The Lord Baltimore Wash and Wax Package

My car finally arrived about 7:00 PM last night, which was just enough time for me to drive it around and get both a power train and a low tire pressure warning. I was paranoid about both, so I was in line at Koons Ford by 7:30 this morning.

$97 later, I’m sitting pretty. I had the oil changed and everything checked out, so all my fluids are topped off and my tires are at full capacity. I paid more than I would have paid at Jiffy Lube, but Riker told me to go someplace better. I don’t think he cares, just…. Better.

After I finished at Ford, I wandered around my neighborhood for a car wash. My dad and I did a little bit of detailing, like putting vinyl protectant into the dash, but I couldn’t avoid spoiling my “girl.” We went for the ultra wash, the Lord Baltimore, which came with free Rain-X and air freshener.

I thought they were going to spray it in the car, but no. Now I am the proud owner of a little tree to hang from my rearview mirror, scented in “Black Ice.” I’m going to save it for next month, because I got a really nice air freshener at the Auto Zone in Bastrop.

I need to check my bank balance before I go, but the last thing I want to get for my Fusion is floor mats. The boys had a lot of vacuuming to do, so I’m pretty sure I want all-weather. Depending on how expensive the rubber mats are, I might get one for the trunk as well. I’d like everything to look tidy and organized. I’ve been religious about taking out the trash every time I get out of it, and this is like a whole new thing for me.

I think, perhaps, I finally have a serious case of “pride of ownership.” It really is a good looking car with very few defects given its life that haven’t been corrected. The mechanics are all solid, but there are a few scratches and a rip in the back seat.

I haven’t decided what to do with the rip in the back seat, because I’m not a fan of seat covers. I think I’ll just leave it as is, because of course I won’t be looking at it all that often.

The woman at the check-out counter (at Ford) had a large basket of lollipops at her station. I said, “which ones are the best out of all these?” She said, “I don’t put those out” and handed me one from inside her desk. Strawberry Kiwi with Tootsie in the middle. The woman has taste.

I also grabbed a banana Tootsie pop because those are the hardest to find. As it gets closer to Halloween, I’ll be buying a lot of them.

This afternoon has been kind of quiet, except that there are guys working behind my wall in the living room. They just knocked a painting down from all the vibrations and I nearly jumped out of my skin, thinking I was being burgled again.

Yes, I really need to move.

After my heart rate returned to normal, I started thinking about how I’d like to get some decorations for my car down the road. A rainbow and bi flags, or instead of stickers, doing rainbow or bi flag colors on the approach lights. I think the bi flag would be less busy, but I’m not overly concerned. I can be the pride parade all by myself.

“Being the pride parade all by myself” is actually an old Margaret Cho joke, but I hope she doesn’t mind since we’re besties (she’s read one article).

It’s funny, sometimes I felt like the “pride parade all by myself” with Aada because she knew a lot about queer culture, but not all of it. She’d occasionally get something wrong to hilarious results, and I will miss that so much. My little cis, straight girl trying to learn all she can as quickly as possible.

But fortunately or unfortunately, Aada has queer people to take my place.

Tara made me cry when she read one of my entries and said, “I’m sorry about Aada.” It was so simple and so sweet that it’s just one of the many times tears have rolled down my face. Some days, this situation feels really simple. We are two people that have love for each other, or did. We both hurt each other more than we meant. We both acted out. We both manipulated each other, with Aada insisting that she never did such a thing.

“Your game is that you don’t play any games.”

That was how I dealt with that, and it resonated. She apologized for her behavior.

She confused me because sometimes she did not take responsibility for anything, and sometimes she made me feel like the most loved person on earth. I don’t know how to reconcile all of that, especially since she walked away saying that I was the only manipulator. If that’s what makes her feel better about ditching working on this relationship, I’m all for it. She can use her anger to separate from me entirely without ever once reaching into my heart and trying to understand.

But I know she’s not always like that. It’s how she runs when she’s really not thinking. When she’s dialed in, her empathy is unmatched. Getting her when she has enough bandwidth to be dialed in is most of the problem, and I contacted her too much to make her feel comfortable. Everything was rushed.

I think that’s why now I’m not bothering to email her- that writing here is the least offensive way to resolve all this if she’s curious, and if she’s not, it’s just my therapy.

You don’t get better on one hour a week, and my writing is responsible for a lot of the reason I move through emotions quickly, waffling between “what I think and what I think.” My best solution for this is distraction, because I cannot go backwards unless Aada consents.

Why do I think we should make up?

One of our longest running jokes is that she works at a car wash. Eight or 10 years ago, I joked with her that my car looked gorgeous. She said, “I accept tips.”

I used PayPal to send her $2.00. A few minutes later, I get an e-mail:

“Dead.”

I have a feeling it’ll be a hundred years before I see her wash and wax package, but it’s ok. It won’t stand up to Lord Baltimore, even though historically the next Big Gulp’s on me.