100 Things- “Stories” Edition

Back in the day, I got a meme. You list 100 facts about yourself. That’s it. Simple. Last time it turned out hilarious. I have high hopes for this one.

  1. The first time I ever smoked pot, I was 25 years old. I had just gotten my nails done, and due to a broken lighter, I set my fingernails on fire. These things only happen to me, people. I mean, how should I know that acrylic burns?
  2. I have had eight relationships over my lifetime, when I ever really only wanted the one. However, it is hard to keep a relationship together when you’re a lesbian in one country and your partner is a lesbian in another. Dating was good for me. Marriage is even better. I’m in my element. Plus, about earlier in my life, I said “18.” There’s a big fat “I told you so” in there somewhere.
  3. Dana and I are both smart as hell, but I would say that our “emotional quotient” is much higher. We like helping people. Dana more than most. I am an irritated old bastard, and I show it a lot of the time. Dana is a better person than I am, trust me on this one. Even though I do like helping people, it has to be on one of those days where I like people.
  4. I am a first soprano, and nearly always have allergies. Singing ranges from resplendent to repulsive. I’ll blow a low note and then measures later a high C will float off beautifully. I’m also a terrible sight reader. But I’m a first soprano and I’m not jealous of others. Miracle! Holla!
  5. I knew Beyonce in high school. Do you know how much that yearbook would be worth if I’d had her sign it? Dana and I would already have our retirement paid.
  6. I am pretty much a person that likes to be told what to do. I am getting more and more interested in trusting my own intuition, but no one is perfect. I have the skills to lead, but I’m very afraid of conflict. I want to help people, I don’t want to fight with them.
  7. The color of my hair is natural right now, but most of the time, you can’t find my hair color in nature but you can find it at Walgreens.
  8. I’m only at number 8. Holy fuck.
  9. We have some Toasted Corn Doritos. Could I interest you in some junk food?
  10. I like expensive beer, but I can afford Hamm’s.
  11. Diet Cherry Coke is more expensive than Hamm’s, and I like it better.
  12. My favorite game is “Cards Against Humanity,” because it allows me to be the absolute creeper that I want to be for shock value. Preacher’s kids are the worst kids.
  13. I used to be a preacher’s kid, but I’m not now. My dad helps run my stepmom’s rheumatology practice.
  14. Ok, FORMER  preacher’s kids are the worst kids. Even former preacher’s kids still fall into two categories, and they rarely vary. First child wants to go into the ministry or at least thinks about it because they won’t have to work so hard, they already know the ins and outs. Second child wants to grow a large wild hair and do everything Christianity hates until they run out of steam and realize it wasn’t so bad. (Editor’s note: Guess.)
  15. When I was a kid, I wanted to be an opera singer, but I chose trumpet instead. To make matters worse, Lindsay (younger sister) was in the children’s chorus at HGO. I sat at every rehearsal like a brooding Salieri. I liked instrumental music, but I think I would have done better at music contests if I’d embraced my inner diva while it was still young enough to be malleable. It’s not that I’m ancient now, it just wouldn’t be as easy. Here’s the reason I chose instrumental music- choir didn’t seem like real music. In our choir, I was one of the only students that could actually read music and I damn near failed choir because of solfege. They caught on to me because I was just moving my hand up and down in peace signs. So singing is amazing, and most of the singers I know (professionals, not amateurs) are fucking morons, wrapped up in their own drama with very little “other-awareness.” I am lucky in that I always found someone I liked in choir, because all singers aren’t like that, but the pressure and attitude made me crazy. I don’t function in that world because I just don’t like it. And I don’t feel like I have to apologize, because every choral singer in America knows the type I’m talking about. DON’T YOU? If you’re a first soprano and you say that you have no idea what I’m talking about, then you are either lying to me or one of those types who just can’t admit it. If you REALLY don’t know what I’m talking about, then you must not be a musician. I’m in our church choir, but I’m pretty sure it will never be more than that again. Blow your hair back rep is fun, but the rehearsals aren’t.
  16. My outer personality and my inner personality are quite different. My outer personality is a cross between Brittany and Eleanor on Alvin & the Chipmunks. My inner personality is a lot like Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino.
