learned that if I was willing to cut my bullshit and listen, she could teach me to overclock my processor.