I Don’t Feel Good

I was looking at my memories today, watching Kristie and ___ and me duke it out over privacy issues that spanned from the first to the fourth amendment. My take on it that day was that you could say whatever you wanted in the privacy of your own home, and not in the public forum… but someone recording it released it to the public and therefore, violated right to privacy.

But I don’t care about that. I care about the name that goes in the space… another friend I lost on Facebok that I sit in the muck about, hoping to grow flowers in a rich, alive soil. After telling me that she was going to deactivate her Facebook account, I blocked her, because I didn’t think it mattered anyway. I was tired of getting in trouble at work for too much chatting, not enough paying attention. I wanted to fly under the radar with g-mail, but she flipped her shit. I also knew that not seeing her status updates, not seeing her name in my Facebook feed was the right thing to do, so I wouldn’t be tempted to comment on damn near everything. Being tracked on social media by your job is not my idea of a good time.

This was years ago, and so I’d gotten over it by now, but seeing her name in the comments was a way to rip off the band-aid and scratch off the scar. It’s only a flesh wound.

But starting shit over something that benign was unnecessary and petty. If you tell me you’re going to deactivate your account, what does it fucking matter? It was benign on my end, but not so much on hers… and it wasn’t like we ceased communication after that, anyway. We just switched platforms, for what I ws grateful. All I really wanted to do was block her from chat, but I couldn’t figure out how to do that without blocking her from my friends list. I probably should have looked into that a little more.

But I can’t stress enough how much it hurt that she thought I was doing something to hurt her.

So be careful with that social media crap. As I have learned, people tend to think what you’re saying is all about them, when in reality, it’s all about you and what you need to convey. But perception is reality, and I don’t pay much attention to that rule, because I know myself. I know that I am a lot clearer in writing than I am when I am speaking, because I’m not on the spot.

Writing: You are such a beautiful soul that I can’t imagine life without you.

Speaking: Ummmm, ahh… stammer stammer “you want some chili fries? I have a coupon.”

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