There’s a strange kind of double vision that happens when you’re AFAB in tech. Online, people treat me like the engineer they assume I am. In person, they treat me like the assistant they assume I must be. Same brain. Same expertise. Same voice. Different interface. And the system reacts to the interface, not the person.
This is the part no one wants to talk about — the part that isn’t just my story, but the story of every cis woman, every trans woman, every nonbinary AFAB person who has ever walked into a server room and watched the temperature drop ten degrees. Tech doesn’t evaluate competence first. Tech evaluates pattern‑matching. And the pattern it’s matching against is older than the industry itself.
The default engineer — the silhouette burned into the collective imagination — is still the same guy you see in stock photos and AI‑generated images: headset, hoodie, slightly haunted expression, surrounded by glowing screens. He’s the archetype. The template. The assumed expert. And everyone else is measured against him.
When you’re AFAB, you start at a deficit you didn’t create. You walk into a meeting and watch people’s eyes slide past you to the nearest man. You introduce yourself as the developer and someone asks when the “real engineer” will arrive. You answer the phone at a security company and customers refuse to speak to you because they assume you’re the secretary. Not because of your voice. Not because of your skill. Because of your category.
This is the invisible downgrade — the automatic demotion that happens before you’ve said a single technical word.
And here’s the nuance that makes tech such a revealing case study: the system doesn’t actually read gender first. It reads lineage. It reads cultural imprint. It reads the silhouette of the tech bro — the cadence, the vocabulary, the posture of someone raised inside male‑coded nerd spaces. That’s why trans women in tech often get treated better than cis women. Not because the industry is progressive, but because the outline matches the inherited template of “technical person.”
Tech isn’t evaluating womanhood.
Tech is evaluating symbolic alignment.
Cis women often weren’t invited into the early geek spaces that shaped the culture. AFAB nonbinary people get erased entirely. Trans women who grew up in those spaces sometimes get slotted into “real tech” before the system even processes their gender. It’s not respect. It’s misclassification. And it’s fragile.
Meanwhile, AFAB people who don’t match the silhouette — especially those of us who can sound like the archetype online but don’t look like it in person — create a kind of cognitive dissonance the system can’t resolve. Online, I exude tech bro. In person, I get treated like the project manager who wandered into the wrong meeting. The contradiction isn’t in me. It’s in the schema.
This is why women in tech — cis and trans — and AFAB nonbinary people all experience different flavors of the same structural bias. The system doesn’t know what to do with us. It only knows how to downgrade us.
And because the culture is biased, the data is biased.
Because the data is biased, the AI is biased.
Because the AI is biased, the culture gets reinforced.
The loop closes.
This is the seam — the place where the fabric splits and you can see the stitching underneath. Tech is one of the only fields where you can watch gender, lineage, and symbolic pattern‑matching collide in real time. And if you’ve lived it, you can’t unsee it.
Being AFAB in tech isn’t just about sexism.
It’s about misalignment in the architecture of authority.
It’s about a system that recognizes the silhouette before it recognizes the person.
It’s about an industry that still hasn’t updated its mental model of who belongs here.
And the truth is simple:
We’ve always belonged here.
The system just hasn’t caught up.
Scored by Copilot. Conducted by Leslie Lanagan.
Stories That Are All True 