Smoldering

Time is passing by slowly as I tick down the hours until I go to work. I’m excited and I can’t wait to jump in. I’ve missed having a team, working on projects together and then maybe going for a drink afterward. I don’t know yet what kind of environment it will be, and I am hoping for the best. The owner of the business certainly impressed me with his letter, and the person who interviewed me was awesome as well. I love that in this job, they want my visionary capability instead of trying to stifle it. I am much better in a creative role than a technical one, but I can do technical when I’m needed. I’m just grateful that it’s not my only definition. Yes, I am a geek. But I am also great with ideas.

The idea of figuring out who I am has helped me the most. I am more secure in my vision for myself, in both what I do for a living and in writing, my career. I know more about what I want out of life and what I am willing to sacrifice for it. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know the fire I am capable of creating, both the fire that tears me down and the fire that tempers me, remolding me into a new creation.

I know more about love, and what it means to me in a working definition of marriage, friendship, and family (blood and chosen). I miss the day-in, day-out of being emotionally close to Aaron, Argo, and Dana… but I have recreated family in DC that is just as precious to me as they are. At the same time, I have learned more about why I needed to move away emotionally from them (not so much with Aaron, who will always be one of my “lesbros,” but you get the picture). I couldn’t find myself without a great amount of silence, as I have right now, sitting here writing to all of you.

It’s been a hell of a year.

Today it is raining and cold, 41 degrees to be precise. I am sitting at my desk wearing lots of layers, but soon I will retire to my bed and watch TV with my electric blanket on H until I warm up enough that my fingers have blood in them again. I just started a series called “Covert Affairs” that is about the CIA. I have no idea how realistic it is, but the characters are great and it’s action-packed so that I forget everything around me and just enjoy the story. It’s a lot like Alias in execution. The characters all struggle with the dissonance between their real jobs and the amount of lying it takes to create the world they present to their families… and are as lovable as Sydney and Francie.

The weather is so dreary that I might fall asleep, but I’ve had enough coffee that I really don’t want to take a nap and will try to avoid it at all costs. If I take a nap, I will not be able to fall asleep when I’m supposed to and it will throw off my schedule (again). No one wants that. I am better-equipped when I go to bed early and get up at 5:00 or 6:00. I am a morning person, and writing as the sun comes up is one of my greatest pleasures. I don’t have to be in the office until 9:00, so that’s a solid hour of writing until I have to leave for the Metro station. I am planning to stick to that schedule as long as possible, rather than writing into the night.

I am also the jackass for whom “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” was written………………

Praying on the spaces, though. I want my inner thoughts to match my outward behavior, and am doing a better job of it than I ever have before. I am leaning into the person I want to become, rather than the person I have been in the past.

I didn’t love her.

 

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