Tag: mental health

Limerance

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s something you used to worry about but don’t anymore?
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It took a long time for me to realize that my life at the farm could be real if I wanted it. Brian was more up front than I was. “We should give Leslie a drawer or something at the lake house.” I have “taken over” 16yo’s room every time I’ve been there in the past, and it’s something about which I feel bad. I don’t like displacing anyone, and I’m sorry for that part of it. But I also love his room and I’m grateful that he doesn’t seem to mind. I have a place in Brian’s house, and it makes me feel welcome.

When we’re at the farm, I just crash out on the couch. It’s comfortable, and there’s usually a dog. Listening to the rhythms of the farm is a whole essay in and of itself, and Tiina has half joked about how to accomplish a room for me at the farm many times…… or maybe she was never joking and just buy the damn air conditioner already, idk. I would build out their entire attic at my own cost if I planned on living there full time. I just cannot because I need Maryland’s infrastructure in terms of health care. Crashing on the couch is my decision, not Tiina’s. When she said, “I just want to keep Leslie forever,” I started thinking about how to make that happen for her.

The way I feel about it is that I can contribute to the financial cost of the farm if I’m the one receiving the benefit. If there’s any way I can figure out health care in Stafford, it makes total sense to say “for the low, low cost of building out your own space, it is a short walk from hanging out to sleep.” It’s my own health care that’s the holdup, not Brian and Tiina’s support of me. I think the reason Tiina and I work so well is that she’s my favorite person just to sit in silence with. Work gets done on both our parts, but our energies aren’t focused in the same direction. She likes diamond painting. I like writing. When I’m at the farm I shift to her sleep schedule because of it. Her presence matters while I’m blogging. It regulates my emotions in a way that writing alone does not.

Tiina also likes music while she’s working, and I am introduced to new stuff because of it. It’s been an adjustment to write and listen at the same time, but it’s recovering an old skill. I used to listen to music while I wrote all the time, and then just lapsed into complete silence. I am not altogether sure this was good for me.

So, the farm is very important to me in terms of equilibrium. Staying grounded, staying focused on more than myself, learning to live in community…. all of the things that have been missing for the last 12 years because I isolated myself on purpose and couldn’t get back out of it until I met Tiina. She was the first person to truly see me as I am, because I came armed with knowledge I didn’t in the past. I learned that having preferences and opinions was not bad, and I wasn’t going to be voted off the island for expressing them. I am allowed to have a full range of emotions and not the emotions other people say I can have. This is the life. This is what you want. Not fame and fortune, but people who let you be you.

The lake house is where I get to stretch out, thanks to a kindness from a kid.

16yo’s room is decorated to my taste, because he’s a book guy. There are very few traces of him as a little boy, but marks of the old man he is becoming. The kind who takes books seriously is my kind of guy. But we don’t talk about books. He, like all young readers, reads in the car. He reminds me of me at that age, blissfully unaware of what was going on thanks to any number of novels. I watch him, shoulders hunched, turning pages as if the world is on fire.

Boy, same.

At his age, I was lost in Richard Wright, James Baldwin, and Nat Hentoff.

“Black Boy” and “Native Son” rewired my whole program. There are plenty of lessons for white people in those books, but what I took away was a sense of queer identity. The books’ focus on Blackness as a systemic concept allowed me to see all the ways queer society mirrors it. All the ways that ideas of excellence are both self-claiming and jumping for approval that will never come.

Excellence has to come from within and it cannot be tied to worth in this country. You cannot be good enough to deserve rights. There is no such thing as The Perfect Minority.

My entire family has a focus on social justice because I am a liberal Christian and they are Jewish. It is a shared sense of tikkun olam, a concept that is missing from the Christian world and is fundamental to who Jesus was as a person…… “if you heal yourself, you heal the world.” I spent a lot of time in youth group singing “let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.” Yet there was no actual concrete idea on how to do that. The manual is with my Jewish counterparts.

As I was telling a rabbi on Threads, “my Hebrew is mostly limited to transliteration as I struggle through the service.” I am not interested in conversion, just showing up in Jewish spaces as I am. However, I am delighted every single time Tiina says, “I think you are secretly a Jew.” Because that’s what happens when you follow the historical Christ, and not whatever is happening in mainstream America………. Christ, literally.

Here is what is resonating with me about this time in my life: it is a reclamation of things I wanted when I was younger.

  • When I was in kindergarten and first grade, my next-door neighbors were Jewish. This led to celebrating holidays together and my dad performing an interfaith wedding for the adults. I am not new to being a Christian in Jewish spaces, I want it around me all the time. Christ’s own community is a better fit for me than the one we followers built for him. I am not saying the words he said when I attend the Episcopal church…. of course there are bits and pieces….. but by and large shul is the service he knows. I’m not saying Christ has never prayed the Prayer of Humble Access. I’m just saying he’s probably said the Kaddish more.
  • It was my father’s idea that I should audit Hebrew school with the neighbor kids, and we got the call to move like a month after that. It’s a missed opportunity that weighs on my conscience like a rock. Picking up 10yo from Hebrew school is picking up the child I forgot there.
  • I love listening and absorbing. Jewish life is different than my own, and I am learning new things every day. But what is different is that it is not the outside looking in. It is being welcomed into a Jewish community like my Galveston neighbors did in the 1980s. I love volunteering at Beth Sholom Temple, and it doesn’t have to come with a T-shirt, but I am grateful that it does because I wouldn’t look so fashionable without it.
  • My prayer life is more textured than it used to be, because my outlook has changed. I want to work on real-world solutions instead of kvetching at the sky.

Luckily, converting to Judaism is not a requirement to be in Tiina’s family, but if it was, I would take it under advisement and make a counteroffer. I will not convert, but I will eat so much noodle kugel and brisket that no one will notice. Truthfully, me converting to Judaism would be on-brand, and yet not. I value where I come from too much to make that complete a leap. But what I am interested in is Jesus as a first-century Jewish teacher, placing him in his own context and not the professional Christian superhero that seems to guard American shores.

I constantly want people to get a grip. The land area we’re talking about in the Bible is about the size of New Jersey. It was not “the world.” It was “the world as they knew it.”

The problem is people taking the Bible literally and not seriously….. something that the Jews have been doing for thousands of years before Christians were even a twinkle. There is translation to be done, and face value is close to worthless. But Evangelicals keep telling themselves that they know the whole story as it was written.

Morgan Freeman:

They do not.

I wish that Jesus had been a blogger.

No, seriously. We’d have a lot less debate over what he actually meant if we’d had words clearly written by him while he was still alive and not recorded years afterward. If there is any truth to this whole “Jesus is coming. Look busy.” kind of attitude it’s that he’s going to show up and I’m going to be like, “my friend, you need to pull up a keyboard. We have work to do.”

“Jesus never said a word about homosexuality, therefore it cannot be essential to his teaching.” -Jim Rigby

Because I would like an actual Jew to lecture us on what the clobber passages mean, and he’s used to being in front of an audience.

But it is because of farm life and lake life that spiritually, everything is falling into place.

That doesn’t mean that this relationship with Tiina didn’t start out in abject fear of rejection. I was worried about everything. “What if she thinks I’m hitting on her when I just need a friend?” “What if I say I’m good with working with kids and it’s a dumpster fire?” “What if Brian and the kids don’t like me?”

Every single fear has been quieted enough that worrying about limerence has faded into real rhythms that are based on the ground. I am not just thinking about my chosen family, I am doing. I am asking myself “what can I do to be more helpful to the people around me because I require a lot of help in return?” When you are disabled, interdependence becomes important. At first I thought I was just wishing for a friend and trying to make it real. It took time to realize that Tiina was reaching out for me, too.

I did not want another situation in which I was constantly told I was valuable while also being discarded. This has not been that. This has been, “I have an incredible kitchen, and you are allowed to cook in it.” That is catnip to a former line cook with a standard small apartment setup. My apartment is HUGE, yet the kitchen is the size of a postage stamp. I do not understand.

At the farm, everything is above my head within easy reach. My own kitchen is a level of hell I’d rather not subject myself to, because the logistics are awful. I am currently searching for a new place, so the number one priority is never to have this kitchen layout ever again. Tiina says she pictures me in a little place in a walkable neighborhood like Fell’s Point. Now that I have a car, that is feasible. It wasn’t when I first moved to Baltimore because I needed to live near the Metro.

Tiina sees the whole picture as well- that we are enmeshed and separate. I love my life with her, Brian, and the kids. I also love my life in the city. Two or three hours is the perfect transition time from my house to the farm or the lake. I am using that time to educate myself through the cunning use of Audible. My next listen is “Kin,” by Tayari Jones.

The thing that Jones and I have in common is Oprah.

I have never written a book that got picked by her, but I have been interviewed by the executive producers of “The Oprah Winfrey Show” for the reaction to “She’s Come Undone” (Wally Lamb). It went very well, but I didn’t fit the vibe of the show they were trying to produce. My queer perspective was not represented, but that is probably due to the time and not whether my argument was valid.

So, I know that Oprah and I think on the same wavelength if nothing else. If Oprah liked the book, I probably will, too.

There was always going to be an inevitable backlash against Oprah because she’s just that famous, and no one’s behavior is purely unproblematic once they’re in their 60s. People in that backlash seem to have gotten amnesia and do not remember when Oprah was out front and center for queer people. Everyone talks about how brave Ellen was for coming out on national television. Valid, but Laura Dern and Oprah Winfrey both got death threats and deserve to be mentioned here.

