Motivation

I mentioned yesterday that my grief presents as lack of motivation in most areas of my life. The one area it doesn’t affect is looking for a job, because especially since I passed my ITIL exam, I have a much better chance of getting an interview than I did before, because I’m still working on my Bachelor’s. In technology, the degree won’t matter much because it’s not in Computer Science (degree plan is BA in Political “Science”), but most companies want to make sure you can make it through college, anyway. It is a long, long, long story as to why I’m not finished yet- one for another day. As a result, I think my resume is getting kicked out of the automatic readers on principle, so that hiring managers aren’t getting to look at my resume at all. Basically the ITIL certification allows me to run a helpdesk rather than just being a part of one, but I’d work my way up if I got my foot in the door. For all the money I spent on it ($1,000), I don’t understand why I’m being kept in the dark. I am a computer badass, and I wish more people knew it.

However, I only put that stuff on my resume. When I introduce myself and people ask me what I do, I tell them I’m a writer. Of course it’s not my career. I think if it was, I wouldn’t have anything to write about. But at the same time, it defines me more aptly than computer badass ever will. Even when I am working full time, writing is a second full-time job because I don’t slow down on the blog, either. I write at lunch or after work, and just hope that people keep listening… but even more important than that, wanting to be a better writer tomorrow than I am today for all the tomorrows of my life.

If I’d had any kind of forethought, I might have used that money to enroll at UMD instead. I could finish quicker at University of Houston, using (ironically enough) the distance education tools I first helped set up from 1999-2000. However, now that I have in-state tuition, I would rather go to class in the flesh if I can swing it. I am positive that Blackboard would work well for me… after all, I am a writer and my thoughts come out clearly that way. But in political science, part of the fun is arguing in person.

There’s also a few classes I could take at community college that were full when I tried to enroll as a freshman/sophomore… or would work better online than others. For instance, I need a literature requirement, and I was dropped from Intro to Poetry when I got sick and missed three classes in summer school. There are few times in my life that I’ve been more angry, because as it was explained to me, it didn’t matter how sick I was. Rules were rules. The day I was dropped, I had an A+ in the class. I think it was because I never had to write poetry, just essays explaining what other poets meant. I, like most teenagers, had notebooks full of angsty, awful poetry… and I don’t think I’ve ever progressed beyond them. But Freshman Comp 1 & 2 were both Mickey Mouse classes for me, so I guess I’ve found my genre. Not every writer can be good at all of them.

I also need a math requirement, and I’ll have to check with UMD, but at University of Houston, you could sub Music Theory and Logic for things like Algebra and Calculus. I never took the SAT/ACT, but if I had, I assure you that my results would have been somewhere along the lines of verbal wizard and maths potted plant. How did I get out of taking placement tests, you ask? I missed three weeks of school, when both of them were being administered, due to migraine headaches that wouldn’t go away and was hospitalized. I had several spinal taps, so for a long time I couldn’t even keep my head up. I just took the entrance exams for community college and skipped standardized testing rites of passage altogether.

In terms of the hours I already have, at UH I’m a second-semester junior. My minor is in psychology, and all of those hours are finished… thank God. One of my friends made me laugh (because it wasn’t really a joke) by saying, “could you change your major? We’re tired of you trying to diagnose us all.” So, I waited until I had enough hours to complete my minor and changed my major to political science after having been bitten by the bug. When you want to get involved with social justice and governmental change, there’s no better place to be… although where Trump is concerned, I’m really glad I took Abnormal Psych and aced it.

At first, I chose psychology as a major because I didn’t want to be a therapist myself… I thought I would end up as a professor or something, because I didn’t want to unleash a crazy person on my poor patients. Lots and LOTS of people go into private practice because they got interested in psych when they were diagnosed with something themselves. I just preferred learning the theories, from William James to Sigmund Freud to Erik Erikson to Jean Piaget. I am interested in the way your core personality is set by the age of six, and further development has more to do with behavior modification rather than changing who you are.

For instance, I am a writer, and I have been since kindergarten. It is literally who I am, and not something I picked up along the way.

I picked up computers in the ’90s, and when I did, boy were they heavy. You haven’t lived until you’ve crushed your feet with a 21-inch CRT monitor, or cracked your head on a desk trying to hide cable.

It has been a blessing to see wi-fi, Bluetooth, and flat screens develop…. not to mention laptops with docking stations.

Being a geek has gotten easier, while writing has stayed the same amount of gut-wrenching difficulty. I carry these words with me all the time, given to me by a friend and they’ve just stuck………… “looking inside yourself isn’t for sissies.”

But to be fair, neither is teaching a little old lady how to e-mail picture attachments.

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