I got the supplemental questions they’re only sending to selected applicants in my e-mail today, and for the first time in my life, I am speechless. I am sure that the answers will flow when they are ready, but right now, I am having trouble pulling them out. I know some bare bones, but this is the time to be specific. Everything I’ve ever done church-wise has led me to this point, and now it’s here, and I am somewhat panicked. It’s not that I’m afraid to fail. In some sense, I am afraid to succeed. God has been asking, and now I’m answering with some definitive statements. At the same time, though, there’s still that part of me that says I’m not good enough, and I should look for an adult who can adult better than me. And then my still, small voice says to me that there is no adult who can adult better than me in this job, because I’ve done every single part before. I just haven’t made any money at it.
It’s funny how making money at something makes it more real… as if I haven’t slaved over every sermon, every bulletin, every Senior High Sunday School class, every retreat, every board meeting… This is not my first rodeo, cowgirls. It’s funny how I think it is. In some ways, it’s going to be a better fit for me if I get the job, because there is nothing like being a person “in charge” without any actual authority or title. The buck will stop with me, people will look to me for answers, and that might seem scary to some people. For me, the lack of having to wait until someone in authority gets there is comforting. I am not saying I will not have a boss, but there is a difference between running the program under authority and as a volunteer. The volunteer put in charge is not really, because with no real authority, there can be too many chefs and not enough line cooks. Being given the authority to carry out the things I’ve set in motion in planning meetings, along with the ability to say, “no, we’re not going to do it that way” and have people believe me is a very good thing. People try harder to override volunteers, even if the pastor says, “I’m putting X in charge.” I am not interested in being a dictator, but I am interested in staying true to the vision I put forth. There are ways in which I will give and which I won’t, but those are my decisions to make, not those to be made for me, unless the person making them has more authority than I do. The vision is top-down, not lateral.
Right now, though, I am my own biggest obstacle, and God is moving me out of the way.
Oh, there we go. Here it is. Starting to flow.
Praying on the spaces…………………………………………………