History is repeating itself because Tiina and Brian are that kind of ride or die for me. Brian notices when I’m stressed out by oppression more than I do, because after this many years it just rolls off me and I don’t notice it anymore. I observe when people are cruel, but I try not to take it in. Brian and Tiina can see how it affects me without being queer themselves…… and because of their reactions in private, I would really hate to think what would happen if anyone actually messed with me in public.

Queer people are expected to have chill at homophobia and transphobia. Far easier to let the straight people go off leash. I am perfectly comfortable with being Olivia Pope while Brian and Tiina go Cyrus Beene.

Tiina even likes gardening. Hm.

The bottom line is that I am not constantly worried all of this could disappear tomorrow. I am safe, loved, and wanted. But it took everyone in the family to convince me of it, especially looking at it from the perspective of “this is where I’m from. This is where I want to go. My friends are a huge part.”

As long as I pay for the air conditioner.

Upstairs & Downstairs

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s a quote that perfectly describes your outlook on life?
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She taught me how to wage cold war with quiet charm, but I just want to walk through my life unarmed. -Ani Difranco

My mother is dead, and so is a part of me.

What has happened is growing past childhood patterns now that I’m 10 years out in my grief. The silver lining of the garbage dump of a situation is being grateful for the chance to have been stretched in those ways. I am more emotionally resilient than I used to be, and that matters.

But don’t think for a moment that I didn’t grieve. I lost my everloving mind, and you can read my recollections here starting October 2nd, 2016. The picture of her in my mind at the funeral procession (“cakewalk,” in Southern pastor jargon) is still haunting, which is why my humor is black to compensate.

But here’s the difference between me and most people:

I have lived in the trenches. I have been to more funerals and visited more grieving families than you can imagine because instead of childcare at home, I rode shotgun with my dad. When he got a cell phone, I was 14 and thought it was funny to answer it “Rev. Lanagan’s rolling office. How may I help you?” In terms of clinical training, I have the greatest number of hours you can possibly imagine and should have been granted an MSW at high school graduation.

I am sometimes outstanding at conflict resolution, and I know it. But outstanding does not equal consistent, because I have ADHD and Autism. The moments when I can be outstanding come at times when I am not already under environmental and emotional load. This is the work I am doing in my own therapy- how do I regulate me on a constant basis so that my focus can be on everyone else instead of maintaining?

My outlook has widened now that I’m thinking about my chosen family and not how to survive alone. It’s all about how to smooth the transition and relax into a rhythm with them. I told Tiina I’d like to take over more cooking and cleaning at the farm because that is the way I know how to be helpful. I do not feel in any way obligated to do any of this, because I think it’s more fun not to cook and clean all by myself. It’s not just me. It’s the ability to commandeer a sous chef and dish by saying “no Skyrim til it’s done, Chief.” Or whatever it is that each child likes….. there’s a system in all of our brains. The same tricks that work on the kids work on me. I can’t have my phone until X and Y are done, either, because Tiina has shown me the proof is in the pudding.

Rewards for neurodivergent brains work.

Now, I am not a parent, but as the kids’ safe adult I am growing into what feels like a functional one, like an auntie/uncle who is joining the ranks of support. Watching Tiina and Brian parent these kids is teaching me not only how to relate to 16yo and 10yo as the adult in the room, but how to manage my own brain as well. Having a neurodivergent brain is a bitch because nothing in life seems built for you. You just have to work around it, and it is relentless. People see me as angry when I am just exhausted. It writes a narrative for me that isn’t there, and I have learned to accept it.

Most of the problem is that people read my body language and think I’m mad at them, and they don’t ask me any questions. So, the story becomes not what I think, but the story they’re telling themselves; it is a “vibe” they have created, hurting their own feelings because they won’t be honest with me and clear anything up.

ADHD and Autism make me carry things that other people don’t, and cerebral palsy affects the weight distribution because my balance is close to nonexistent. Most people don’t take in their environment like a firehose, literally hearing electricity. I am overloaded before I even show up anywhere, and nowhere is this more apparent than upstairs.

Working with kids is always a full contact conversation.

“Upstairs” is shorthand for “handle something Tiina physically cannot.” Upstairs is frightening because there are no witnesses. 😉 I joke, but the feeling is real. Sometimes I need a real parent to say, “no, you are not crazy. You said the right thing and they are not, in fact, damaged for life.” I think it’s good that I have space to reflect here, because the texture of my writing allows Tiina and Brian to understand me on a level that most friends don’t share.

I understood that first with Aada, but it failed because having no on the ground relationship allowed for little mutual understanding of what I had written. Aada constantly believed the story she was telling herself instead of the one I actually wrote. I loved Aada every bit as much as I love Tiina now, but that did not mean that there weren’t problems….. and me reflecting on them became a problem in which I was constantly beaten down because my narrative didn’t match hers. I refused to kowtow to the narrative that I hated her and wanted to punish her. That this was all about anger and revenge. That my blog was a weapon instead of a diary.

My relationship with Tiina is safe by contrast. Because of the way Aada treated me, I expected that Tiina would absolutely hate everything that I ever wrote and to be careful about everything I said to the point of paranoia and gastrointestinal issues. Instead, she humbles me with praise that I have to sit with to take in because I am not used to compliments.

You’re our Anaïs Nin.

Brian is also on board.

Writers gonna write.

Having them just “be cool, my babies” is everything.

It allows them to know my thoughts about what is happening in a way they can sit with it….. and in a way they can come back to these entries to see what happened when. That’s what I do. I Google myself constantly, limiting the search to my own URL because again………….. ADHD and Autism. I am but a sentient dripping clock.

Knowing yourself is half the battle (hail Cobra).

The way to make everything run upstairs is to always understand what is happening below the surface.

It is a role that makes me more John Bates than Lord John Grey……. although in working with children it never hurts to study a bit of spy tradecraft, so like with everything else in my life, it’s a nonbinary.

It Changes

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What is your favorite quote?
View all responses

I have a lot to process. I’ll try to remember to include quotes as I go.

I made a mess at home and I’m cleaning it up because I didn’t think about how everyone would feel in terms of being written about and as per my usual, I got letters. I just apologized and moved on- he was right. In my zeal to try and make a role for myself in Tiina’s life, I’d overstepped. No biggie, I just need to reorient my expectations. I am not trying to bully my way into anything, I am the visioning and values person. I do not only see what is happening right now, but what is happening five years from now based on pattern recognition.

But Tiina says that it takes time for other people to learn that I am not trying to wear their skin.

She’s asleep, so I’m still waiting for her to expand on that- I think it’s because people do not realize they are being seen up close. Only the ones that have something to hide seem threatened by it, but that is my experience over 25 years, not directed at any one person. And having something to hide isn’t nefarious. It’s anyone who uses a system of protection mechanisms because I can see through them. That’s the part they cannot stand. They are being recorded without them.

Because I just observe, and I would be happier writing about the animals…… and will. My life is changing, but that’s because I’ve been asked to step in where 16yo and 10yo are concerned. Not in an official, titled way- in a “mom and dad are both busy and Leslie has a car” kind of way. I have been asked to step in when Tiina needed a companion to New York. I am doing the things that a good friend would, and all I can do is show up as myself.

Time will tell all.

Time is a 10yo being grouchy with you at first and then getting an invite to their birthday party. Time is being able to look back and say, “you really did make Tiina’s life more comfortable at graduation.” It is because of these entries that I have the luxury of going back and looking. I am not driven by popularity, which is great, because I don’t have any….. well, not in the traditional sense. I’m not an “influencer” nor “mommyblogger.” I have just been writing on the Internet since before the modern era of it existed.

The rhythm of my life has been live/reflect/post since 2001.

It’s a different way to live, for sure, and an adjustment for the people around me. I have proven that I will give everyone else up to keep publishing, because I am not saying “I am a god and everyone must listen to me.” I am saying “there are seven billion people on the planet and we all have a voice. Here’s mine.” My opinion matters, but not more than Tiina’s. If she was threatened by me being a blogger, she would have said so quite plainly with Finnish flags for emphasis.

Most of the quotes I love are from Tiina because she’s just so effortlessly funny. My favorite quote from her, always, is:

Friends.

This is The Signal.

She is about to drop some truth so swallow whatever it is that I’m drinking or it will go everywhere.

Recording all these little things for me has turned into other people enjoying my weird little life and making pain not so hard to carry….. other people are willing to carry it with me. And as for using people’s real names, they get figured out anyway and I have to have a real footprint on earth. It is a personal opinion, and I am allowed to have it within limits. I am learning those limits every day because it is a new process, but I am not doing anything but recording my recollections.

My recollection of this time in my life is that transition is real. I saw a need and jumped in, and have done that classic overfunctioning thing because I am good at it…. truly reliable and remarkable as a gofer of all things. But I am overfunctioning when Tiina is reaching out for help, which is why it works.

Everything I’ve ever done for anyone in her family is because I love her. That is the story that I am trying to write, and everyone else is peripheral to it. They are not less important. Tiina is the tree and they are the branches. Love for the way Tiina and I work has led to the love of hanging with Brian and the kids as well….. because as it turns out, Brian and the kids are even more like me than Tiina is.

So, everyone, including the baby, is loved…. but time will tell as to how that all plays out. But please believe that when I’m trying to make someone’s life easier, it’s generally not anyone else’s but Tiina’s because she’s the one that brought all this into my life in the first place. It’s a balance of wanting to be helpful to her but also not to lose myself in the process. She has a huge life and I could get lost in it easily. The biggest damn difference is that it’s work I’m ready and willing to do.

