What’s a moment in your life that made you feel truly alive?
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What makes me feel the most alive is knowing I have had so many life experiences that are full of adrenaline and at the end of the day, what I really want is a cup of coffee with a good friend. That’s it, and I don’t need it to be more than that. I think that relationships get off on the wrong foot by pouring in adrenaline and dopamine, then expecting the other person to maintain that pace. I met Jaz on Facebook Dating, and then drove down to meet her in person because Facebook tells you two things: jack and shit.
But I didn’t show up with flowers and candy. I showed up with caffeine. Every relationship must start with friendship, and I am not trying to win anyone. I am trying to be real. But to say that we are dating is premature because neither one of us knows the other well enough to say that. We are in the “Baltimore is a long way, I would like to sleep on your couch if we hang out” phase. As a result, we watched “A Different World” on Netflix (my heart melted, Kadeem Hardison), slept for a few hours, then went to Wawa for more caffeine. Jaz went back upstairs to bed, and I’m at her kitchen table.
A few days ago she said thoughtfully, “what do you want us to be to each other?” I said, “for us not to know and for that to be okay.” I do not want to commit to anyone after two meetings, and I’m being intentional about what goes on in them. I enjoy platonic energy with women just as much as I enjoy romantic, and I must foster platonic energy first. I do not want to bark up the wrong tree. I want to go slow enough that I can see obstacles coming. What I do know is that she is important to me and it is a connection worth fostering because friendship is underrated. I am not interested in a planned outcome to this dynamic; spending time together without an agenda will reveal what the connection is supposed to be later.
For now, I know her couch is very comfortable, and the desk chair in her bedroom is also choice. Spending quality time together is everything… like *actually* watching Netflix without all the chilling. At least at first, anyway. I am being cautious for all our sakes because she has a kid. An adult child, to be clear, but still. It’s not about age, it’s about respect and power dynamics. I didn’t come here to “take over.” I am just along for the ride and so far I am welcome. I am enjoying having a new connection without deciding up front whether it is a red or yellow string. There isn’t enough data to support anything but close friendship, but I am definitely in love with Virginia no matter how I feel about Jaz and her daughter.
Why do I end up with so many friends in Virginia?
Well, when I moved from Silver Spring, Maryland (DC suburb) to Baltimore, Facebook Dating did not relocate me and still thinks I’m in the DMV. So my profile includes people from across the river all the time. I do not seek out people in Arlington, Alexandria, Fredericksburg, and Richmond. They come to me quite naturally. Alternatively, I hear a lot from people in Pennsylvania and New York/New Jersey as well. People not living right under my nose is a side effect of using the internet to meet people…. and honestly great because it takes time to get to know someone before you know if you want to integrate them into the rhythm you have with the rest of your family (biological and chosen).
She touched my heart by understanding the Aada situation. Most queer women do. Most queer women have detailed memories of the straight women who ruined them for others. 😉 And she was curious, not judgmental. She got to hear me say out loud how much I love Aada and wish things hadn’t gone wrong between us in a way that Aada herself never will. I honestly think that’s what makes me feel such loss and grief… that from the beginning of our relationship, the emotions were for Aada but she never actually saw them.
Because I made the rookie mistake of waiting too long to meet her in person before I committed myself to her entirely. Twelve years later and it feels both grounded and ethereal. I’d like to keep the ethereal part because I don’t think she wants to feel grounded. She told me I didn’t have to like her decision to nope out, and I absolutely do not.
The advantage of letting her nope out is releasing myself from jumping up and down for her approval, trying to write in a direction that pleases her……. and in doing so, pissing her off more. I could not win, because no matter what I said it was wrong. I believe that’s because of the disconnect. I know her mind. I have mapped it. But there’s so many limitations to only doing that. Because some things map onto the writer personality I observed that may not be true about her in person. I know for certain that Aada could not see all of me because she never let me sleep on her couch with a dog or five.
I think that if Aada and I had gone slowly and intentionally, we would still be extremely close today. But what actually happened is that we had a mutual trauma dump and rushed in way too fast. Even if I hadn’t felt a romantic pull toward her as a result, the pace was too accelerated for friendship.
What I know now is that the blink decision to get involved was correct, but we run so hot that we are blue flames to each other…. what is missing is heat control. One of us gives the other a stimuli and the reaction is immediately overwhelming. We did the right thing initially and completely screwed up the management of it. The lesson I learned was to meet people on the ground early and often…. but don’t get involved too fast.
Go to people’s houses. Watch TV together. Play games. Keep camp chairs in the car so “let’s go to the river” is always a viable option. Cultivate relationships that last because they’re comfortable enough to withstand friction. It is huge to have that friend who doesn’t mind you writing in your kitchen because their bedroom is so far away that you won’t wake them up.
I don’t want huge adrenaline spikes in order to feel alive. Less is so much more.
