On My Own

This morning I was so full of grief and anxiety that I didn’t get out of bed until it was time to go and visit Prianka. I knew she would get me to the point where I could live out of abundance again. It comes in waves. I try to live my life that way, but there is still mental illness to manage, which takes my real thoughts and mangles them until I can’t remember what is real. I remain closed off to what the universe has offered me, which is a whole hell of a lot. When I keep my mind on my future, everything looks bright. When I run across something that opens an emotional wound, I sit with it to the point that I can’t leave the house. This morning it was a case of letting my emotions manage me, rather than me managing them. I try as hard as I can not to go to that place, but for someone who suffers from bipolar disorder, sometimes it is unavoidable and I just have to deal with it until it passes. The urge to isolate is strong, to be fearful of what the universe has to offer because it is so foreign.

Alternatively, I do see abundance. I do see myself as the prosperous person I want to be. I have landed an amazing job that pays me what I’m worth, and not only that, the universe responded when I put myself out there. They wanted me because of my blog and the profile they read on the Maryland Workforce Commission web site. Yes, that’s right. They read my blog before they hired me, which is enough to make me tear up with joy. They know my shit and they hired me, anyway. It doesn’t get any better than that, because why would I want to work for anyone that didn’t recognize me for the writer I am? That didn’t want me just as I am, without one plea? In fact, one of my coworkers thinks that my blogging is a good thing and doesn’t mind me blogging about work as long as I am not giving away proprietary information. I know within myself that if something was going wrong, I wouldn’t write about it, anyway. There’s no point in getting Dooced. But at the same time, there are lots of exciting things that I’ve never gotten to do before, and I do want to talk about it…. mostly because the more I am myself, the more abundance comes my way. It was a shift learning to live that way…. one that is still happening because I have moments of fear to sit with until they’re gone and I can look at the universe as a friend. That if I am honest about what I want, and create a clear vision for it, the universe will answer.

I put myself out there with Prianka today. I said, “we don’t get to see each other very often. We should talk on the phone more.” I was surprised that it even came out of my mouth, but it was something I needed to ask the universe and hope she responded positively. If I could capture Prianka’s essence in a perfume bottle, I’d put it behind my ears just for safety. She is my guru, the living example of “when you ask the universe for what you want, people will find a way to make it happen.” Having that energy around me has me striving to be a better person, to live in that space of promise rather than the space of fear that limits me to isolating in my room. I am missing amazing opportunities to network on the Metro. You never know when you might be sitting next to an intern, a veteran, an intelligence officer, etc. I just mean networking socially. It would be cool to know those sorts of people because I am fascinated by them, not that I want to work in the world they inhabit. For me, it’s better to hear their stories than have my own. I am not the person in the room. I’m just the person that wants to write it down afterward.

It feels like I am exactly where I need to be at this time in my life. I’ve managed to live in abundance because I’m not viscerally angry at Dana, just sad. Not bitter, just broken. I think that’s a better place to be….. just trying to work through my own feelings without making anything worse than it already is. Bitterness and anger do not serve me. Realizing that I am broken open does. Is it weird that I feel I needed Silver Spring, but at the same time, I also feel like Silver Spring needed me? I plugged in quickly and easily. I found something that fed my soul right away, so I didn’t have much time to dwell on my sadness. I had all the time in the world to realize how much I could give. How much I could stretch to accommodate the blessings that were being bestowed upon me even when I wasn’t in a place to receive them. In the words of Oprah Winfrey, “the crown has been placed upon your head and all you have to do is STAND UP.” That’s the process I am going through now. I have been prostrate on the floor, and I am up to my knees. One of these days, and I hope it is soon, I will rise up to meet the God-energy that’s flowed around me and watch it flow through. Even though we talk every day, I think God requires something and I don’t quite know what it is. But lessons are repeated until you get it. God taps on your shoulder, and if you don’t get it the first time, there’s a second tap. The third time, it is full-on Nock Yo Punkass Down. I am in the transition of living in fear to living in abundance, and if I keep saying it to myself over and over, I will believe it.

I am in the time and place I am supposed to be. I landed on my feet solidly in order to have time with myself, to get to know me and try to accept the fact that I’m just me. I have my own quirks, faults, and flaws…. but that doesn’t mean I have to dislike myself for it. I’m no worse or better than anyone else. If I ever have another serious relationship, it will be a series of dates laying out all our quirks to see if they line up. Right now, I can’t even see that far, and am happy to be single for the rest of my life unless someone so miraculous comes into my life that it doesn’t make sense to isolate into my books anymore. I just learn so much more when I’m reading and praying than i do when I am out and about. I hear you have to do that to meet people.

I am skeptical.

I do not live in abundance when it comes to opening up to other people. Eventually, I will try. But right now I feel a large wall of protection built up to keep other people away. That wall does not come from a place of anger. It comes from a place of wanting to staunch the bleeding that’s already happened. To open myself up to anyone new, friend or love interest, is as scary to me as picking up the phone or a venomous snake. Believe it or don’t, I’d take my chances with the snake first, because then I wouldn’t have to call anyone ever again. 😉 To paraphrase one of Dana’s chefs in culinary school (he was talking about eating mushrooms), “you can hold any snake……….. once.”

And on that note, I’m going to head to the train. I need to go to youth group tonight. If is part of my plan in terms of opening myself up to abundance. I’m not sure I teach the kids anything except how to teach me, and that’s how it should be. I’m not a top-down leader. I’m a soft-power kind of leader. I tend to get much better results that way because none of the kids think of me as “the heavy.” When they’re out of line, I can handle it quickly without getting the “OMG she is such a bitch #eyeroll” that most teenagers have perfected.

No, my kids have perfected being together and dealing with their differences in healthy ways. It is abundance in action, which only motivates me to be as forward-thinking as them.

We’re all moving together toward all the universe has to offer.

Amen.

 

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