The Bold Gold

I usually title my entries with what I’m eating at SBUX, but I’m having the same thing I had yesterday. Gold Coast is the “bold pick.” Yesterday I drank it black, perfect in its own way, but today lots of Splenda and half-n-half. Coffee needs fat… at least sometimes.

In other news, I forgot to e-mail Dan yesterday, but I got a great letter from The Professor, so we have plans in the near future. The last time we talked, she wanted to start an exercise program, and I asked her how she was doing on it, because having a workout buddy is so much better for me than trying to motivate myself. It’d be nice to roll out of bed and shower at the gym. I’d rather join a gym or the Y instead of running outside, because of the whole showering before work thing. Plus, a hot tub. Musn’t forget that.

Maybe one of these days I’ll work in an office with showers in the building. Pri-Diddy had that at the World Bank, and I was really jealous because she could get in her morning run without spending the rest of the day smelling like feet. #careergoals

Although to be honest, I really thought I’d be a mommy-blogger by now, exploiting my children for fun and profit… no pictures, though, just saving up for their therapy. I had to give up that dream when Dana and I divorced, but I am only 39 on September 10th, so I have at least three or four years in order to get my shit together. And if I can’t make it through the trying to conceive process, it would be great to adopt a toddler/kindergartner so that I’m not 90 by the time they graduate from high school.

But my life has taken its own turns, and that’s okay. I am happy the way I am, single and loving life because I have the time to turn trauma into promise. Jesus knows I need it. My “40 days and 40 nights” in the desert have provided me with more wisdom than ignoring my feelings ever would’ve.

I can only hope that I have done a good job of presenting my friends with a portrait that reflects their 3-D nature… that my interactions with them are not bad or good, just human. And it helps so much more to talk about good times than bad. It sustains me, keeps me from being a bitter old biddy, looking forward to love when it’s the right time instead of the wrong one.

I feel like I am ready to move on, with the possibility of dating, because there’s really nothing more to say about the rearview mirror. There’s a reason it’s so small. And in terms of my side mirrors, objects are not as close as they appear. Nothing is chasing me, and nothing is keeping me from being able to let go and trust that the direction of my life is going down the path I am trying to create, rather than waiting for things to happen to me. I saw a memory from a few years ago about becoming a confirmed minister in the UCC/DoC rather than going to seminary- in effect, learning on the job. It’s something to explore, because as much as I try to geek out over technology, I can’t be as excited about it as I am about philosophy, theology, and soteriology. As I have sad before, soteriology is the study of salvation, but I am not a big fan of substitutionary atonement (Isaac in the Old Testament, Jesus in the New). I am way more interested in the way we fall and resurrect ourselves. The versatility of the human spirit is hope springing eternal, that things will always get better if you put shoe leather into it. It’s not that I can’t swallow the idea of substitutionary atonement and miracles, it’s that they don’t matter to me nearly as much as the message Jesus presented and the way he went about it.

So what if Jesus bodily resurrected? So what if he turned water into wine? Whether these are oral histories passed down or absolutely real is missing the point.

They are Stories That are All True…. and some of them actually happened.



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