Wrong. Just…. Wrong

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, just grumpy as all hell that my driver’s license hasn’t arrived and I can’t accrue any more hours at work until it does. So I’m sitting in the Silver Spring Metro Starbucks like I do every morning, NOT waiting for my train with all the other unemployed people who think Starbucks is actually a Kinko’s. There’s nothing wrong with it… did it for months, but I miss my office mate and the free coffee and camaraderie that comes with going to work. As Lou Anne, the office manager said, “you know, it’s not that bad a time to be off.” She’s right, but after spending so many self-induced months of isolation, I’m ready for more than that. My wallet couldn’t have gotten stolen at a more inopportune moment. The good news is that it is guaranteed by tomorrow, so “after all, tomorrah is another day.” Even when the government is saying, “frankly, my dear… I don’t give a damn.” Gone with the Wind quotes? Is that what we’re doing now?

My funniest story about Gone with the Wind is something that happened to someone else, but still so funny I have to tell it. My friend Gary’s dad, GB, took his now- wife, Marilyn, to see Gone with the Wind as their first date. GB got so bored in the movie that when they went to the popcorn stand at intermission, he told her that the movie was over and they went home. On the day I was told this story, Marilyn *still* hadn’t seen the end. That was in 1995.

Speaking of which, I am on the fence about spending $20.87 for a ticket to The Force Awakens. I want to see it in IMAX, because I saw the trailer in IMAX when my dad took me to see Spectre. However, I cannot find IMAX without 3D, and 3D gives me a headache because I have monocular vision and can’t see it, anyway. Everything just looks red and blue without angle of convergence. I may have to go to the theater without looking on Fandango to see if I missed something. Maybe there IS IMAX without 3D, because obviously we found it for Spectre…. and it may be cheaper.

The reason that a ticket to the new Star Wars movie couples with Marilyn’s lack of seeing the end to Gone with the Wind is that it reminded me I’ve never seen the end of Return of the Jedi. I mean, I saw it in May of 1983 in the theater with my dad… our last father/daughter date before my baby sister was born in June. However, I was 5 and a half then. I don’t remember it. What has happened in every viewing since is that I’ve made it to the Ewoks and fallen asleep every time. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Meaning that I have never seen the epic scenes at the end.

In short, fuck Dana.

I mean that in the most LOVING WAY POSSIBLE, but still. We’re hiking up to Angels’ Rest in he Columbia River Gorge, talking about Star Wars as we walk because that’s how nerds hike. Master Yoda is my favorite character in the entire series, and the part in Empire Strikes Back where he’s scrounging through Luke’s lunch box makes me laugh every time. So, we’re walking along and Dana says, “remember that scene where Yoda dies?” My face is absolutely horror-stricken and I yell, “YODA DIES?!?!?!?” and I kid you not, I fell ass over teakettle into a rock with the shock. I just lost it. I had to sit down for a minute to recover from the shock. Of course, Dana is laughing both because she just cannot believe how shocked I am and wishing she could have taken a video…. plus, I am sure in her head she’s thinking, “too soon?” I mean, the movie had come out almost 30 years ago by that point.

I have all the Star Wars movies so far on my 3TB hard drive, so perhaps it will get me in the mood to decide whether I want to spend the money for a Force Awakens ticket.

So here’s how the conversation with Dana ended up:

  • At the end of Little Women, BETH DIES.
  • In The Sixth Sense, he was dead the whole movie.
  • In The Crying Game, it was a MAN.
  • At the end of Titanic, ALMOST EVERYONE DROWNS.
  • Ken Jennings LOST LAST NIGHT.
  • etc., etc., etc.

I was funny angry, and we were both laughing as we were hiking. When we got to the top, I wanted a shot of the entire gorge. In order to get the shot, Dana held onto my feet so I wouldn’t slide down a cliff. We made an agreement that if we had an accident, sunflower4it was Dana’s responsibility to call my dad and say with authority, “Leslie was being a dumbass, and got herself killed.” And that reminds me of the day I GOT THE SHOT.

Dana and I were visiting Stepanie, her sister (whom I will call “Counselor” for the rest of her natural life), and taking a break from spending time with the whole famn damily. We were driving around just lost in conversation when I saw this huge sunflower field and told Dana to pull over. In order to get the shot, I had to climb down into that muddy gulch. It was so wet that it didn’t take three seconds before I was up to my shins in mud, and I COULD NOT GET BACK OUT. I was so stuck I couldn’t move. Finally, I tried taking my shoes off and climbing out that way. Dana was mystified as to why I was walking back to the car in my socks, and when I opened the door to the Jeep, the first thing I said was, “the most important thing is that I got the shot. The second thing is that the next farmer to work that field is going to find a pair of pink and white Nikes.”

It feels right that I am ending this entry sitting in a Starbucks as Thomas Lauderdale plays “Hang On, Little Tomato.”


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