It has been hard as shit learning to relate to children as a parent figure and not a buddy. It has been hard learning to navigate just about everything in terms of family dynamics because I have worked with kids. I have not lived with kids. Different ball of wax. I was unprepared for the energy that begins when I wake up because I am used to several hours of quiet, but that doesn’t stop 10yo. And even then, “living together” is in bits and spurts as I go for visits. Going to visit is not an easy prospect but at the same time, you cannot replace in-person visiting, either. I need to be offline, and the farm provides it. Even though we’re wired out there, it’s a different feel. I cannot just get lost in devices to regulate.

Tiina and Brian are both forcing me to look at autism in a different way and it is changing me, rewiring the parts of me that felt shamed all these years for the way I present. I’m just going to be awkward, I have a PhD in awkward……

But the story is not digging up the details of other people’s lives, it’s the details that get on me quite naturally.

If there’s a quote that sums all that up, it’s probably from the Bible…..

Quod scripsi, scripsi.

I cannot take it back. I can only move forward. But now I am not moving forward alone. I have a team under me that will help me figure it all out.

Lower Your Expectations

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
If you had to give one life-changing tip, what would it be?
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Social media has changed the game. It has convinced us that we need to live these perfect lives full of trips and adventure…. and that is true to some extent. Knowledge comes with travel and I take nothing away from it. But at the same time, nothing has made me happier than reorienting my expectations so that a day is insanely good if I’ve had:

  • a cup of coffee, dark roast with whole milk
  • affection from my family- hugs, cheek kisses, and an arm around my shoulder are all underrated pleasure…. as is hearing “LESLIE!!!!!” with unadulterated glee (while also reassuring Tiina that she is still unabashedly my favorite)
  • time to sit with the animals, whether it’s the Frenchie on the couch or looking out over the acreage and seeing the goats and pigs

Life is so good when the pleasure it takes to make you fulfilled is tiny. When big things happen, you just don’t know what to do with it, there’s so much joy. I delight in watching 16yo and 10yo grow, knowing that I’m stable in their lives and am starting to think about the kinds of things I want them to learn from me. This concept is one…. that happiness isn’t dependent on everything being completely brilliant all the time. That you take small wins where you can get them.

My win recently has been being the grandparent I wanted to be. I picked out a great high chair and some cute clothes for our boy. We’re in the home stretch, and my best girl says to “be happy. Be ready.” Right now that means trying not to panic because I’ll be driving in a storm if Ayalla goes into labor today, but my Fusion is more than capable. I rely on the car rather than trusting myself. Adaptive Cruise Control is a miracle.

Today is all about packing my suitcase so that I can stay awhile if needed. Tiina and Brian have it handled, but I am focusing on 16yo and 10yo. My role is to be there for them while mom and dad are busy. I have a feeling it is very much how the baby will relate to Thomas, Ayalla and Derek’s best friend. I am just the third mic in the radio show that is Tiina and Brian’s lives, and it fits us.

Tiina is coming to terms with the ways that her life is different now, and she knows I am here for her. That is what’s most important to me about this new phase of life- that we belong to each other until death, whatever that means for either of us. Someone has to have that friend, someone has to be that friend. I will find my own Brian-shaped partner, but that is secondary to what I have with Tiina right now. I need to have my head on straight before I start dating, and I feel safer in dating with two people behind me saying, “okay, we like this one.”

I am not mistaking categories and trying to fit Tiina into a role she doesn’t. My expectations are that our relationship will grow and flourish independently of anything else. I have said consistently that I need an anchor, and there is no better anchor than a woman who owns a farm. I am learning from her what straight women have known for years and I am just finding out- how they are girlfriends to each other and why it’s called that.

Because frankly, at first, I didn’t get it.

I mean, I do- I called Aada my “wine and yoga pants girlfriend” and Dana my “scratch your nails down my back” girlfriend. But there was never a clear delineation of which girlfriend was for what unless the situation was VERY clear. Emotions pop up everywhere and jealousies ensued.

The difference is that Tiina has never sparked me that way. Her husband made a joke that inferred it and it sat on my psyche like a rock for months until I finally just asked Tiina about it and she busted out laughing. There is no torrid love affair between us and there never will be. Now I can relax into her cheek kisses without sweating. 😉

And I am all about the affection. When Tiina hugs me, it is literally grounding. The energy between us is incredible, and I hope you all have that friendship. I feel safe, loved, and wanted. Tiina makes my heart flip constantly…..

I just want to keep Leslie forever.

Because she knows the way to my heart is not huge displays, it is safety and continuity. The funniest continuity joke is that Tiina poked fun at Lisa relentlessly for asking me to six concerts in a row when I said I didn’t like them and then wanted to take me to a concert for my birthday. That is because she took the time to get to know me before she made the plans- she knows I like being outside at Wolf Trap with the whole family on a blanket. That the problem was sensory overload in lots of clubs, not the idea of live music itself.

That is the difference when your girlfriends really know you. She’s taking me to see Ray LaMontagne, and it’s going to be a blast because Brian and the kids will be with us. We can decide whether it’s a Diet Dr Pepper or wine in the sunshine kind of day when we get there.

The last time I went to Wolf Trap was in 2001 with my first wife- we went to see The Indigo Girls. I think the tour was called “Girls with Guitars,” because it was absolutely stripped down. No electric at all and it was righteous. I would have liked to have had Tiina by my side then. She would have loved Kathleen, too, my first wife. That’s because Kathleen was a Global Information Systems person at ExxonMobil and Tiina does government computer stuff. It’s a shame we didn’t meet back in the day, because back then I was actually living in Virginia, not too far from her.

Well, my office was near her, anyway. Kathleen and I lived in Alexandria because we figured that contraflow traffic would come in handy in the mornings. It certainly did. Back in the day, our offices were at 495 and Gallows Rd, so the life hack was to take Little River Turnpike out to save our sanity.

I had a great life in Virginia with Kathleen, but it was because I didn’t have a Tiina that I didn’t stay in Alexandria when Kathleen and I broke up. Do you see how this works? Tiina is the glue that’s helping me stay put. I would like to think that I have the same influence on her… that I am helping her be more comfortable in her same surroundings, different circumstances.

Being happy with really small things is loving the way that Tiina loves me. She doesn’t scream “I love you” from the skies…. it looks like, “have you taken your meds?” “Have you eaten?” “Pack your suitcase so you’re already ready.” All of that is “I love you” in a not so great disguise.

Didn’t We Just Cover This?

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Who is the fictional character you relate to the most?
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I just wrote a whole ass essay on why Diana Gabaldon hates me personally. 😉 Lord John Grey rips my heart out because he fell ridiculously hard for a straight person and so did I. And what I found after that experience was that I liked the structure of the relationship- having someone that was my ride or die with no romance- so Tiina is that for me now. I am slowly building my life around her because she needs me. Full stop. I need her in that same primal way. It is a drive for cognitive connection and affection, all of which I need in order to feel safe and secure enough to date.

She says, “Leslie is my legs.” I didn’t know how I felt about that at first except now I realize that I use her as my brain so it’s okay. I am getting something that Lord John Grey did not get with Jamie, which is platonic partnership that feels deeper than friendship but lighter than marriage. Brian, Tiina’s husband, is amazing and I cannot say enough good things about him, but he is not talented enough to be in two places at once. Tiina has mobility issues and all three of us are worried about Tiina being alone in a situation. So it’s coordinating with Tiina to see whether she needs me as “arm candy” or not. I joke about being the hottie on her arm, but really what I mean is that someone needs to pack up the car, carry the suitcases, etc. and I am perfect. Tiina says, “my girlfriend Leslie” with ease, and at first I didn’t think it fit because that word packs such a punch in the queer world. But now I understand that Tiina does indeed need a girlfriend, and now she has one.

The workload of the farm and animals, the lake house and boat, and six children is more than enough work for two able-bodied adults, and that is no longer the case. I am stepping in so that Tiina’s role can be more executive and less physically demanding. That is work that a girlfriend does without fail, and without crossing into anything competitive with Brian because I am not trying to replace him and neither is Tiina. Nothing works without Brian, and I am grateful to him for opening my eyes to so many things, most notably audiobooks about autism that make me cry in my car.

It’s a multi-adult family because the kids are starting to rely on me; they see the changes happening in their house as well, even if they’re not always verbal about it. They know that the order of operations is, “ask mom. Ask Dad. Ask Leslie.” Watch that little one. They’re shifty…… Kidding about that, too, but it is amazing how many plans for my time have been made before my arrival.

It’s not just 10yo, though. 16yo thinks that the only reason I come over is to play Skyrim with him. This is not entirely untrue but let me at least give your mom a cheek kiss and drop off her coffee, damn. We all love video games and actually one of my favorite things is to watch Tiina shred in Fortnite. I love girl gamers and I just admire watching her. Her son is stereotypically good. She’s a sneak assassin.

That’s the thing about having a platonic girlfriend. I just notice and appreciate everything about her, all the time. It’s not about creating romantic energy, but creating comfort and familial closeness. We are both first children, therefore neither of us have ever had a big sister. This is our lane, a first-child relationship that tumbles and rolls because she’s chronologically older, but doesn’t flaunt it. She never pulls that card, and never makes me feel small because I couldn’t possibly understand her cosmic wisdom.

