I think about Aada less every day, except during Holy Week. That’s because our relationship and my marriage blew up this time of year, and the body memory is so strong it is palpable. I am reminded of all the things I “have done and left undone,” and I am “heartily sorry.” But what means the most to me now is that it doesn’t matter how bad I feel or how much I wish things had gone differently. It is not all my fault; it was a series of unfortunate events.
Aada has thought I’ve been blaming her all this time instead of telling you both sides of a story. I could not do her justice because her story belonged only to her. The reason it felt off is that I was always guessing instead of knowing how she actually felt. But the only way I could describe my own emotions were to pull in what I thought was happening, but Aada wouldn’t correct the record when I was wrong. She just told me she didn’t care what people thought of her right up until “the damage was incalculable.”
But it was damage she brought on herself by being the most remote friend alive and building our relationship on a lie. She should have known I wouldn’t sit on a lie that big because it rearranged my reality for over a decade. The further I get away from Aada, the more I know that things are going the right way. That I will be happy if she does the work and wants to reconnect later in life, but right now I don’t trust that the work is actually being done.
In the past, I’ve been too kind about letting her back in, because it always ended in disaster. I wanted too much, needed too much, and she was not all of the sudden going to become available. She did not owe me anything, but never got the reciprocal nature of friendship. However, I do not think she wanted to control me anymore. I think she wanted to get away with the lie. That what I thought was control was actually embarrassment, but I cannot excuse it because the consequences for me were the same.
In a sense, I have lost the will and the ability to care what happens to her in the future, because what I see is that she used me over a number of years for the emotional processing she couldn’t/wouldn’t do for herself. She told me on day one that her idea of love was completely fucked up, and then proved it. I told her that I was in love with her, and then proved it by caring about her every day for the next 12 years. She is straight. It was never about trying to get her in bed. It was always about accepting the limits of what we could be to each other and building upon it. That didn’t mean it wasn’t miserable for me at times, but the reason I keep hoping that we’ll reunite later is that I’ve never felt this much love for anyone. I’ve always wanted their success more than mine, and of course I got angry when I found out it wasn’t one innocuous lie, it was built up and dressed to impress.
THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS. THAT’S NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS.
My friends can do a lot of things that don’t make me angry, but lying isn’t one of them. And in fact, when I thought that Aada had only lied once, I forgave her immediately. It was realizing the depth and breadth that made my chest tight and brain race. She absolutely screwed me, then threw a grenade over her shoulder and walked away. I’m sure she feels the same way about me. I’m not innocent, I’m just not the only one that’s guilty. It’s a relationship, not a competition….. the bitch of it is that we both lost when we could have won a lifelong friendship.
But she said something that made me think. In one letter, she said that she was “saying goodbye to The Antileslie for good,” and in the very next letter, she said, “for now, all I want is peace.” So I know that I am not the only one who is charmed, surprised, and delighted by the other. That we will take our brilliant and beautiful journey with us, and it is up for grabs as to whether we become whole enough to talk again.
We both need room to breathe, because Aada cannot get her brain around the consequences she laid out for me, and of course, she wouldn’t tell me what hers is….. only that it is “incalculable.” What she didn’t mention is all the anxiety she laid out for me. It was a simple “I’m sorry I manipulated you…..” with the implication that it didn’t matter because her pain was so much worse.
The threats were also unfortunate, because when I called her on it, it was, “who, me?” Because Aada doesn’t play games. She sets traps where no matter what you say, it’s wrong. And maybe I’m guilty of that as well, but I cannot feel it. That is Aada’s story to tell.
Because what I’m basically saying is that if our relationship had progressed normally instead of being internet crack, we’d be in a very different position today. It was always my goal to meet her in person so that we could cool down the heat- the internet made both of us grumpier and angrier than necessary. I said things that were “over the line, Smokey…” and so did she. But the final nail in the coffin was when I could stand on the outside while she spun out and just watch. She told me it was cruel, and I told her that it was a far sight better than taking in all her negativity and making it personal. I could see the pattern for what it was instead of ending up rejected, defeated, and usually crying.
Because women loving women don’t choose the orientation of the woman they love. It is the most tragic of love stories, the queer woman following around the straight woman, begging for scraps- because it’s not sexual attraction that makes us want more. It’s the essence of the person, just wanting their energy around them. The straight women think the opposite and pull back. Or at least, that’s how it’s been for me- a forest fire that died long ago, but the camp fire that keeps us both warm still burns.
I have had to sit with this love and get to know it, because it is so complex. Aada has a whole life and family that I know of, but don’t really know. She would probably say the same thing about my family. She has a rough idea of who’s who, but that’s about it. So our connection was mostly talking to and about each other. That’s the part I really miss. Aada is fascinating when you can get her talking, but she doesn’t want you to know much.
I know more than most, and what she fails to see is that I love her, anyway. She thinks I’m using this blog as a weapon, trying to punish her. When the reality is that there are hundreds of entries that tell my readers in countries all over the world how wonderful she is….. and what an asshole, too, because everyone is an angel and a demon when you’re not trying to make them into a “Flat Stanley” kind of character………………………………………………. #shatnerellipsis
Now that we aren’t in touch, I do what I have always done, which is pray on the spaces. I pray on the in-between, the gray area that will either push us in different directions or together. I know my ultimate goal is together, and it will be up for grabs as to what hers might be…… because there’s a huge difference between “for now,” and “because I knew you, I’ve been changed for good.”
Aada, I love you and this is our song.
Wicked.
Stories That Are All True 