  17. I drink. A LOT. However, my favorite drinks aren’t alcoholic because I’m ALWAYS thirsty. It’s been looked at and I’m not diabetic or have failing kidneys or anything, I just don’t go more than 20 minutes without something to drink- when I’m home. When I’m out and about, I at least try to act like a normal person. I would say that I’m pregnant, but everyone knows that Dana’s sperm count is way too low. Can I check into a hospital just for the shaved ice? Dana broke my heart when she was working for the meat department and I saw a huge tank full of chipped ice. It’s used for wrapping fish, so it wasn’t food grade. That cured me of pining for it, though.
  18. Speaking of cure, my grandpa Max always said that if your lips were chapped, you could put cow dung on your lips. It wouldn’t do any good, but it’ll keep you from lickin’ ’em. The first time I heard him say it, I literally fell down with laughter.
  19. I almost asphyxiated when my grandma Rena said, “she can’t help it that she’s ugly… but she could stay home.”
  20. I wear a t-shirt and jeans nearly all the days of my life, so when I nellied out at Kelly’s wedding, grandma Rena said, “you look good as a woman.”
  21. I’m in love with whiskey a little bit. Dana is okay with this, because she has actually seen me spend 15 minutes just smelling an empty glass. It’s not about the quantity, it’s about the quality. If I know that I have enough money for two drinks at a bar, I will forego having two drinks and have one spectacular one instead. However, anybody can make good *expensive* whiskey. Even when I’m poor, I can still afford Old Overholt, one of the best ryes on earth. My favorite drink in the world is rye and ginger, but I’m emotionally connected to it. I went to visit my first love in Canada, and it’s very popular there. So rye and ginger is the moment I step into the joy of that moment. I’m not going to tell you my favorites, because I’m sure they’ll be in Recommendation Wednesday’s column soon.
  22. Advice Column Thursday is getting really popular.
  23. My wrists hurt really bad because I’m trying to do this in one sitting.
  24. That was a terrible mistake.
  25. I’m blessing and releasing it.
  26. I’m an asshole for that last one.
  27. I’m not going to tell you why.
  28. The best poem I read when I was a kid started out “psychedelic rainbows, multi-color tears.” God, no wonder I live in Oregon. I thought that was cool.
  29. I’ve tried shrooms twice, because it’s Oregon and that’s what we do.
  30. The first experience almost ruined shrooms for me forever. It ended angrily, with a lot of fighting, and that friend’s dead now so I can talk about it. Basically we did shrooms and went to a bar around the corner from our house. Dana and I love shitty bar food, so we got an appetizer platter. We didn’t know that the waitress had charged our appetizer platter to his credit card, and instead of being cool and accepting money, he came at us with all he had. We walked home and ended up eating peanut butter sandwiches to heal the pain.
  31. The second time I did shrooms, it was in the privacy of my own home. Dana let me have them and she stayed sober. While we were talking, I told her that I could see galaxies, and I could. They were just appearing when my eyes were closed. It was transcendent, and we went out on a high note. Quit while you’re ahead.
  32. I used to have a doll named Rattyobotic. I have no idea where the name came from, and if I had to hazard a guess, I had her right about the time that my dad discovered Radio Shack.
  33. I was addicted to the Quimby clan when I was a kid, and can quote them almost verbatim. I’ve also read “A Girl from Yamhill County,” the Beverly Cleary autobiography. There is a Ramona statue in Portland’s downtown library that made me cry the first time I saw it.
  34. My other favorite books were the Caldecott winners. I loved The Westing Game, by Ellen Raskin. To this day it’s still one of my favorites.
  35. Just because of the way my mind works, I feel a lot of the time like I am The Giver. The Giver is the character and the title of a book that changed my life. I will treasure it always, and I give it as gifts when I have the money.
  36. Another series that I really dug was “Hatchet,” by Gary Paulsen. It’s about a junior-high age kid that goes to visit his dad in the wilds of Alaska. During the flight, the pilot has a heart attack and dies. Brian is alone in the wilderness for about 30 days. The second book explores what would have happened if he hadn’t been rescued and had to survive through the winter. There are others, but those two are the ones I still have.