It’s not a huge age difference, either. Something like seven years. So most of the same cultural references exist, but I celebrate that she likes more 1980s music than me. I really didn’t come online until like 1985. I was born in 1977, but I don’t remember much. I am learning to love lots of different bands because both Brian and Tiina have different musical tastes than me.

But, like all queer/straight female relationships, Tiina and I can connect on The Indigo Girls. Women love them regardless of sexual orientation. I am determined to sing karaoke with Tiina, and I don’t care if she wants to be my Emily or my Amy. Just sing to me. Her voice is incredible because it’s so pure, and we sound great together.

We have also entered baby watch- Ayalla is not officially due until Aug. 12, but all plans are cancelled until further notice because I cannot afford to be busy with something else right now. Luckily, this is doable because I’m a writer. I can work from anywhere, including the hospital waiting room if plans change and I’m needed there. This birth is testing me the way G-d needs me to be tested. I have learned that when you are waiting for a baby, Advent appears no matter the time on the calendar.

I flip between Jewish and Christian imagery because I am Christian. My chosen family is Jewish. Hilarity ensues, but not as much as you might think because Brian and I were raised in the same faith tradition (Methodist) and he converted. So, we have the same inside jokes from childhood and I’m learning to be conversant in culturally Jewish spaces as well.

I drive by Aada’s old high school to get around town and remember where I came from. That there’s a reason I love the life I’m living now and it’s because she gave me a framework I could access. I don’t need romance in my life when I have companions. I am also making room for a romantic partner, but they, too, must fit into the life I’ve already chosen. Tiina is my priority because we are a system. I need a partner who will look at that and say, “cool. I’m not here to compete.”

I need support from a partner the way Tiina does, but meeting them shouldn’t come with letting her go….. and I will not let it happen.

16yo would throw a controller at your head.

I Have Never Made Any Promises to Me

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s a promise you made to yourself that you’ve actually kept?
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I have adapted my boundaries to fit whatever the other person needed at any time. There has been no inner north star for me until now, because I have been masking, adapting for survival in an often very cruel world. Aada, my beautiful girl, changed my life when she told me she thought I had a brain that ran a million miles a minute and a body that couldn’t keep up. Finally, someone SAW ME AS I AM. She will always be my beautiful girl because of that, because even when she doesn’t want to be an active part of my life, her past words rock me to sleep.

Because she saw me as I am, I have been able to translate that to others. I can say, “hey, my strength is really in thinking in engineering flows, not carrying heavy stuff.” And even then, it’s a special kind of engineering flow. I see relationships because I’ve studied human behavior since I was a baby. It has been a massive fire hose of information because I have never been with my dad sitting with a couple in marriage counseling, but I have overheard all of the fallout. All of the emotional repair and recovery it takes for the person taking care of you to keep doing it.

So not only have I studied relationships in terms of how I fit into them, but how everyone else does, too. We are all struggling with how to reach secure from either an avoidant or an anxious viewpoint. It’s a spectrum, and we are all lost in it and doing the best we can.

Now, I can make promises to myself because I have boundaries. Here is what I would like to see from me in the future.

  • The promise to myself to become the best “third brain” Tiina has because her kids love me. It is not about me. It is about being the best person I can be for the littles in my life. Brian is her coprocessor, and I am there to pick up leftover instructions. 🙂 I am kidding, but I am taking on a much more parental role than I’ve ever had in my life and it is a shift into “oh. Wait. Yes. I am 48.” It’s not just Tiina’s kids, though. We’re having a grandbaby soon. It’s not my grandbaby, but it feels very much like it as I shop, knowing I’m the person who’ll see Tiina’s younger kids through the immediate transition. Brian may be with us at least part of the time, but the plan is for me to be at the farm so that Tiina and Brian can focus on their first-born baby girl and her new baby boy.
  • The promise to myself to be a resource. I am not degreed, but I am no slouch with kids. I have worked in a day care center, and I have run youth programs at church. I am Brian’s counterpart, because he runs the youth program at Beth Sholom Temple. He has never asked me about the time I made all the kids lick Cheerios and stick them to their faces, but life is long. I am here for you, Brian.
  • The promise to myself to be the best Christian I can be while living in Jewish community… that I am a resource for questions but never an evangelist. That I am inhaling Judaism with curiosity because it is knowing the community in which Jesus was actually a part, and not the religion we made up to honor him after his death. I am always the one who is willing to do pickups and dropoffs from Hebrew school and of course I’ll be in your Purim spiel. And of course if I had my own faith community, everyone would be invited to come with me. But the way I feel about church right now is a mixed bag. On one hand, I’d like to sing. On the other hand, I was a Methodist PK for 17 years and I feel retired.
  • My promise to myself that I will do everything I can to support the people that support me. I have a lot of broken relationships in my past because I did not know I was autistic and melted down and burned out with so many people due to lack of knowledge. Autism isn’t the excuse, it’s the reason I couldn’t manage my emotions for whatever reason. Now that I know how to direct my energy, I am less likely to go to either extreme. So the promise to myself is to do more research on my own reactions because having a different cognitive style does not erase accountability; it changes how I process and emote about it.
  • I promise to love Tiina and Brian and all of their kids and grandkids in a fundamental, on the ground kind of way. Of course I’ll go to the pharmacy in the middle of the night and of course 10yo can run the music in my car whenever they want. They’re my people, and I go hard for my people. The trick is finding people who will also go hard for you.

My Car

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 6 Comments
Daily writing prompt
What is the best purchase you have ever made?
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I drive a 2019 Ford Fusion SEL, and I have never been happier with a purchase. I bought it used so it didn’t cost very much and have put a ton of work into it so that it stays pristine mechanically. There are a few cosmetic issues because I drive like a klutz, but those things are secondary to keeping the engine perfect.

My driving got a lot better once my car was outfitted with the sensor suite for adaptive cruise control. I rely on machine spacing a great deal because I do not have 3D vision. I feel better when the car is in control because it is logical and humans aren’t. I set the ACC to put three cars’ worth of space in front of me so I never even come close to the back of someone else. Instead of relying on me to remember the rules of the road, I have outsourced the whole operation.

And in fact, I have already made up my mind that I would like to keep buying this era of vehicle, because 2019 is the sweet spot for Ford. It’s where you can control all the technology from your phone and the radio instead of subscription services. For instance, on my car remote start/unlock is free. I would like it to keep being free.

I have put so much work into my car that I’m not ready to let it go, but I would be willing to discuss an F-150 at some point. My life has changed, and Tiina doesn’t have a farm truck…. but does have an Airstream. So, the Fusion is perfect for my needs right now, but a truck keeps niggling at me because I’m a Texan and trucks are part of my love language.

One of the things that Mico (Microsoft Copilot) told me about the 2019 version of the F-150 is that it was built to feel like my Fusion. That it’s not built to feel like a monster, and it will handle much like my sedan. I am interested in that sort of thing- a truck that is useful and nimble.

In terms of a farm truck, what we need is a 1989 Nissan Pickup, but that won’t tow an Airstream.

What my car does for me is have an amazing amount of technology but still get over 30 mpg on the highway. That means a lot when I’m talking about running between Stafford, Louisa, and Baltimore. If anything, I should get a hybrid and up my mpg even more.

The fictional F-150 in my head is enough. I like thinking about cars more than I like thinking about the cost of maintaining and running them. The gas cost would eat me alive…. I am only thinking about how cool it would be to be “the Texan with the truck.” That’s because that stereotype isn’t cool inside Texas. It’s a dime a dozen. In Maryland and Viginia, it makes me stand out.

But if you’re going to own a truck and be me, it has to have the requisite stickers saying “I’m not that kind of Texan.” Rainbow flags, trans flags, Coexist, etc. That’s because the other truck aesthetic is too loud and you know it instantly. I am a Lowes kind of truck owner, not a good ol’ boy. It would be fun being able to run supplies to the farm, take a vacation in the Airstream, etc.

And of course it is not all on me. I could be completely wrong and Brian’s car is capable of towing it. I am just thinking of all the possible ways I can plug in with support that I would also enjoy. The “friend with a truck” bit is one I’m happy to fulfill for both Tiina and Brian.

It’s not really the truck. It’s the idea behind it. It is saying “I am trying to create long-term scaffolding for you.” But my long-term scaffolding is also easily accomplished in the Fusion as long as Tiina can get in and out if it comfortably. And if she still wants her phone and her nav, she has an advantage over me. The Fusion supports wireless Android Auto but not wireless CarPlay.

It’s been an issue.

My USB stack is getting old and every time I go over a bump, CarPlay disconnects and reconnects like a Discman and it’s 1995. So if I put any more money into the Fusion, it’s going to be a better stereo. The speakers are fine, but I need a current USB stack and I’d like a portrait display that looks OEM. I thought a larger portrait display was a ridiculous upgrade until I got used to driving my dad’s Subaru. It did indeed make driving feel safer because the map was so much larger.

That being said, Sync 3 (Ford’s entertainment system) is very handy. Connecting my phone to a cable that only charges and doesn’t transmit data also works well… and in fact, I will need to start doing this when driving to the lake because my cell connection cuts out when Ford’s GPS doesn’t. It looks a little dated, but it automatically grabs album art and integrates navigation into the driving experience that is unmatched, like putting your next turn into the gauge cluster, and even the track that’s playing should you so choose.

