I Just Can’t Do It

I can’t.

I am sitting here sobbing at my computer listening to the Easter anthem that was my mom’s favorite, but with SATB choir and grand piano, a faster tempo and the left hand bass running eighth notes ringing throughout the church.

I can’t do it. I can’t talk about resurrection today. I can’t listen to a sermon about things coming back to life, within you or without you.

I can’t.

There is always metaphorical resurrection in all things, bridges that can be burnt to a crisp and then someone comes along and offers you a brand new two by four and says, “let’s get to work.”

When Jesus died, the disciples were not only horrified, they had no idea what to do. It’s not like they had a succession plan in place. He died, and they were scrambling. They kept thinking back to all his parables and how they were too dumb to really hear what Jesus was saying…. that you have to walk in the light while you have it. Darkness descended over Israel and you could practically see the light bulb turn on. Ohhhhhhh……

And now I sit here, the dumbest disciple of all, not having walked in the light while I had it, and now it’s gone. This morning my dad made sure I had Peeps and a hollow bunny to fill with Dr Pepper, but there was no trail of Cadbury eggs to my presents. No fluffy and obnoxious Easter grass with candy stuck to it and a few toys. No plastic soccer ball for me, no princess dolls for my sister.

I think it was third grade that it was a goldfish…. the start of a lifelong obsession because now I’ll buy one for eight cents and put it into a tank big enough that it has room to grow and two years later, one of two things happens. The first is that the feeder fish was too small for the people who caught it to realize it would become a Koi. The second is that it was too small for them to realize it would become a Black Moor, or something equally beautiful and exotic. The “ugly duckling” becomes a swan under my eyes.

I am feeling about eight cents tall, and hoping that time will release the beautiful Koi inside me.

Because for better or worse, I am the succession plan. Just, please God. Not today.

I can’t.