The Friday Five on Monday from Back in the Day

Once again, your Friday Five.

If you…

1. …owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve?

Oh, wow. I totally have this great fantasy going now. It would be an Indian restaurant, with every tacky, gaudy piece of Indian artwork ever produced inside. Our specialty would be Vindaloo curry, where the Vindaloo would be $1.95 and the water would be eight bucks. I would try to do the voiceovers for the commercials myself, but after we made enough money, I would ask Sir Ben Kingsley.

2. …owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell?

My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard, ya dig?

3. …wrote a book, what genre would it be?

This is actually very difficult, because eventually I do want to write a book and I’m convinced I only have one in me so I better get it “write.” When I was a teenager I used to come up with titles in homeroom.

a) an autobiography- Trumpet Players Don’t Wear Lipstick… would have been great had I actually turned out to be a trumpet player as planned in the eighth grade.

b) a non-fiction account of gay rights in America- If Silence = Death, Why Aren’t We Screaming? I came up with this one when I lived in Tom DeLay’s district because back then I didn’t know any other gay people and I assumed that if they were out there, they were being pretty damn quiet about it.

c) A novel for preteens- I am consistently amazed by all the GREAT fiction there is for preteens, like Flipped by Wendelin Van Draanen, Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing by Judy Blume, The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin, The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle by Avi, and Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging: Confessions of Georgia Nicolson by Louise Rennison. Incidentally, Confessions of Georgia Nicolson is a series, and the ones that follow are just as funny. They are On the Bright Side, I’m Now the Girlfriend of a Sex God, Knocked Out by My Nunga-Nungas, and Dancing in My Nuddy Pants. They’re a lot tamer than the titles seem… relax, Georgia’s British.

4. …ran a school, what would you teach?

a) How NOT to Drive
b) The Finer Points of Finesse: Good Writers Paraphrase, Great Writers Steal Outright
c) How to Negotiate a Better Grade by Making Your Professor a Web Site
d) Creating a Distraction When One’s Foot is in One’s Mouth
e) Learned Helplessness: the Blessing and the Curse
f) Channeling Your Inner Child for Fun and Profit
g) Diplomacy is the Best Policy, Bitch

5. …recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it?

If I had to perform everything myself, I would break it down like this:

4 tracks big band jazz (preferably me with Big Bop Nouveau)
2 tracks jazz combo (preferably me with The Bandwagon)
2 tracks jazz combo (preferably me singing with Jason Moran and the Bandwagon)
2 Indigo Girls covers with my sister singing the high fluty parts and me singing the raspy cigar and vodka parts
2 tracks ska with my sister as the vocalist and me as the wacky trumpet player in the back

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