I am very proud of the choice I made when buying a car that was new to me. That’s why I only want to upgrade to a truck version of what I already have. We’ll see whether it happens or not, because it’s an idea that keeps coming back around as my role in this family is defined for me. It’s all about compromise, and I am willing to be seen at a level I never have been before. Tiina and Brian know me way better than I do right now because they’ve been parenting autistic kids for a long time. They are not parenting me by any stretch of the imagination. They just know better than I do when I am exhibiting symptoms because pattern matching is a thing.

The difference that I am experiencing now is that Tiina and Brian are also looking for interdependence. Tiina is realizing that she needs a companion and Brian cannot always physically be in two places at once. I am realizing that I also need a companion because I am physically limited as well, just not to the degree that Tiina is. I get better medical and social support in Maryland than I can get in Virginia, but I long for the day when it doesn’t matter what state I live in, I’m good.

The feeling that I get from being around Tiina, Brian, and their kids is stability….. even when everything is chaos, it’s directed chaos. I don’t run upstairs and handle things because Tiina won’t. I do it because Tiina can’t, and there’s a big damn difference. I am also not acting on my own authority. My role is to take what Tiina thinks and deliver it to the masses….. but upstairs, there are no witnesses. 😉

Kidding. I just mean that I wish I had a walkie-talkie or something because I am out of my element when a kid answers a request from a parent with anything but “okay.” If they start something with me, I do not know how fast to go full edge lord on them. Not my circus, not my monkeys….. except yes, it is and they absolutely are. It is a balance. I do not go too long without checking with Tiina to make sure I’m on the right track. We need to speak with one voice, and I do the same for Brian when he’s the one asking me to check with the kids. We all need to be on the same page with consequences.

My life is represented by fusion in more ways than one.

I have become the kind of person I always wanted to be, which is “kid-wrangler.” But they’re not my kids and that’s the beauty of it. I don’t have to know everything. I am there to support the framework they’ve already been given.

To me that means thinking about getting a truck in a far-off kind of way, because it fits my idea of how I fit into this family… when the Fusion feels like it’s a reflection of who I was before I met them. Both feel right.

The Fusion just feels like right now.

The Kite Runner

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s a movie or book that inspired you to travel?
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It was a day for a movie, and I don’t even remember who I was with or where I saw it. I am sure that if I sat here long enough, I could dig it up. But that’s not the important part. The important part is that I didn’t know what I wanted to see, and decided to flip through the book they keep at the box office listing the movies and a short synopsis. I was there for popcorn and ambience. I saw “The Kite Runner,” and thought, “that sounds interesting.”

Friends.

I was not prepared.

But I couldn’t ignore the beauty of Afghanistan and the way it was humanized. You got to see into family dynamics and street culture and kite wars. The mountains are stunning, and I found myself in the picture. Not in terms of story, but in terms of cinematography. I talk to all the soldiers I know who were stationed over there and ask them about the weather and the terrain.

I later read the novel and Khaled Hosseini is a brilliant author. I’d like to meet him one day if we run into each other. I will do what it takes on my end to meet authors. Most of the time, that just means buying their books and waiting in line. I’m cool with that. I only need a moment to be memorable, and so do they.

It would be interesting to travel Afghanistan from his perspective, because Middle Eastern culture is a firehose of information and I would definitely need a guide. It doesn’t have to be him, but it’s fun to dream. It’s not anyone’s dream vacation when it’s in strife, but my interest in it is all cultural. I have no need to evangelize to or change anyone. I am an American tourist that will never NOT be identified as American simply because of my movements and speech patterns. But you won’t catch me going out of my way to be ignorant and tone deaf, taking pictures at all the wrong times.

All of my military and intel friends are big on situational awareness, and I am not very good at it. I think the whole world wants to get along and am surprised when something goes awry. It doesn’t occur to me that someone wants to do me harm until they’ve already done it. Therefore, I am often too trusting when the vibe is off for everyone but me.

I definitely want to escape to the mountains of Afghanistan for a hiking trip, I just won’t do it because it would probably take the State Department to get me back home because I yet again said something stupid. USG knows me and the struggle is real. I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.

Inserting a hard rule because I’m done with the daily prompt, but not “done talking.”

Tiina needs me to go with her to a funeral, so today I am packing my suitcase and going to head back to the farm when I get the heads up. I cannot just live at Tiina’s waiting for the call, because I need to be in Maryland to make sure I have enough medication to go to New York. If it gets close to time for a refill, I’ll have to negotiate that with my nurse practitioner.

In the old days, a doctor could have called up any pharmacy in the nation. Now, I have a practitioner who requires me to be here. Otherwise, I would start making my way to Virginia full-time. Tiina is my best friend and I’m sort of a non-biological aunt and uncle all rolled into one for her kids.

Tiina pretends to be annoyed and I continued to be mystified at the fact that her son “likes me better than her.” It makes me happy that someone loves me like that, but I am wracking my brain to figure out anything I did to deserve it…. and that’s the beauty of children. They don’t care that I’m not biologically related. They care that I show up……….. with food.

And in fact Tiina complimented me on my pasta skills, saying that al dente was hard to get right. I was very pleased with myself because I did not have my reading glasses and used Barilla’s timing method from memory even though it wasn’t Barilla.

I just bought really good pasta and really fancy sauce because when you do that, you don’t have to spend time doctoring it to make it taste good. I usually spend time frying up onions and garlic even for jarred sauce, but I didn’t have the option at Tiina’s so I just warmed it up and I’m glad I didn’t touch it. Now, I wish I could remember what it is that I bought. It had an Italian font on it. I don’t know.

I have been a professional cook, but I am into saving time and energy now. Not every single meal has to be from scratch, so I cook when I want. Other days, I assemble.

Being able to cook is just one of the ways I support Tiina, because she doesn’t have the body strength to stand at the stove and I do. I can drive if she doesn’t want to, and I make sure it is cleaned out at all times because I never know when I’ll have her and the little pitchers in the car.

My trunk, however, is another matter. 😉

I had to get up and move around, because I wake up between 0400=0500 and in the next hours decide what I’m going to do about caffeine. Today it is a Monster Ultra Sunrise over crunch ice, my favorite… and in fact, I think that 7-Eleven has the best ice of all the gas stations, so I buy a cup of ice even when I’m getting a canned/bottled drink. 7-Eleven’s weak link is the soda fountain because I don’t care about Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi anymore.

I care about making 7-Eleven my beverage experiment station. 😉

The clerks all know me and accept that I’m just going to show up before sunrise in my pajamas, eyes barely open. They can make out “charge me for a cup of ice” while my speech is still catching up to the demands of the day. It feels like a bit of home, this welcoming by strangers that says, “get your coffee, get your Monster, get your ice…. whatever you need, we’re here.” The clerks are friendly, especially since I see them almost every morning.

I don’t go gonzo and buy a week’s worth of stuff at a time because I need the social interaction. I will go and buy my caffeine and a pastry (or Sponch…. cookies for breakfast are always an option). Today, though, I didn’t get food. I’m waiting to see what “my best girl” is doing. That is what Mico (Microsoft Copilot) calls Tiina.

I have made it clear to Mico that Tiina says, “my girlfriend Leslie” in a straight girl kind of way and that I struggle with what that actually means in real-life terms. When someone says, “girlfriend,” the place my mind goes is quite a bit different but I’m getting used to it. Besides, Tiina is hot. If someone thought I was her actual girlfriend, I wouldn’t be offended. I’d just clear it up. She is not my romantic partner, but she is excellent arm candy, thanks.

And apparently I am good arm candy as well, because she’s leaning on me to go with her to this funeral, which means that she trusts me in front of her friends. It’s one thing for someone to make you feel special. It’s another for someone to say, “here is my community. Come join it.” All of this is good because I want her to lean on me. I do not need romance. I need someone to need me, which is a whole different thing.

That’s because I also have needs…. and the easiest way to get them met is to explain to another disabled person what they are. Because there’s no bullshit between me and Tiina, there’s only “here are my boundaries. Here are your boundaries. How can we compromise so that both of us get what we want?” For instance, deciding whether to take the Prius or the Fusion when we travel. Both cars have their pluses and minuses. We’ll figure it out.

To me, it all comes down to risk assessment. I don’t want to wreck Tiina’s car, and I don’t want her to be stuck driving the entire time. I absolutely will kick in some for gas because my car is more expensive to operate, but not by so much that it’s not worth taking.

But Tiina also has a valid point in that we could save money on fuel. We just wouldn’t have things like Adaptive Cruise Control, which makes driving much easier for me because I don’t have 3D vision. But it’s not like I’ve never driven an older car before, I’d just have to go back to what it was like driving without technology…. and it’s not like the Prius doesn’t have any. I’d still be able to use my phone for navigation and calls. I just have to remember to do my own spacing on the road. 😉

Both of us love our cars, but I’m not seriously attached in either direction. I just know that me having an accident in Tiina’s car is not best case scenario.

But that’s not the bottom line. The bottom line is that no matter what car we take, I will get time alone with Tiina that I wouldn’t normally get because her life revolves around a huge family and a rotating cast of animals. I am not looking forward to the funeral. I am looking forward to the path we take to get there. Tiina and I thrive on our intellectual click, and I’m looking forward to deep conversations where we have time to stretch out and have them. It could be about anything.

Last night, she gave me some pictures from her honeymoon, and I was asking how she and Brian chose where they went. Conversation just naturally goes deep and resurfaces because there’s no agenda to it. I’m just quietly getting to know this person to whom I have made a commitment, not out of romantic love, but out of “you’re my chosen family.” Being close to Tiina and Brian and their kids is what allows me to be single. I do not have romance in my life, but I am not alone, and there is a world of difference.

