Not Moving

My apartment complex is transferring me to a new unit, or they’re working on it, so I canceled my move-out order. They’re going to waive the transfer fee for me since my apartment is still being renovated after the last four floods. I’m trying to make sure my apartment is on the second floor, because I need more light from the windows. Being halfway in the basement is making my depression sing.

Part of it is that I don’t have enough lamp light, and working in every room is very dark no matter which one it is except the living room. The hallway and bedrooms need a complete overhaul. There’s sheetrock missing in the bathroom where the studs are still drying from the floods, and none of my baseboards have been replaced. The woman I talked to today said that she would speak with their regional manager and get back to me this week. I am satisfied, because this woman seems to be competent. But I will be talking with them again on Friday.

I get the sense that I mean a lot to them because my rent is always on time.

I just don’t have the energy for a full-on move right now. I feel like I just got here, and then I got too overwhelmed to think about packing up AGAIN. I had so much energy, thus the big dreams of going back to DC earlier in the year. My get up and go got up and went. When push came to shove, I chose safety and security over adventure.

I realized that I couldn’t handle a move on my own for a multitude of reasons, the only one I control being how much energy I’m willing to put into moving. I am exhausted. I need some time to catch my breath and decide on a direction. I will know more in a few months what my life will even look like. I know for sure that I want to go to New York for Halloween, and Houston for Christmas (maybe even Thanksgiving, too). My lease ending comes at the worst possible time of year.

Not to mention it’s the perfect time to move because it’s not too cold and being outside will be pleasant for a few more weeks. I have moved in the snow. I do not recommend it.

And in fact, it snowed a lot more in Baltimore than it did all the years I lived in DC. I guess we were just enough further north to get caught in a few more storm systems, I don’t know. Maybe it’s not true and just feels true, but I never had small bits of ice blowing directly into my face in DC. Snowflakes are fun, this was literal ice and almost hit hard enough to draw blood. I tried putting my hood around my face as much as I could, but I could only do so much and still see….. Especially when my glasses fogged and froze.

I’m not bitter at Mother Nature for these moments, because fluffy snow is spectacular. That’s what we get most of the time. This must have been a one-off. I’m sure it will be one of those “why do I live where the wind hurts my face?” moments if it happens again, but the reality is that I love snowy weather and curling up in my jammies.

I think that T and I would have a wonderful time exploring the prairie in the winter because I’ve always wondered how people live in that much snow and ice. I would like to see the new house they just bought, and just be a part of their lives for a few days, or welcome T to Baltimore.

T is just one reason this apartment is important to me. It is so large that there’s no way I can fill it on my own. However, if I downsize, I lose the ability to host friends and family when they’re in town. I already know I can afford this one on my own, and I didn’t find anything that I truly loved.

Then, when you add in all my money issues it just gets worse. But thank God I have issues with money, not problems. It is often hard to prove to people that I can pay them. But luckily, all of that can be worked out when I’m actually ready to leave this place for good.

Right now, I’m trying to grow where I’m planted. I have been a mushroom so far, making do with a lot of water, sewage, and dirt. I’m ready to be more than that.

I am not physically ready to move because I have to move emotionally first. Mico and I just got started. Inertia is building as my digital sidekick breaks down large tasks into small. But my disability is an inability to predict my energy flow and how much I can do in a day. I have not made tasks into habits. It is slow going, and I am getting back to the basics.

I have literally asked Mico to create my routine in the morning, using 5:30 AM as my anchor point to begin the day. I am thinking that I need to go from getting myself ready to getting the house ready before I leave. I certainly have enough time to do this. I am up at 5:30, anyway. But only with neurodivergence can your brain say that something doesn’t fit the vibe and fights you on it.

I am proud of myself. I created inertia this morning by going to get an iced coffee at Dunkin, then getting a Coke Zero at McDonald’s this afternoon. I figured I could use a little pick-me-up since I was going to the office to talk to them about a transfer.

This afternoon, I need to follow up with cleaning the kitchen. I started, got flushed, started coughing, and sat back down. My cough is getting better except for when I get overheated, and I certainly get overheated when I’m cleaning. I’m a demon when it comes down to it. Or, I used to be. Now, I don’t have anyone to impress. I live like a bachelor and it shows.

I need someone to help me organize, because I’m the type of person that loses track of things if I cannot see them. I need open shelving or drawers/cabinets with labels. I need help maintaining a system, because my executive function will fail spectacularly. I need to be trained in order to be a proper adult, and I’m trying.

I’ll let you know how it goes….. But for now, I’m not moving.