When I’m writing, I think of it very much like a lecture about me. I am trying to create a video in your head like one Joel Wood or Lia Hatzakis or Paul Cuffaro or any number of YouTubers would make, where they’re just walking down the street and talking to the camera. Paul is walking around his farm and fish room, but it’s the same concept. They all narrate their lives like they’re standing up in front of a crowd. Because my dad was a minister, to me this tracks as a completely normal thing to do. However, my dad didn’t usually preach what’s called a “confessional sermon.” His sermons were generally not about him. Sometimes he would include funny things that happened with my mom, me, and Lindsay that week, but he rarely just put everything on display.

That is my department, and he calls me “Chief.” Because my favorite two spies in the UNIVERSE were called “Chief,” now it pleases me to no end. I’m not Chief of Disguise, but I am chief of……….. Something. I tried to think of a pun, but I’ve not nothin.’ If you think of something that rhymes with “disguise” and also refers to writing/blogging, leave it in the comments. I don’t have prizes, but if it becomes a thing maybe I’ll acquire them. Lanagan Media Group lives to serve. 😉

I should update you all that Bryn’s grandmother died yesterday, so please send her all the love in the world. She already has mine, but that’s not enough. She needs love in groups. Fanagans, do your thing.

I can’t remember who came up with “Fanagans,” so I’m going to pick Dana. The only thing I do know is that it wasn’t me. I don’t have enough self confidence to believe I have fans all over the world even though I do. It’s sometimes too much to take in, that Zac, Supergrover, Bryn, Dana, and I are famous in a very small niche…… However, the reach is literally every country in the world. Since this blog was conceived 11 years ago, I’ve gotten all 208. Just obscure, like Micronesia and Vatican City. I can say that a few are VPNs, bots, etc. I cannot say that for all of them.

In terms of stats, my biggest fan base is in India. Again, this is not surprising to me because there are more people in India, as well as the popularity of the WordPress app/web site there. The next biggest group is the Commonwealth, which I group because it changes at least once a week. Sometimes it’s Canada, sometimes it’s Australia, sometimes it’s Britain. My US following is smaller, but it’s growing every single day as I get more popular on Facebook and I get promoted in the daily prompt. My reader retention rate is enormous. If someone reads once, they’re almost 70% likely to read again, and I have an enormous fan base that reads my entries as soon as they come out. My favorite comment about this has been “we have now reached the point where I am anticipating your entries coming out.”

I hope that I am showing confidence, not arrogance. My self esteem has been in the shitter for a very long time, and the straw that broke the camel’s back was Daniel saying “just because you write in bulk doesn’t mean you say anything of substance.” Well, his professional peer-reviewed ass hasn’t had fans for 24 years. Beat that with a stick.

I do things with intention and purpose. I don’t link to anything to create reader retention unless a prompt has come up where I’ve told the story recently. This allows two things to happen. The first is reader retention. The reason I have it is that I demand it. If you don’t read something, it will move down on the page and it becomes obscure. That creates the OG fan base because my blog has a real “guess you had to be there” feel because otherwise you are going to be using my search feature extensively. People don’t do that. The second thing it accomplishes for my friends is allowing the past to stay passed. Everything blows over easier when they realize that every day is a new piece of paper.

However, thanks to my fans, my archives aren’t bird cage liner. It takes a very long time for people to discover your content on Facebook and WordPress. Some of the entries that are the most shared are two or three years past when it was written. The only thing that took off immediately was my article on marriage. I think it’s hilarious that I wrote a marriage article seen all over the world. That’s because I realized I wasn’t very good at it. Thus, poly and dating Zac because not being married and just having a boyfriend suits me completely. I do not have a need to have multiple partners to be happy. I am happy. The only reason I wanted to be with Daniel as well is that I wanted what’s called an NP, or nesting partner. Zac will never be that for me and I respect his boundaries. I still want so social mask someone because living with someone makes that possible.

In the meantime, I am social masking my housemate and that works well. I have changed my schedule to his, because when I’m alone and have no schedule, I am just as good a writer, but a worse human being. I get demand avoidance over showering, cooking, basically anything until my executive function says “MOVE.” Everything is an emergency with executive dysfunction because your brain cannot plan anything in advance….. Or very little, anyway. You live and die by Google Calendar, because you WILL not remember it if you don’t write it down. I have been late to work because I forgot I had work today (it’s easy to do in a kitchen because your schedule changes weekly). I have never told anyone that before, that I’ve been late because I forgot we were doing work that day. But now I’m spilling it because that’s the disability.

That’s why it’s hard to stay employed, because people think you’re full of shit or a fucking child. People without brain disorders have absolutely no concept, but they become the authority on your mental health if they’re bosses. It’s not a disability, you’re just an indolent asshole.