Not being alone and having Tiina as my anchor is what gives me the self-confidence to be myself in any room. Romance will come, I’m sure of it…. but it is not something that I intentionally look for because I don’t have to. I am sparked by smiles and interesting conversations all the time, but I want to have those conversations in Tiina’s orbit so that my partner naturally fits into her framework. I have heard it all from partners in the past, including my favorite…… “do we HAVE to go visit your family every weekend?” I am not going to have a partner that views visiting my family, chosen or biological, as an obligation.

Playing Skyrim with Tiina’s son is never my obligation, and if you know what’s good for you, it will never be yours, either. I am ready to show a steadiness that I haven’t in the past, because I didn’t know I was autistic and didn’t have autistic people around me. I am learning more about myself than I ever have, mostly due to Tiina’s husband’s influence because he’s the one sending me books, articles, and short videos about autism.

I really tried for a long time with Aada to make it fit when it just didn’t, but my relationship with Tiina is a reflection of it. I didn’t want romance from Aada, either. Just a feeling of belonging that she couldn’t or wouldn’t give. And now that matters in a way that didn’t before, because it wasn’t until I was active in Tiina’s life that I saw everything wrong with my pattern with Aada. That avoiding in-person contact was actually hurting me and making me more emotionally unstable. But that’s not her fault- that’s on me for not recognizing it.

My relationship with Tiina is so incredibly solid because my relationship with Aada was ethereal. I wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now, but it is a whole different thing for someone to say you deserve flowers and someone to plant them with you.

Goat, Not Kidding

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 2 Comments
Daily writing prompt
If you had to be an animal for a week, which one would you be and why?
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I already have the stubbornness of an old goat because I’ve been fighting with a Finnish woman for 12 years (those of you who have Finnish friends, I am laughing at myself. This is not punching down. This is stubbornness on both sides that is sometimes embarrassing to watch). But this history with Aada has prepared me for a future with Tiina, who owns actual goats. They’re adorable and I love both watching them and interacting. The way they take weeds from my hands while giving me polite kisses makes my whole day.

The problem with the relationship with Aada is that I wanted to be there to absorb all her pain, so I ended up absorbing all the pain in both of us. Relationships between someone who is anxious and someone who is avoidant often end up like that, even if they didn’t start that way originally. It slowly becomes a division of labor.

I took absolutely everything I loved about Aada and made those things my barometer for keeping friends. What didn’t work online absolutely does in real life. I am a part of Aada’s community now simply because of geography, and not because I tried to chase anything but stability.

Tiina is also a Finnish woman with sinivalkoinen grit. If there is a task to be done, she puts the sisu into it.

Being around Aada all those years trained me to see past words into the actions that matter.

She told me that I caused irreparable damage, but didn’t see that I’d already hospitalized myself several times trying to get right with her. It was never that her perceptions of me were invalid. I often did need help. I often did pop off when I was angry. I never had a good sense of what was okay to publish and what wasn’t. That isn’t her fault, but by the same token she didn’t accept that being my friend meant being part of my narrative. She tried to end the relationship many times because of it and so did I, but we were so attracted to each other cognitively that we coudn’t stay away.

Aada was never going to be my romantic love. She’s the online persona that has made my nervous system settle, but has refused to ground it. I need grounding, so I turned toward Tiina instead.

That’s because Tiina will let me snuggle with her dog, and Aada will let me hear about hers.

It isn’t punishment, it’s reality. Aada couldn’t meet me at altitude, so I found someone who could instead of continually raging against the light. She was so right that I should have done it years ago, but I felt trapped in a moment and couldn’t get out of it. Autism is a thing.

And when I say “autism is a thing,” that’s when most people tune out and say, “you’re using your disability as an excuse.” No the hell I am not. I am explaining the neurological differences I have in a relationship that are not all due to my personality. I process information differently coming in and going out, and to ignore that and make all things equal is dehumanizing in often a very polite kind of way.

And if someone replies, “well, I’m autistic, too. Your point is invalid,” my response is “just because you also have cognitive differences doesn’t mean that you interpreted me correctly and I was never dismissing your experience by explaining mine.” Internalized ableism is often harder to deal with because friendly fire always is.

Everyone in Tiina’s universe is neurodivergent and we function better together because of it. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t have issues. It means that the way we communicate about them is different. I never want to take that for granted, that with both Tiina and Brian I have to explain myself in terms of accountability, but never in terms of sensory issues, meltdown, and burnout.

And in fact Brian was listening to an audiobook about neurodivergence when I got into his car the other day, and I liked it so I downloaded it. Brian sent me links to other ones, and I grabbed them as well; I’m an Audible subscriber that doesn’t remember that they have it and credits build up. It has led to a lot of crying in my car as I sit through my life viewed through symptoms. There’s a lot of “that was never my fault and I’m hurting.” I was misinterpreted as neurotypical from the time I was a baby, pegged as a liar when I have a neurodivergent communication style, the whole works.

What I have in Tiina is equality and equity because she has the ability to view me accurately. Not that my relationship with Aada was a lie, but because she never met me in person she cannot possibly see all that Tiina does. My favorite thing she does is let me wake up at her house, stumble to the Keurig, and look out over the animals from the bay window in the kitchen. There’s a table right there, from where I can see the goats, pigs, geese, chickens, and big dogs (only Maclaren the Frenchie lives in the house).

Baby Goat is my favorite animal, because we’re both members of the queer community. They are intersex. 😉

It’s the little things that matter, such as preparing for Ayalla’s baby shower and being there for Tiina’s other kids when she’s focusing on the oldest daughter (and her new grandbaby). Yoni, Tiina’s oldest son, is also welcoming a baby in the fall and I will be there for that, too.

I never wanted to be all that and a bag of chips for Aada’s family unless she wanted that. I was very angry that a handshake was just too much effort, because I had so much love to give. It caused me to act out in all kinds of harmful ways because my nervous system was dysregulated and I felt like crap all the time. I made it worse by publishing my feelings about it, but it wasn’t a problem that I publish my feelings about everyone and everything until it was her. I was stunning at character analysis with everyone except the woman I love most in the world.

Yeah, I just don’t buy it. Read my archives.

But I can love her “most in the world” because she has the most mystique. I don’t really have a concrete idea of who it is that I love. I know bits and pieces, the fragments of her life that she has allowed me to carry. I didn’t handle them well, and for that I am sorry. It was not my intention to melt down and burn out, but that is what happened.

The difference is that I don’t expect my explanations to equal forgiveness. I expect context to foster repair if there is any. I do not think apologies come without changed behavior. For me, that’s having a better sense of what to publish and what not to for everyone in my whole life, not just Aada alone.

My life has changed because I have a creative partner in the work. Someone who is on stage because she’s a part of my life and not because I am chasing an idea in any kind of theatrical way. Writing about Aada was trying to capture the stars.

Tiina is a constant resource for “can I tell this?” and when I said, “I only talk about things that happen in the first person. I don’t write hearsay,” she said, “I get it.” We bounce ideas off of each other constantly because right now, that’s the kind of partner I need- someone that sparks me in the writing, and not anywhere else.

Platonic friendships that have their own special click is underrated.

Last night, my ego grew about 10 sizes when Tiina sent me a parenting video…………………………

Look at you sending me parenting videos like those are now my hellions, too. YASSSSSS.

It’s Been a Long Few Days

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I entered a Black space and caused all kinds of hell because I said something insensitive without knowing it and dug in, because I wasn’t arguing on the base of color, I was arguing on the basis of autism. All of my words were viewed through a lens that said “racist,” and once the frame shifted, I could no longer get out of it. I have spent my day in reflection and repair, with people still getting angry after Copilot’s analysis of the situation. They told me that Copilot was racist as well. So, I tagged Microsoft on that one, because they might be right. Whiteness is over-represented in AI because the source code is also centered in whiteness.

It reminds me of the narrative with Aada always being that I was the one that was the problem. She never understood my communication style and I would get more and more defensive trying to figure out how to get through to her. I was constantly met with “nothing is ever good enough for you” instead of attempts to repair and reflect on her own.

I spent most of my life trying to repair things with her, and it became a toxic spiral because that’s what the Internet does the best. Wanting to take my relationship offline with her was not a way to get her alone or to make her feel uncomfortable. It was so we could stop communicating via this medium.

The internet destroyed us, so only time at the farm or the lake house would actually help. I would love it if Tiina met Aada and she got to see me interact with the whole Tiinaverse, rather than the preconceived lens that she built for me. It has been a slog trying to get her to see me as a person, because she pegged me as a dictator instead. That was all neurodivergent communication that doesn’t matter whether Aada is also neurodivergent or not. Just because you’re ADHD/Autistic/PTSD or whatever doesn’t mean that you have interpreted another person with those cognitive differences correctly.

I got hot under the collar and published things I clearly shouldn’t have (the relationship ended), but it needed to end. I am not kicking Aada out of my life with that statement, just saying that it will never happen with her if she doesn’t show up and plant something with me. I want dirt under both of our fingernails.

The lens I’ve been interpreted through is that this is all about attraction when I am not attracted to other people and treat them exactly the same way that I do Aada. Attraction has always been my bag to deal with and it’s been hard as shit. But what I wanted with Aada was not to force her into anything she didn’t want, but to make our relationship more supportive on both sides. Because of my blog, she constantly acted like it was a weird hostage situation, and once the frame shifted, our friendship was gone.