  37. I love teenage fiction to this day. I really like the “Angus” series. It made me roll on the floor with laughter. So did “Can You Keep a Secret?” by Sophie Kinsella, as well as “A Girl Named Zippy,” by Haven Kimmel
  38. The best dramatic book I’ve ever read in my life is “The Solace of Leaving Early,” also by Haven Kimmel.
  39. I am very affected by books, as you can tell. I feel that I am part Leah from “The Poisonwood Bible,” by Barbara Kingsolver.
  40. I have secrets that I can never tell, because they’re about interactions that I promised to keep quiet. But it is KILLING me not to tell. I was involved with a woman that was not out, I have an old friend who is now a very public figure, and I have the desire to tell those stories, but not the inhumanity.
  41. I am unusually close to some of my old girlfriends, because they have absolutely invaluable insight into how I’m doing mentally because they’ve known me so long.
  42. I like all of Dana’s exes, too.
  43. It’s amazing how we have this weird little community that we wouldn’t trade for anything, because it’s how we measure against how healthy we feel.
  44. Our friends are gracious enough to be both honest and comforting.
  45. The first thing I ever did for love was calling a radio station and having them announce her birthday on air, and sending her a rosebud. On the card, I wrote, “for all you do, this bud’s for you.
  46. I was 13. Budweiser’s ads are ubiquitous.
  47. The biggest thing I ever did for love was take my girlfriend on a cruise down the Potomac with the monuments glistening in the night. The worst part was that I kept it a secret for three months, and as she was getting ready, she asked me what to wear and I said, “well, it’s probably going to be cold on the boat” and clapped my hands over my mouth.
  48. I gave my high school girlfriend a key to our apartment with mixed results. One day, I came home to a “sorry I was an asshole” card with a dozen roses that said “go to your stereo and press play.” Celine Dion’s “Because You Loved Me” filled the room. I forgave her. Also, one day I came home and the girlfriend and her best friend had short-sheeted my bed and turned everything in my room upside down. However, there is no causation link.
  49. I was alone a lot my senior year of high school, and my girlfriend started to feel like home. For her, it didn’t feel like that. Home has always been Canada, and always will be.
  50. I wonder how my life would be now if I had emigrated then and can’t imagine it, as if that dream died with that relationship.
  51. I’m lying. I totally think about Canada all the time, and all my friends know it. They would bust me in a hot second.
  52. Canada works on a point system, and not being fluent in French is a big fat deal.
  53. That would never happen in the United States. Not ever.
  54. I’m not usually right on stuff like this.
  55. Dana’s parents live in DC, and I am so blessed because I still have friends there. Going to visit the parents is one-stop shopping.
  56. Sometimes I wish that my mother-in-law could see how much I absolutely adore her. I hope that she doesn’t mind if I call her that, but I have it on good authority that I am now folded into the family, because sharing a backseat with my two Bamberger girls is a bitch. It only takes a few minutes before I remember that I didn’t ask my psychiatrist for any Xanax.
  57. I don’t take Xanax a lot, only when I’m about to have a panic attack.
  58. I’m the smallest, so I’m in the middle. You get the picture.
  59. I bet Dana’s parents’ heads explode as well.
  60. I am so much like Dana’s dad, because he and I read voraciously. We also get into humorous arguments.
  61. I’m still right about the whole checking in for a flight with an iPhone.
  62. Sometimes I wish I was Dana’s sister, because she’s an attorney and it’s always been one of my dreams to be a lawyer.
  63. I’ve made it just far enough in Con Law to be such an asshole during a fight.
  64. My sister got an A- in Con Law. I got a B+. I was consoled that I did better on the final. I got 102; she only got 100. She probably doesn’t remember it, but it is one of my greatest wins. 🙂
  65. That was the hardest class I’ve ever taken, and the professor has kissed me while drunk. So, he liked me, but he irritated the piss out of me, too. This takes explaining. He’s warm, funny, brilliant, handsome, has taken the bars in both Texas and Louisiana (beat that with a stick). He’s also a sadistic bastard and his heart is black given the way the tests were worded.
  66. I met one of my closest friends right before that class started. Einsteins had given me a free bagel dog and I passed it on to her. We’ve always said, “you had me at bagel dog.” We both agree that it’s unfortunate she’s straight, because it would have been a killer meet-cute for our grandkids.
