So much has happened that I don’t even know where to start. I broke apart emotionally and am starting to pick up the pieces from the fallout. Every relationship that I’ve ever been in was directed and ended by my often poor impulse control… except one, the one in which I felt completely safe. That one has been absolutely toxic for a lot longer than I really wanted to stay, and I made the connection that I needed to sever any emotional ties with finality and resolve. As the relationship died, “Wi-Phi” was born. Literally. At. The. Same. Time. It was poetic and sad and joyous and redemptive as well.
One relationship ended as another began, one that will be healthy from the start and one that I want to give love and attention. I plan to write to Philip as he grows, because I live so far away. The relationship that died was my blog until I could type, and Philip will be my blog until I have to stop. I love you both so much that I am overflowing with joy. The circle of life is overwhelming when you realize that you’re standing inside it, looking up.
My joy cannot be contained it is so deep that even my sotto voce is sighing with relief. It is over and we are once again safe, inside and outside voices all. Calm, controlled peace and stability now that we are past the hurricane of life beginning and ending and ending and beginning and so on until a minute stretches into infinity.
I am free from the fear that has gripped me almost my entire life, and very much looking forward to what I might look like with peace radiating from my core. I have already stopped being so afraid. This weekend, I went clubbing with my friend Bryn and as we danced we got lost in the moment and the motion and for a minute she was against me and in that moment my mind was still.
Relax yourselves. If Dana wasn’t ok with this, I would never have written about it here, I assure you. We were just dancing, and my theme song is “Save the Last Dance for Me.” I might be hell in high heels, but I will love you until I die because you’ve been so willing to take my crap and fight with me about it so I don’t act like such a jerk around other people. So Dana knows who I’m coming home with, and she met us at the bar and danced with us once she got there. Plus, Bryn is really okay with having boyfriends. Really. Okay.
But back to that one perfect moment. The dance floor is hot and sweaty. By necessity Bryn is constantly rubbing up against me and so are a bunch of other people I don’t know. I am connected with her completely because I am a little bit socially anxious and I really don’t want to know how many people are touching my butt.
So I put my arm around Bryn’s waist and bring her close to me. We are hot and sweaty against each other, touching skin-to-skin, and my brain melts into pudding. I am not turned on. I am tuned in to the fact that I have not thought of anyone or anything else in the last few moments and that it is the first time in almost two weeks that I’ve felt that kind of complete rest. Dancing with someone safe enough to be close to without alienating her with my behavior, letting myself go with someone who can take it because they’ve had just as much life experience as me, and especially being wrapped up with someone on the dance floor, a woman that Dana trusts implicitly. To me, it is the emotional equivalent of letting someone else take care of you instead of constantly trusting that your spouse is able to take on everything you’re giving them emotionally. My emotions are coming up faster than I can process them and I just talk all the time. I have been silent for so long that now I cannot stop. It’s manic and panicky even though I don’t believe that it is a function of my disease. I think it is a function of the thunderstorm I’m letting go and the waves are threatening to drown me. But at the same time, they are only threatening. A bark, instead of a bite. A bark that is about to cause laryngitis and then I will be completely, blessedly free. I have the safety and comfort of a whole network of people that are loving me through everything I can possibly throw at them, including when my behavior is not even the me that I want to express.
…and ladies and gentlemen, those are friends. The ones who can take all your flaws and keep loving you anyway… even if the only reason is that they do is because they know you love them the same way, and you put up with just as much. 😉