Paul Gilmartin reminded me to write some, because I have had so many awfulsome moments this week:
- I love how Argo has a five ton personality and a rat dog. In my head, she is Stan Smith on American Dad from the episode where he joins the Log Cabin Republicans without knowing they’re gay. She is going to whip my ass later for insinuating that she’s….. Republican.
- I love the sound of Dana watching TV while I sit in my office and write.
- I love hugs from Aaron that last a second longer because he knows how much pain I’m in.
- I love being able to tell the Internet that I am crazy again and I need help and the response is even bigger now, not because the problem is bigger, but because there are more people to hear me.
- I love that just in writing this entry, I have hit reload five times on the Stan Smith video.
- I love that I am strong enough to take this much criticism because I have been learning how to take criticism and use it to my advantage for two years. People angry with me over the divorce express their anger and I get to say, “I’m sorry for your pain, but this is not about you and therefore, my pain is more important to me than yours.”
- I love that I know within myself not to make it about everyone, because when I do, I try to save everyone but me.
- I love that with this breakup, I see more self-preservation in either of us than I have seen in years. We are setting healthy boundaries because we saw how frayed the unhealthy ones had become but unfortunately, it was too late.
- I love that I am allowed to say as much as I want that I am absolutely in love with Dana and she is not freaked out to hear it. Walking away in the peace of “I love you and maybe we will meet again and maybe we won’t” seems infinitely healthier than either of us being out on our asses.
- I love that I got to make the joke with Brooke (new friend who is also a lesbian) that I’m glad Meg (Dana’s ex) and I are still friends because we know that in the lesbian community, that’s what we do. It takes the entire line of exes to train our beloved for other people not to hate them in the same ways we do.
- I love that lesbian breakups only come in two types….. amicable parting with lots of hugs and cheek kisses, AND ABSOLUTE THERMONUCLEAR WAR ARE YOU KIDDING ME SOUND THE ALARMS MAY DAY MAY DAY WE ARE GOING DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- I love that even when you have thermonuclear war with an ex-girlfriend there’s still something that she thinks is cute about you….. she just won’t tell you. But she will spend the rest of her life telling other people.
- I love that when needed, Daddies jump in.
- I love that I can tell myself the absolute truth. I am in the space where no one loves me, not even me, but we still have to live together.
- I love the way I dress now. I look like a shorter version of Ellen. I have never had a crush on her, I’ve just always wanted to be like her. The moment when my next door neighbor told me that I looked like her, I went a little nutso inside. #missionaccomplished
- I love the daydream I had this morning. I am a soprano. My friend Giles is a baritone. The daydream was singing together at National Cathedral…. not as a gig. Standing behind the rest of our friends in the congregation so that we can show off our chops.
- I love that I am quiet and shy and depressed and isolating and all that stuff, but I will still take the high B flat at the end of the Star Spangled Banner occasionally so that everyone will turn and look at me.
- I love that I never do it if I’m alone. Just because I can doesn’t mean I will. But if there is someone I’m trying to impress, I’m not trying to get attention. I’m waiting for the moment. The moment when they see how others light up when notes like that are hit. I don’t care about the people I don’t know. I want my date, my friend, my whomever to be the one standing there paying more attention than I am to the people around me. It makes me feel amazing when Dana says, “did you see all those people looking at you? You were AMAZING! HOW DO YOU DO THAT?”
I love it.