Kiss My Astro

Living on the West Coast, you learn to develop a hatred for the Yankees that passes all understanding. In Portland, it’s Giants or Mariners. Sometimes Dodgers or Padres. But never, ever Yankees. Well, there are New York transplants and I’ll give it to ’em, but they’ll take more crap in a bar than any one person should in a lifetime…. Especially if the Yankees are playing any West Coast team, most likely the Mariners because they’re also in the American League.

I wasn’t a huge baseball fan until I met Susan, who went to divinity school in San Francisco. Once I learned the ins and outs (I see what I did there…), I’d even watch baseball on TV, whereas before I only liked it live while stuffing my face with nachos. I even had a t-shirt in Giants’ colors that said “Alcatraz Baseball…. three strikes and you’re in.”

I’ve only watched the Astros casually over my lifetime…. I’ve always liked Andy Pettite (traitor), Brad Ausmus, and Moises Alou… However, since I’ve been away from Houston for so long, I can name more Dodgers, Orioles, and Southern Maryland Blue Crabs than my hometown team. Hell, I can even name more Red Sox. And even though the Nationals have a horrible Walgreens logo that I will never, ever wear, I do like Bryce Harper’s ever-changing coif. P.S. I hope they rue the day they let Dusty Baker go. The Nationals did fairly well this year.

Because Dana and I were married almost eight years, that’s why I can name famous Dodgers. We agreed when they were both in the National League that we’d root for both teams unless they were playing each other. Dana is a die-hard Dodgers fan, while my allegiance is Giants and Astros, in that order.

I’m proud of the Astros, though, because they went up against a legend of a team and came out on top. Apparently, they are not so legendary this year.

Holy shit, Batman.

I just checked the national league winner and it’s………………… the Dodgers.


I suppose it’s official now. I don’t care who wins. I care way more that the Yankees are out, and in years past, I’ve been an accessory Dodgers fan who sat through so many games and stats on ESPN that the Astros seemed like a memory. I will be marginally happy with a team that represents my hometown, who could use such a mood lifter. Dana will be, well, Dana (loud, obnoxious blonde woman that she is)….. she will go absolutely apeshit if they win. The entire city of Houston will be able to hear her scream, or at least the southwest region. I respect that kind of fanaticism. I can’t get that excited unless a new Linux distribution is coming out.

But in the interest of our almost-decade long rivalry, Dana, your mother is a whore and your father smells of elderberries.



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