I’m a good writer because I don’t get demand avoidance over it every single day. Your brain sometimes overrides your disability when it’s a special interest….. Or it happens to me because I’m ADHD as well. If I was simply autistic, I would be 10x more likely to be engrossed in writing to the exclusion of all else, because autistic people are bad at transitions and tend to stay hyper focused on the thing they know the most about. For instance, it being hard to drag Sam away from penguins on “Atypical,” or being able to drag Extraordinary Attorney Woo from whales.

Ok, shows with autistic people. Gotta talk about it.

In a lot of shows about people with disabilities, they’re designed to make the neurotypical person look like the hero caretaker and the autist to need that care. The show isn’t about being autistic, but how kind people are in tolerating our quirks, not caring when it goes overboard into infantilizing an adult. In short, you are not a hero because you manage to put up with me. I mean, thanks, but I don’t ever want a friend who shows up out of pity. I would rather be alone, because I can, again, entertain myself. It is more fun to be alone than to put up with that crap.

My life got better when I stopped allowing it. I sound like I know everything because I just throw emotional bombs down like they’re nothing. I take everything literally, so if you ask me a question, I’m going to be sure in my answer even when I’m not, because the autistic brain is not putting everything through a social convention checklist. Ask a question, get an answer. We can’t care any less when you react to it, because it’s something we can’t do anything about. We either sound like dicks or we don’t talk at all because people just say that we’re dicks when we talk to them. Why bother?

My friends’ biggest problem with me historically is that I call them on their bullshit, they scream “you don’t know me,” and within hours/days they come back and say “I hate it that you’re always right.” It’s relentless, because obviously when I talk people take a defensive tone. I cannot win, so I’ve stopped playing.

My boyfriend and my best friend are on the same page….. Something my friend Sarah Anne said about 15 years ago and it’s apt here. “Just let Leslie be Leslie, and let the world fall in love.” It is the most profound thing anyone has ever said, and it wasn’t about my career and my friends’ attitudes toward it, but it’s the perfect fit. She was giving me advice on preaching, when my world was quite a bit smaller.

I often wonder if the people who’ve visited me from Vatican City have stolen lines from me, because I know it’s possible. I’m confident that I’m a good enough preacher to rip off blind. And remember, I don’t need to be a hero. It’s not important to be recognized when there’s a possibility you just gave a Cardinal something to say on Sunday morning.

Because I write about success and things that are interesting to powerful people, like leadership, I think of my fan base as small, but with abilities no one else has. A lot of my audience is more successful than I am. Margaret Cho comes to mind, but I don’t have any evidence that she’s a fan. She just Tweeted my marriage article on Twitter. Sharing one article doesn’t mean she came back, but it doesn’t not mean that, either. I have no idea who is reading based on my web stats unless they’re a part of the WordPress community and leave a like within the app. You have to have an account with WordPress to do that. Everyone else just clicks on the link from Facebook, Reddit, et al. Margaret Cho is not my only reader with that much clout, so my assessment that my audience is small but powerful is correct and I feel solid about it. I have been underestimating my abilities my whole life.

Daniel’s words pushed me to the fucking wall and I thought, “ENOUGH. You just watched Jonna Mendez own herself in front of an entire room of people and she likes your writing and she likes you. She would not think it was impossible that I could do the same. You can’t think of yourself as a shitty writer anymore. Man up.” There is no universe in which I think I couldn’t give an interview at the Spy Museum because they already know me there. It’s just that currently, I don’t have a book to promote. Maybe I’ll do a nonfiction on NASA and CIA or something, but I’d have to find something Vince Houghton didn’t in “Nuking the Moon.” It’s just easy money if the book is good because people genuinely like that topic.

I absolutely do not think I could fail at writing nonfiction, because that’s what I do every single day. I just need an editor because I clean up nice.

It’s an idea to read Zac in on helping me with a nonfiction book, because not only can he edit me, he can fact check me as well. Like, holy shit, the perfect boyfriend dropped into my lap…………… Because I got the confidence to ask for it. I asked Zac out, not the other way around. I’m getting a lot of things these days by asking for them, and it’s sort of embarrassing how long I didn’t know that. I was an arrested teenager for years. I couldn’t set boundaries in relationships for anything in the world because I didn’t know how. I’ve felt steamrolled in every relationship because I was a people pleaser. Once I just started throwing truth bombs on the table and keeping the friends who stayed, I was a lot happier than having friends who I tiptoed around because my self-esteem wasn’t high enough to participate in a give and take. I got love by pleasing other people. Now, I just pick friends that allow themselves the luxury of having productive fights that make you closer, because you’re not holding in all the things that make the other person annoying because you just let them keep annoying you without saying anything and letting MASSIVE resentment build.

It’s not okay, building massive resentment. It will always backfire. Instead of a happy relationship, you’re focusing on yourself and telling yourself that you’re not getting anything because no one notices you. There’s no award for trying to be good enough that your parents don’t see you as a problem child. Your needs going unmet is a you thing, not a them thing. When you say nothing, you become part of the problem.

It’s counterfeit kindness.