Over and Out

I had two relationships end in the time it has taken to write two entries. The first was a friendship I’d had for many years that needed to die a long time ago because the person was emotionally unavailable to me and used quite a few scare tactics to let me know that she was peeved. I am not innocent. I was also terrible to her. But her pain doesn’t matter anymore, and neither does Sam’s….. the other relationship I mentioned. I’d like to write out all my feelings about the relationship, but I know she can read them. So it’s a balance. Do I want to write the story the way it happened, or make her look better than she actually is?

We spent three weeks together that were as magical as they come. I thought I’d found something rare and special. I found nothing but pain. I wasn’t ready to be exclusive yet. She said that was fine. Then, she waited until I was at the other person’s house spending time with them to throw a shit fit and break up with me because even if she doesn’t recognize that she just wanted attention, I do.

And the weird thing is, I would have been perfectly happy to be exclusive. She just said that she thought we’d be moving too fast and she was glad I had someone else because she couldn’t give me what I wanted right now, but she could in the future if I was patient. So I was…. and would have continued to be if she’d said, “could you hold off on that date? I think we should talk some more.” What actually happened was that everything was fine right up until it wasn’t. Sam isn’t on my wavelength, for many reasons…. the biggest reason is that she’s just as smart as me, but she doesn’t synthesize information as quickly as I do, so for every 50 sentences I wrote, she’d just listen adoringly and tell me how wonderful my words were…… and not actually say anything.

I’m sure she has her own reasons, but she was unwilling to open up to me, unwilling to listen, unwilling to change anything about the small little life she’s built in her small little town where nothing changes. Change is hard for her, even when a fantastic relationship is waiting for her. She’s told me that she accepts absolutely a hundred percent of the blame for taking a sledgehammer to the plans we had the week after Christmas, and that’s just a start. She went scorched earth after assuring me for weeks that she was totally cool with everything and we’d be able to spend time together later. She got jealous and words came out of her mouth that cannot be taken back. So, in my opinion, good luck to her. She ruined what would have been pretty great by being scared, even lacking the courage to break up with me in person. She sent me a text message.

If I were to give her any break at all, it would be the text message, ironically. I might overlook it if she just said, “well, you’ve said other heavy things over text and I didn’t see this as any different.” She didn’t. No awareness at all that she was ending my life as I knew it in a way that was so impersonal I didn’t even get to say goodbye. It’s hard when you do everything right and are clear with communication and think three weeks is too soon to know that we’re going to marry each other.

The thing that’s the most harsh is that she went on and on about our unbalanced relationship and how she thought I was moving too fast while berating me for dating multiple people. So, her idea of a relationship was “I’m only available rarely and you need to sit at home and wait for me and be miserable and lonely all the time because you’re definitely my girl, but only at the times and places I deem fit.” Where’s my agency? Where do I get to think and feel?

All of my adrenaline has run out and I’m just sad. I’m in the unenviable position of wanting more of the poison I’ve drunk. It’s time to get it out, but I’m running low on ipecac.

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