Emotions…. Shaken, Not Stirred

Every once in a while, a news article scrolls across my feed and I get sick to my stomach about it. When that happens, I try to switch the music to something upbeat, or reach out to a friend, or take a walk. Today, it was reaching out to a friend and becoming so engrossed in work that I haven’t gotten up from my desk in almost five hours. I should really set a reminder, because this project needs to be done quickly, and yet no one expecting that I am actually chained here.

But sometimes, just sometimes, when I am caught in “don’t want to think about it,” coding is a refuge. I love it, except now I have a headache from staring at the screen. I made myself a small cup of coffee and took some ibuprofen to keep going. I don’t have much longer in the day, and I have a goal for what I want to get accomplished, and I have to accept that it may not be possible. I’m not so good at that. I will just keep working until they tell me they’re locking up and then I drag ass in the morning. It’s not that I can’t make it here on time, it’s that I haven’t had enough time away from the office to feel like I ever left.

But did I mention I’m working on a project?

Also trying to overhaul myself. Made the commitment to wear make-up every day because I have a real job now. I know that sounds weird, but it’s really not. As I’ve mentioned before, I kind of look like a fifteen-year-old boy without it. With it, I at least look like I’ve achieved puberty.

Plus, if I make a mistake with my eyes, my glasses cover it.

It’s not just that, though. It changes my attitude, one that I desperately need. It makes me walk a little taller because I know I look good. My face has started to even out a little bit due to the weather, but it’s not there yet. With make-up, I can at least be a smooth poser. I need to get a lighter shade of eyeliner, though, because every morning I look like I’m dressed for black tie. Evening makeup in the daytime. Hilarious.

I also need a haircut. Now that I wear it in a crew cut with the ends shattered to make it look like bedhead on purpose, I have to get it cut more often to keep it looking that way. If not, I just look like I live in Portland. Can’t look like that anymore…. lost my brown hoodie.

The one thing I need to buy that I haven’t gotten already is cordovan polish for my Docs. I might do a layer of black first to develop a patina, but I need the cordovan regardless. I’ll stop for it on the way home, if I leave before the stores close. It will be a miracle if I get out of here on time, because I cannot get up in the middle. I have to come to a good stopping place, or when I get here in the AM, I will have no idea where I am.

Where do I work again? Who are you people?

Yeah, that.


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