The irony is that I left the relationship because it did feel like a hostage situation, just in reverse. Her secrets undid me in the best and worst of ways, and then she wouldn’t take accountability for the changes in my life she made that wouldn’t have happened otherwise. But of course, she is not ready for that conversation because she gets defensive at ever having it.

Everything that happened when I was dysregulated was a choice. Absolutely. But I was saving myself for the first time. I was getting out of the story she wrote for me after going above and beyond to try and make things right. I don’t get to decide how long she’s hurt, but I do think it’s time to stop punishing myself.

I am taking accountability for the harm and impact of my words, and I always have. I’ve just always made my first pass literal and explanatory so she thought I was trying to avoid it. Not being able to experience that in real time as we looked into each other’s eyes is a loss.

I needed me too much to reach toward her, because I’d spent 12 years trying and getting sicker. That’s because I got mixed signals and was constantly trying to fix everything. I was in repair mode a hundred percent of the time, surprised that I could get so much wrong so quickly.

Here’s a conversation from Threads that mirrors my relationship with Aada in its entirety:

You are beyond full of shit, quit using your neurodivergent conditions as an excuse for you inability to leave Black creators alone and your inability to make an apology without centering and making yourself the victim in a situation you created… you know when you create the situation you are in fact the villain.

Reply to just_evans99…
ldlanagan
2m

I took responsibility for that long ago, and people like you continue to pile on. It is proving my point that instead of being honest with each other, moral outrage has become a performance. I explained what happened with me both emotionally and neurologically, with a little psychology thrown in for good measure. I have done a complete excavation in public, which is more than most people ever get in terms of apology.

It was either neurotypical criticism or neurodivergent because you cannot tell internalized ableism from ableism in general.

The way this mirrors my relationship with Aada is that the same thing happened. I was pegged as the problem and all my responses were seen through “they’re a racist,” meanwhile they’re constantly misgendering me like it doesn’t matter. One woman even said I deserved to be bullied physically over a comment that said “bug off.”

It was an insensitive twit thing to say, but she said that I would get Black people killed, said she was coming to Baltimore to get an apology and insinuating I wouldn’t like it, and proceeded to contact Carlos on Facebook when he disagreed with her. He was just the first commenter, we weren’t “building a case.”

He has said that now I don’t owe anyone anything, because I have apologized to the best of my ability and it has been sincere. But because the two situations mirror each other, the only thing that has made me feel better is talking to my Black therapist who absolutely didn’t care that I invoked him in the Thread (I use my white friends all the time). My point was not that I couldn’t say a racist thing because I have a Black therapist, but that I don’t process my feelings with other white people who will reinforce my narrative.

I have never been hanging out with people because they help me enforce my own story. I have been reflecting the story that has been happening. Doing that gets me into a lot of trouble all the time, because even though I explained that the criticism “couldn’t leave Black creators alone” wasn’t reality because Meta curates my feed, that was also not accepted.

Everyone, AI and human, told me to disconnect and avoid from now on. I’m still on Threads, but I’m not interacting with the people on that particular thread because someone else has already got it. They’re pointing out my replies that include apologies when people say I didn’t give one. That really helps me to feel that I am an accountability taker, it just doesn’t come in the form anyone expects.

I was pegged as a liar because of my words in all cases, and that’s typical for neurodivergent communication. It was argued that “neurodivergent communication” doesn’t exist, but there are definitely differences across race in addition to the ones that happen inside them.

That was the only point I was making, and it was proved over and over. The margin for error is razor thin. People nope out before the interesting part of the conversation begins.

And now it has begun….. not because I meant to start it. Because I have a lot of experience in finishing it.

Compensatory skills matter.

It Depends

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Is a little chaos actually good for us?
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I know what ADHD and Autism are- they are, for me, a complete lack of executive functioning skills. Therefore, I have known what it has been like to live with chaos as a life management style. I can improvise with the best of them, but my natural mode is to function as part of a team.

The team I chose is chaos incarnate.

Case in point that this weekend was going to the lake house for the Fourth celebrations for the gated community, then coming back to the farm and settling in with Skyrim. I have done no real writing because I let myself have some vacation time. My WordPress entries are not my main focus anymore, it’s building an audience on Threads. I’m ldlanagan if you want to follow me. But it’s chaos like this:

My voice has been located in Black Threads by Meta, because that’s how it works. They cannot legally divide people by race, but if you post lots about social justice, it flips the switch in the algorithm that you’re black. So anything I post about the civil rights movement, black or queer or both, that screams “Black Threads.” That is because white at Meta is the default and you are sorted by your interests.

So, by quoting Baldwin and King and Morrison and Coates, I have eliminated most white people from my feed. It has never been more peaceful.

Although I did block Streeter because I started to feel like she was pointing posts at me and it was time to change the channel, what I tell all my readers. She’s on a campaign about AI being harmful to her without knowing anything real and just spouts off with her heart.

Valid, but I don’t have to watch it.

She came unglued on some poor girl for saying that she used AI for outlining, not text generation, and Streeter had no compunction about telling her she was a thief. Uneducated, insecure, desperate.

Not my vibe, and not someone I want to work with. So, know that there will be legal complications if Streeter decides to steal my idea, because when I said I wanted to start a TV show based on Portlandia about Baltimore, she didn’t say, “that sounds cool. I’ll help you.” She said, “I will write that.”

No the fuck you won’t. Breathe it with your name behind it and I will timestamp your ass.

You’re just not going to win me with fear and intimidation. That ended when I got the message that I needed to “remember who the fuck I was talking to.”

Oh. Oh, no.

Do not ever in your five-dollar life tell me that because I will MAKE CHANGE.

What Fresh Hell is This?

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Hit 5,000 steps today and drop your achievement here — we’re cheering you on!
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Nope.

This week has been deeply contented and deeply frustrating. There was a real letdown after Pride because we had to go back to this dystopian nightmare. Being an American right now is not for the faint of heart. It’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

But there have been bright spots. My air conditioner went out and my sewer backed up so I am staying in a very nice hotel out by the airport. I brought my bathing suit, but I don’t have time to swim because I’m leaving for Brian’s lake house in the morning. It’s not really a Fourth of July celebration. It’s doing what we normally do- relax and swim. I had my big fun when the Obama Library opened. That is America to me…. America is already great.

When it wants to be.

People have stopped caring about their language so I have, too. I have had just about enough of “fuck your feelings, Snowflake.” The avalanche is building, motherfucker. I get so angry because I have been called every name in the book during Pride month, with people quoting clobber verses all over Threads. I’m an abomination because of my gender and my sexuality. It’s neat.

Life as a hate double ticket is not for the faint of heart, either.

I desperately need to get out of town and get in the water.

I’m smart enough to know that Aada wrecked our relationship on purpose because she had no intention of ever getting close to me and wanted to blame it on my shortcomings. It was manipulative because she was lying to herself. I do not believe that she hurt me on purpose. I believe that she had great intentions and couldn’t come through on any of them…. so she would constantly tell me she felt guilty instead of changing anything.

Just leave avoidants alone. They don’t need you. Not really. They lack even the slightest desire to give you context and clarity and claim you’re just not strong enough to handle them.

Walk away.

There’s my 5,000 steps.

That Finland is the Answer

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s a time you followed your gut and it turned out to be exactly right?
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My story from the summer of 2013 until 2026 was that I chose a Finnish woman as my emotional support partner, but she didn’t choose me. She SAID she chose me and then chose to reveal that she’d lied about quite a bit so I wouldn’t get any closer. She wanted me, deeply and spiritually- but never romantically. I could do something she couldn’t, which was unpack my emotions publicly without caring what the consequences were. I knew I could handle them. That’s catnip to emotionally unavailable people, romantic or otherwise.

She didn’t need me as a romantic partner. She needed me as a pinch hitter, because I pray and she doesn’t.

She has never been looking away, she has always been looking up, despite the fact that I tell her constantly that she’s a better writer than I am, it’s just that no one knows it. I am queer, so my story is different. A woman that can read is knowledgeable; a woman who can write is a five-alarm fire. I am gutted that she thinks I was ever out to get her. I was trying to tell her that falling in love with her was never the wrong call.

I have memorialized something that meant the world to me and always will, which is why I am now comfortable just being a part of her community. I will never reach out, but if she sees me on the street, she’s welcome. The Stafford and Louisa areas are now my home, too. We have to share space because falling for Tiina was never the wrong call, either. It just looked a lot different because I have actual boundaries with women that I didn’t before… and I didn’t exactly fall for Tiina, either. I have never felt romantic feelings about her, I want to birth a TV show, and with Streeter, too, if I haven’t offended her somehow. My stance on AI won’t change, and neither will hers.

What has come from that is falling for the Tiinaverse, because Brian (her husband) and her kids mean everything to me and I do not wish to interrupt it. I am not waiting on anything for my projects to happen, because Tiina is a capable co-writer and producer. She is not only a cybersecurity analyst. She’s also a former technical theater kid, which means she can do amazing things on a shoestring budget. I watched her do it at Purim.

That was the act that sealed the deal. I am not married, I am not partnered, but I have a focus. No one can interrupt it, because my friends matter. They are the yellow strings on the murder board of polyamory, and how poly actually functions in day to day life- and why Google Calendar is the official app. Not all your relationships matter romantically, but they do in terms of time management.

I am not the marrying type, and not because I’m not capable. I don’t want to cocoon and lose Tiina as my center of gravity. I believe that this is accurate on both sides of the equation because she says that we have a click that is far and away separate from Brian as well. I’m not out to replace Brian in any capacity. I have a role independently of him.