  67. I love straight people. I don’t know what you Evangelicals think, that I just live in this bubble of gay that creates prejudice against straight people. No, Portland is post-gay. Everyone just has partners, it doesn’t matter how they go together. They just do. If you want to live your life that way, it’s fine to me… as long as “live your life that way” doesn’t affect me.
  68. I hate people a lot of the time, especially in groups.
  69. I don’t mean to hate people, it just happens. I get very socially anxious for no reason at all.
  70. It’s probably not “for no reason,” it just happens so infrequently that I don’t know the trigger.
  71. My first concert was The Beach Boys
  72. My last concert was Talib Kweli. I’m hoping to see more, I just don’t have the money to go to concerts. It’s not just the tickets. I don’t want to go the length of the concert with nothing to eat or drink.
  73. My favorite slang is “dumbass attack.”
  74. My favorite curse word is fuck. I can conjugate it at will.
  75. I have worked in kitchens. You will constantly hate my behavior from now on if you do not just accept this fact. Cooks are dirty motherfuckers and we show it.
  76. At work, Dana’s the boss. It’s bled over so that I think she’s the boss at home, too. She reminded me that this was not true and I haven’t gotten my ass in gear this fast in, like, ever. It’s all because of you.
  77. It’s 3:35 and I’m starting to wonder whether Dana is going to come home soon or whether she’s trapped in the kitchen with no respite. I never trust her schedule unless she has the day off.
  78. That’s just what it’s like being a cook. That’s why we don’t have regular friends. We eat, drink, and be merry after we’re finished entertaining guests. That is a fact about me, because it’s an apt description if you don’t know me.
  79. Think of me as a cross between Mrs. Padmore and Daisy.
  80. When I really like people, I often call them by their full names.
  81. Low libido is an excellent way to stay married.
  82. So is high libido.
  83. My friends tell me that I should consider becoming a marriage and family therapist. I think I would be happier in sexology. It combines the aspects of sex with the aspects of lovemaking, and would allow me to help people with both, thus keeping me happy because I don’t think I would ever be bored. I might, though. Dr. Kinsey’s work reads like Moby Dick.
  84. My crazy place is feeling unloved and unworthy and unmotivated to the point that I can’t get out of bed. I take pills so I don’t go there anymore.
  85. The picture I lost and miss the most is the picture of my girlfriend Jenn and me kissing in the surf. I love how I look, I love how she looks, and it doesn’t matter that I’m with Dana now. It’s just a damn good picture.
  86. I am really grateful that Dana isn’t jealous in the slightest.
  87. I had to take Plan B because I was very intoxicated. I hardly knew the guy except that he knew Dana. Just goes to show that every woman has to put up with this crap, even if they love women.
  88. I say that to prove how deep our love is, because that was years and years ago.
  89. The wound heals quickly when you stay home every night so that your partner knows where you are at all times. In those moments, I grabbed Dana tighter than ever, and I won’t let go.
  90. Dana thinks that as the more attention I get, the more I’ll forget about her. I say the more attention I get, the more I need her and to not ever use those words with me again because it’s a future I cannot imagine. We took divorce off the table so many years ago that to me, it’s like breathing. Dana is my lobster.
  91. We’re not legally married, but we’re registered in Oregon as domestic partners. Texas doesn’t have that. Neither does Virginia. We both feel a little exiled.
  92. Although Maryland wouldn’t be so bad.
  93. We can’t afford to live in DC.
  94. My observation of DC, which luckily is slowly changing, is that there are tourist areas and ghetto, and if you’re lost, you’ll wind up in the ghetto sooner or later.
  95. I once got lost behind Camden Yards in Baltimore. There’s 30 minutes of terror I wish I could erase.
  96. I saw a drug deal go down behind Fredrick Douglass’s house.
  97. I didn’t make it to my dinner party. I gave up being lost and tried to get home. For those of you that know DC, I thought I was crossing the Potomac and I was crossing the Anacostia. I had only lived there for three months, and it was dark.
  98. Dana got me a lap dance for getting the job at Marylhurst. To date, it is possibly the weirdest and least sexual thing that has ever happened to me.
  99. There’s a strip club next door to our house.
  100. We go there because we can stumble home.
    1. Not always.


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