Not Too Busy to Write, Though

A memory from today’s date in 2013:

It’s Bridgeport UCC’s birthday today. Crescendos of blessings all around and at the same time, history is what history is. Today I remembered how I have fallen short of the glory of God by not being as Christ-like as anyone would have wanted, really. I rejoiced in everything that has been given to me at my church. Dana Bamberger Lanagan came to me through church. I said I wanted to become a preacher and at Bridgeport, I was getting up in front of people in no time at all. No degrees except a dad that went to SMU Divinity and I don’t think people let you claim other people’s educations. People came to hear me and I grew. People came to hear me and I have fallen on my knees in that church in complete anguish more than once, the bulwark against the storm. When I stand facing the congregation, nearly everyone I love is in one room. When you say, “and also with you,” I know you mean it. When I say, “may the peace of Christ be with you,” what I’m really saying is “I never in a million years thought that I would feel this loved by a congregation and this is the best I can do without absolutely flooding out and boohooing.” You are the dimmer switch to my crazy and I couldn’t be more in love with you if I tried. P.S. Again, thanks for Dana. That was really sweet of you.

It’s such a blessing receiving these memories every morning, even when they hurt. I am all about feeling my emotions as they come up, instead of stuffing them down and pretending that everything is fine, because it’s not. Sometimes I just want to kick Dana’s ass into next week, and sometimes not having her by my side makes me feel as if there is no air in the room. But we both made our beds in that department, and now we have to lie in them.

Speaking of which, I still haven’t gotten the paperwork for the dissolution of our domestic partnership in Oregon, and I’ve reached out to Kathleen on multiple occasions, and nothing. With Dana, I understand. It’s difficult. With Kathleen, holy shit it’s been 16 years. Let. It. Go. I never should have married Dana in the first place, and not because I didn’t want her day-in, day-out love. It’s just that back then, gay marriages/civil unions/domestic partnerships were decided on a state-by-state basis, and I never thought I’d see national marriage equality in my lifetime. It made sense then. It for damn sure doesn’t now. The legal advice I received (from an actual lawyer as opposed to my friends ragging on me at a coffee shop) in terms of the civil union with Kathleen in Vermont was just to let it go. We didn’t live there, so what did it matter? But again, that was 16 years ago… any advice I would have received then would have been in a completely different context than now.

Speaking of which, DC Pride is this weekend, and I can’t decide if I want to go or not. I have two offers to be *in* the parade, one from my church and one from DC public schools, because my friend Elena is a teacher, and last year Elena, Prianka, and I were the Three Musketeers. I just can’t decide if I feel pride comin’ on this year. Even in Houston, I didn’t go every year, and I think in Portland I went twice, maybe three times, and I lived there for ten years. Is it bad that I sort of feel too old? Like, I’ve already had all my coming out parties, and I live in a very post-gay neighborhood already- completely integrated. It has to do with being dragged kicking and screaming out of my comfort zone… loud crowds bother the shit out of me, and while last year was a blast, I don’t feel proud. I just feel empty. And maybe going is the answer to turning my attitude around, but I don’t know yet. If my dad and my sister were there with me, I wouldn’t bat an eye. If Scales and the colonel are coming, perhaps. Speaking of the colonel, the only time I really lost my snot at the parade last year was when I saw the military float. Full class A’s and flags from every branch, and I just stood in front of them, squalling my eyeballs out and saying, “thank you for your service” and “thank you for your sacrifice.” I’d been holding back a lot of grief for a long time, and that was the image that broke the damn dam.

Yesterday on Twitter, I noticed that the DIA changed their icon to rainbow colors and had a link to a conference in Austin called “LGBT Spies.” I sent a Tweet to @CIA saying that @DefenseIntel had already beat them to pride colors- where was their rainbow? The military and intelligence have really gotten on the GLBT bandwagon, and for that, I am truly grateful. It’s fun to see the world change, even if I am having trouble changing with it. There is no limit to the internalized homophobia I feel having grown up in an age that told me I was mentally ill. I mean, I am, but not because of that. 😛

But, I am going to be downtown this weekend attending a fountain pen show. Perhaps I will buy Eleven’s sonic screwdriver. I already got my dad the best present in the world for Father’s Day. So him it hurts, and I want to spill the beans SO BAD, but I won’t. SO. BAD.

And on that note, I should probably get back to work. It’s busy around here. Did I mention that? 😛


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