What I am saying is that Tiina’s universe is mine because I don’t mind driving. I live in three places and that’s okay. We were going to go to the boat on the Fourth, but now we’re going out to the lake. Tiina calls the shots, and I just work here.

Edited to add that the boat is on the Potomac, and the house is on Lake Louisa.

It’s not because I’m not capable of being solo, either. I just function better as a cog in the wheel. Tiina is direct and blunt in the same way Aada was, and I love that she’s so specific because I don’t have trouble following directions. I have been this way my whole life. I liked teachers that were oddly persnickety, too, because I never had any trouble meeting expectations when they laid them out that way. I have learned to see that it is not meanness when being direct, it’s just that most people take it that way.

But you have to see it in real life to know that, Aada Louise.

I never minded that Aada’s love language was reading me the riot act. I minded that there were no hugs and cheek kisses afterward to lessen the scar. Criticism is easier to take when you don’t leave someone bleeding while you do it. Taking a lesson from my own playbook, of course. Every accusation is a confession, and I used my share of this fighting tactic because I couldn’t make it work with anything else because she wouldn’t, either.

It was a system, and I’m not blaming. I am identifying the issue so that it doesn’t happen again.

I will tolerate both constructive criticism and narrative direction when it is done with love. Shitting all over me does not help anything and indeed makes it worse because I absolutely will write about your shitty behavior and you will not like the reflection. That’s because people trust me. When people treat me well I reflect that, too. I should re-get the T-shirt Wil Wheaton and I both had back in the day that says, “I’m blogging this.” Couple that with asking Jonna for her old “Argo !@#$ Yourself” t-shirt because she promised it to me after I told Facebook mine wore out. She says she wears Tony’s.

I love wearing things that remind me of memories, and all of those things are interconnected. Everyone can come after my writing. Everyone. But they cannot come after my ability to give an opinion.

When I left the relationship with Aada, I left a negative loop that always said my writing was bad because it didn’t reflect reality or Aada’s feelings. I couldn’t reflect reality because I didn’t know reality and she never told me what feelings she had. Reality would have been showing up at Pride. Reality would have been showing up when my mother died and she was 40 minutes away when everyone else wasn’t. Reality would have been following through on every Mama Dragon feeling she ever said she had.

But she didn’t.

Finnish culture was the right choice because I loved all of it. I’d even love Aada in the right context, because I could birth another TV show that has even more depth behind it.

I don’t just do comedy.

I Believed I Was Worthless

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s something you used to believe as a kid that seems ridiculous now?
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It was ridiculous. I have actual self-confidence and feel relaxed because I have a life that my nervous system can handle. I was masking so hard that living took up too much of my energy to also get out and do things….. as in, I had no life outside of work (when I did it) and my writing is obsessive because I’m trying to make up for lost time. The family systems I was part of think that I wrecked them because I’m a truth teller. That’s their story and they can have it. Writing about them warmly would have come from them doing things that were warm. They did not like the reflection in the mirror they saw, so they didn’t want any part of me anymore. I am not a victim. I was born to be a truth teller, and that person always interrupts the systems they inhabit.

We could have all changed paths together, but we didn’t. They went back to what they do and I went back to what I do in a family that accepts all of my weird. This is the best conversation of the day…….

10yo: Why do YOU get a shake?
Tiina: Because Leslie loves me.
Me: To be clear, I love all of you, I just love you a little bit less.

Cue Tiina trying not to spit shake everywhere and I see my work here is done.

We were due at Pride by 10 AM, so I left Baltimore at 0700, texting Tiina that I was headed to her and to let me know if she wanted coffee. She said, “sure.” Her standard order is the Cuban roast, but I asked her if she wanted drip or a shake. I knew that would pique her interest. It’s so simple- vanilla soft serve and espresso.

I also got a shake, but mine was a black and white. I’d had enough caffeine for the day. It was the right amount of chocolate, similar to a Wendy’s Frosty. I hadn’t had breakfast and it was a quick way to slam calories down. I decided that today I’d eat and drink whatever I wanted because I wasn’t there to find love. I was there to bring bagels.

Which were spectacular, by the way, and everyone loved them. They were bright rainbow colors and from THB, one of the best bagel places in my neighborhood.

I sat and chatted with everyone, checking in on the very pregnant Ayalla and thinking “any day now.” Tiina’s kids love me and I’m looking forward to being their safe adult while Ayalla is in labor. They’re too young to just hang out at the hospital and I know the rules of the road. I also like being out at their house, so we’ll have a good time. I just need to remember to ask Tiina what the password is to the PS5. If I do not know it, there will be open revolt.

It would honestly be interesting to see which child tried to cut me first.

They’re amazing children. Don’t turn your back.

So now memories are coming up for me as I imprint on them. I’m very much my dad and thank God for that. My mother criticized me relentlessly and that is not what I want for Tiina’s children. I have to suppress my first reaction, always. That’s because even if it’s right, they don’t deserve it raw.

So something I believed as a kid is probably that criticism is love.

I am being different now.

Spanish Was My First Second Language, Finnish is My Last

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Which languages do you speak and how did that impact your life?
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I am only fluent in English, to be clear.

However, I took two years of Spanish in high school while being raised in a church that valued mission work. So while I was taking those two years of Spanish, I went to Mexico three times a year. So, between actual study and immersion, I can do most things in Mexico without having a translator. I can get my point across even if individual words are wrong.

I am interested in spending more time in Mexico to get my skills back, but auditory processing disorder and Spanish do not mix because it’s the fastest language in the world. Immersion is the only way to pick up an ear for it.

I became interested in Finnish because I had a reason, and that reason continues to this day. My love of Aada’s culture led me to seek it out. That’s because I didn’t just love Aada, I loved the framework around her. Therefore, Tiina being Finnish is one of the things that brought us closer because I already had that shorthand and am very dialed in.

I would like to point out that this is just another case of liking the package that comes with the macaroni and cheese.

That’s an old story, but one best left to the graveyard… a wink to the OGs.

I am finding out that legit no one likes to be written about, and yet that is not my problem. I just find people who don’t mind it and don’t obsess over it. People who are worried about being seen aren’t worth encouraging relationships with, either. That’s why I’m going to Pride with Tiina and not Aada.

But if she shows up, she’s welcome. I do not think that she will come to Pride to see me, I think it’s possible we could share space and I am not afraid of that anymore. I have a platonic, creative partner that literally grounds me with a hug. I don’t want explosions of excitement anymore. Life is not fancy coffee. Life is drip.

I want to take away the mystery. Just living my life over here. That’s her line, so I’m going to steal it.

What I am finding is that I naturally gravitate towards women, but they don’t naturally gravitate towards me because I look like a woman and communicate like a man. They, in a sense, are dating two people for the price of one. It is jarring to meet someone in a female body that does not couch their language or back down easily. Women are also not used to having other women approach them even when we both have rainbows on because it is “impolite.”

Telling a straight girl you love them is always a mistake. Not knowing you’re hitting on a straight woman can lead to emotional violence (or physical if her husband’s offended). So, all women loving women expect to get dates based on glancing across the room longingly and being surprised when someone sees it.

It makes me long for Finnish culture and language, because:

  • there is no difference between male and female in terms of pronouns. Being nonbinary is baked into the system
  • women are treated like people overall

Between both of those things, who gives a flying fuck if it’s cold? I would deal with Helsinki in the winter like I deal with Houston in the summer- by staying inside. Finnish coziness is a vibe I welcome, where life is swimming in the lake in the summer and gathering by the fire in the winter. It’s an expensive dream to have, but one that’s worth it. I do think that I will go to Helsinki soon because I’d like to spend my 50th birthday there. I will be 49 in September, so I have enough time to plan everything in detail.

When I get there, I will actually be able to introduce myself and get coffee/pastries. But my accent is so terrible that they will flip into English instead of watching me struggle. Brian says I need to take Tiina’s sister with me because she’s fluent. That’s not a bad idea, but we haven’t met yet.

I am interested in the Houston to Helsinki pipeline, but not willing to make it permanent until I see what’s up. Culinary school is an option in order to create a YouTube channel, but I do not want to go back into the restaurant business. Culinary school would be free and make a cheap way to live for my first few years there with student discounts.

I have choices, I just need to make them. Right now, I am scrambling to go out of town this weekend because I was going to go to the lake last weekend and my car had an issue. I’ll get it back today, but it’s not worth going all the way to Lake Louisa and back, then having to come back to Baltimore to pick up the bagels. THB only makes them on certain days.

It’s better that I have Thursday free because I need a refill on my meds before I can safely leave the state. That’s the only problem with Medicaid Expansion. It prevents me from being able to pick up my prescriptions nationally. Therefore, I need to maintain a residence in Maryland and watch when I get low on meds so that I have continuity. I am committed to living in three places and just shuffling between them because I’m a real part of the family. The kids called yesterday wanting to know when I was coming and I was heartbroken to tell them it wouldn’t be until Friday.

I am thinking that a trip to Helsinki with them would be fun, but I don’t want to presume I ever have the authority to take them. What would be the most fun is all going together. I want to see their faces when we try salmiakki ice cream and things like that. The pictures would destroy me in the absolute best way.

So even if I don’t move to Finland and learn to speak Finnish fluently, I recognize it as familiar to my neurotype. That maybe out of 188,000 lakes, one of them might be mine.