The Breakdown in the System

I set my alarm for 7:30 so that I could be at the church by 9:00 to attend Sunday School and choir practice. It was really important that I was there for World Communion Sunday, because there was a lot of music- one of the biggest sets of the entire season. I kept hitting the snooze button because I stayed up late reading, not remembering that if you hit the snooze button too many times, it turns off and stops ringing entirely. The next time I woke up, it was 11:15 and church starts at 10:30. I feel like a dickhead of enormous proportions, because if I was going to miss a Sunday, this wasn’t it. I am one of the few sopranos who has the vocal power to act as what I call “lead trumpet player.” We have one other one, Ingrid, but she wasn’t there at choir practice on Thursday and I just have to hope to God she made it to church.

The other breakdown is that Samantha is out of town visiting one of her other close friends, and so there was no one to give me a wake-up call. I should have texted her last night, because my phone ringing is one of the few things that will get me up when my alarm won’t. To combat the problem, I took the Best Buy gift card that my aunt and my mom gave me for my birthday and bought a clock radio of massive proportions. It has a volume setting that goes to “oh my fuck,” and it will connect with bluetooth and act as a speaker phone so that Samantha doesn’t have to come upstairs and jump on me, which she’s threatened to do many times.

Also, my cat, Asher, is dead. She died a long time ago, but it’s another breakdown in the system because rain, shine, sleet, snow, whatever, every morning that little fucker stuck one claw up my nose at 5:30 AM. With that alarm, there is no snooze. My ex-girlfriend, Angela, stuck her finger up my nose to wake me up one morning, and I think Asher extrapolated for the next four years.

Dear Angela,




I cannot get a new cat for a couple of reasons. The first is that I don’t want to pay for food, water, vet checks, etc. The second is that we have dogs, and Nassers aren’t big on cats, so I’d have to hide her in my room at all times. This does not work for me. I’d rather wait until I have an apartment of my own and she can move freely about my sofas and chairs as God intended.

I actually already have a cat, but I left him with Dana, which for the record, was REALLY Dana doing me a solid.

She was so cute. She said, “of course I have to do you a solid or the house will blow up.” The link for “doing me a solid” is to Hulu for the episode. You might need a subscription to watch it. I am pretty sure that I pay for Hulu *just* to watch Regular Show. It is the most brilliant show on television, built for kids and adults, because the adult jokes go right over the kids’ heads. Soda is beer and pizza is weed, so the guys are absolute stoners and get into all kinds of trouble. Seriously, I have watched Just Set Up the Chairs approximately 58 times, and that is underestimating.

When I was working for Alert Logic, I used to go home for lunch. Regular Show episodes are about 12 minutes, so I would grab a sandwich and have just enough time for an episode before I had to drive back. There were WEEKS where I would watch Just Set Up the Chairs every day.

My other favorite was an episode of Adventure Time called Trouble in Lumpy Space, because I will watch ANYTHING with Lumpy Space Princess. I got an LSP throw blanket for when I was working overnight and would sleep on my lunch break. I also used to have a Mordecai and Rigby belt, but Dana stole it from me. Eh. I did her a solid.

The other breakdown in the system is that I usually take a 200mg caffeine tab as soon as my alarm goes off, so that if I hit the snooze button a couple of times, it’s kicked in and I can go right to a shower. I have so many tips, tricks, and failsafes. It’s a shame I didn’t use them.

I did go to church yesterday, though. It’s ok that I preached to myself. I fell asleep in the middle, though.


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