I knew that breaking up with Dana would break me, but I didn’t realize the degree until I got home last night. I was telling her about my feelings and having a very intense moment of “small-l leslie,” and instead she called my dad and told him that she thought I was having a psychotic episode. She then told me that she would call the police if I didn’t go away, even though I was sitting on the floor, talking in my smallest voice. I am on a medication for stress and anxiety. I cannot get rattled to the same degree ever again. Dana has the right to feel what she wants about me, and I have the right to say it was a bad call. I have never and will never want my father to be involved in my marriage. I was trying to tell her about my weekend. She asked me to stop, and I told her that we were just getting somewhere, because she would get deeper and deeper and say, “this conversation is over,” so that I had plenty of chances to hear her and few chances to talk.
Dana told me that the reason Angela called her first was that she was appalled I posted our divorce on Facebook. She thought THAT was the reason for my psychotic break. Without breaking confidentiality, all I will say is that Dana has chosen my parents over me, and it breaks my heart. I refuse to talk shit about Dana, but at the same time, I think I am well within my right to say that maybe she is overstating her right-ness and overstating my wrong-ness so that she can feel better about walking away. I feel so broken that it doesn’t matter whether she walks away or not. I have to fix myself regardless of her decisions, and I am glad that I have so many options available to me that do not include reconciling with her. It is obvious to me that she does not understand the depth and breadth of fear that she’s re-enforced by threatening to call my father and possibly the police at a time when I needed her more and not less. I may not be the wife anymore, but I am still the person that remembers hiking to the top of Angels’ Rest and having Dana hold on to my ankles while I got a shot of the entire gorge.
My problem is realizing that woman is gone. She left some time ago. She just didn’t tell me about it. The last fight redefined us, and no apology is enough on either side at this time. I just want to go on record as saying that I am working through an enormous thunderstorm, and again, people are reacting as if I am entirely mentally unstable when I feel more in my body than I ever have. Letting go of Diane was a thunderstorm that luckily took way less time to exorcise than it did to create it, but only because someone proved to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was experiencing post-traumatic stress. It wasn’t that I couldn’t “get my shit together.” I will be in occupational therapy for a long time as I learn to manage my trauma reflexes and break them down to create new healthy patterns.
When I said that it felt like everyone was out to get me, I don’t mean all of you. I mean the people in my life closest to me. Because when Dana retreats, that’s not my friends retreating. That’s my entire world thinking that I am a monster…. that I have abused her emotionally for so long that I deserve everything she’s given me so far, and if you are a party to our inner monologues, you know what fucking bullshit that is. I could never give as much as I got in a fight. Ever. I am not wired that way. I just have a Napoleon complex that comes out when threatened. I am a five ton personality in a rat dog body.
Maybe that’s why I love Argo’s dog.