The Loudest and Most Insistent Angel

Kristie said that I’d become her loudest and most insistent angel, and I immediately christened myself Gladys Herdman’s disciple. “SHAZAAM! HEY! UNTO YOU A CHILD IS BORN!” I’m sorry that I tend to kick people in the back of the face emotionally, but it is my life’s work on earth- to tell my story and hope that you identify with a piece, because it might allow you to go home and create something better than I’ve said here. It’s all about building on each other.

I will not share what happened with my 7th grade best friend, because at least for a little while, I need to keep it under wraps. We’ve got a lot to do, but ultimately we’re ready to do the hard work in order to end up in a better place. Hugs, cheek kisses, an arm around my shoulder. Another addition to the Board of Directors. She keeps me humble because she always has. I knew that the darkness of my abuse would break her, and I didn’t need to change her life, too. This will be a better story if you’ll wait for it, because there are too many puzzle pieces that need to fall together in my own mind before I can process it efficiently. It’s about breathing all the way down before I exhale words, and I have plenty of stuff that bothers the shit out of me that is also entertaining and, ummm, insistent.

I’m making friends at work that share my interests and are funny, smart, and talented. I had so much fun with Greg when he was working as a wine steward for New Seasons Market and teaching for the International Sommelier Guild. He would light up from the inside about history, geography, and tasting it…. wine, yes, but elements of the past that have aged into beauty.

Aaron is taking Josie to school this morning, and then I have plans with him to sit on the couch and chat for a bit before taking on the enormity of our house right now. I have been acting like dumped girl and the kitchen shows it. I finally had enough of feeling rejected and decided not to reject myself. As Olivia Pope said in Scandal, “I CHOOSE OLIVIA.”

I feel I have righted some enormous wrongs- enough to have peace that I can move on, knowing that whether I ever talk to her again, she changed my life in ways that she cannot comprehend not having known me since I was a kid. My words are large to and about her are large because I was trying to make her understand something that cannot possibly be translated….. all the kid fears she quieted in her soft and gentle whispering, all the adult bad behaviors she called me on so I could finally see them and try to make amends.

It was breaking eggs to make an omelet, and it feels good to be cheesy. I cannot wait to see the one I’ve waited for, but couldn’t receive because of my own insecurities and flaws. I am an absolute 7th grade mushball when I’m around her, and Dana will find it incredibly cute. Now I can say a lot of things out loud that I never could have before…. most of which is forgiving myself for thinking that she couldn’t handle the mess I was in, because while it might have hurt her, she also might have given me the strength to have talked- another thing that is lost to history, but something I cannot avoid running through my mind quickly- a picture I cannot grab.

I think about things, because now I am my own loudest and most insistent angel, making me think about things until I have worked them to resolution. Sometimes it takes one of the board to get me to see that I should take the things I say to heart. If it’s helped other people, imagine what it could do for me. 🙂

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