Aada once got onto me for painting my feelings as fact. Here is how I am feeling, which is not fact at all….
Dear Aada,
I have been over and over this. It is time for me to say goodbye, and I don’t know how. I have never known how, because every time you walked away, I had to comfort myself. I had to find someplace stable to ground myself, never really finding it because I didn’t have enough time. My fear of losing you would become too great, and I would try anything and everything to get you to come back. I thought that I was doing the right thing, and often, I wasn’t. We tried over and over to get healthy, but we couldn’t because there were so many lies between us. That will never be my fault, and I refuse to take responsibility for a mess you made.
I can feel the drift beginning even now as I retake my agency.
I struggle to forgive you telling me that I couldn’t see a therapist because I’m in such hot water now. I went from a Bipolar II diagnosis to Bipolar I with psychotic features, and nothing about my personality changed except I stopped hiding your story from my doctors. What I know for sure is that the struggle will end eventually, and my heart will just be left with a hole where you used to be.
You have fought me too much for me to ever believe that you’d come back, but I’ll repeat a line you used on our mutual friend… That there’s no statute of limitations on guilt, but if you felt any you’d have contacted me long before now.
Have you ever even been to Voodoo Donut?
I thought as much.
You tried to save the world by telling me a lie. No wonder we couldn’t get closer despite both of us wanting that. I’d hit something too close to your lie and you’d explode at me.
As time wore on those swings got bigger and bigger as you tried to convince me that I was the only manipulative person in our relationship, which you could do because you weren’t going to level with me.
That’s the part that destroys me. That you put so much emphasis on truth and not being called a liar… Meanwhile, most of our relationship was fake. You only really talked to me about work, which makes the lies add up exponentially.
I believed in you so much that I thought Michael and Jonna were lying to me.
Michael says that I’m being deprogrammed like a kid in a cult. I’m in Cognitive Behavioral Health because when I was admitted to the hospital, the doctors thought my reality broke.
But you’re right. You don’t owe me anything and you never have. I need to give up the fantasy that you’re going to appear in some grand gesture and apologize so we can actually start working on a healthy relationship. I need to give up the fantasy that we’ll see each other again, and that is heartbreaking.
I promised to love you for this lifetime and every one after that. You didn’t promise me anything.
So no matter how loving and open I am, I do not see this relationship coming back together.
If you felt any guilt, you would have come to me long before now.
God go with her, because I can’t.
Stories That Are All True 