So. Full.

I bought some Marie Callender frozen meals to take to work. I know it’s processed food, but I figured it was better than going through a drive-thru. Today it was turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green beans, and carrots. Then, I had two donuts for dessert in addition to the one I ate when I got here. I’m planning on taking a long walk later. I needed food, especially sugar, because I am absolutely dragging ass. This morning I woke up at 0430, raring to go, but then I decided to sleep another hour and a half, and then I couldn’t move. Seriously, getting up was equal to the task of nailing Jell-O to a wall. I don’t know where my 0430 energy went, but it left and was replaced by a hungover malaise from my sleeping pills. I finally got out of bed at 8:15, ordered an Uber, and threw on my clothes. I put all my pills in my backpack and took them in the car. I got here just fine, but I wish I had taken all my 0430 energy and run with it. I could have made it to Starbucks by 0600 and settled into a semblance of routine.

I do not know why when I was unemployed, I was so anal-retentive about my schedule and now I’m not. Perhaps it’s that I spend so much time at the office that I feel I need every ounce of the time I’m not there. However, it would have been nice to have a shower this morning. I got a new Axe fragrance (body wash, not cologne) that smells like rosemary. It’s called Deep Space, and I’m pretty sure they don’t make it anymore, but it’s still in a few stores. I like Axe body wash because it smells so good and the fragrance lasts all day, so there’s no need for cologne/perfume/etc. I am also a huge fan of Dark Temptations, which has notes of chocolate and vanilla and whatever the hell it is they put in Obsession. Yes, I said it. Obsession.

That just took me to a very dark place. Diane wore (and probably still does) Obsession for every moment we were in the same room, and over time, it became the scent of home. When she walked into a room, the scent took me back to the bell tables at St. Mark’s, where we would share secrets and long, comforting hugs.

I choose to remember those moments as “home,” because when I don’t, I want to break stuff (it’s all about the she said she said bullshit).

I like having a note of Obsession in my cologne because it reminds me of that time in my life, and feels like home to me now. It’s like an homage, similar to Basie quoting Ellington or similar.

Recovering from all of this still leaves me in a weird “I’m sort of ok about it but I still want to kick her ass into next week” sort of place. But my goal is to take away rage, not add to it. I’d only be going back on my word that I want peace, and anger would only set me back even further in my recovery.

I really miss Sarah, and I need to find a therapist that can meet after work. I’ve got so much to do in terms of working on myself that I don’t want to abandon it. PTSD is real, and it wires my reactions in ways that I never would have even thought. For a lot of people, it is the key that unlocks their personality, and I am no exception. Until you understand where I’ve walked, you cannot understand me.

And if you cannot understand where I’ve walked, just the want to is enough.

Amen.

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