I’ve always hated the parable of the mustard seed, for the very reason that most people like it. My priest said on Sunday that the mustard plant is actually more like kudzu, so it makes more sense to me that the mustard seed is alternatively the tiny seed of evil that guides me to be an asshole on a regular basis unless I keep cutting it back. I know Jesus meant it as a good thing, but this is just where my brain goes on too much sleep. I have too much time on my hands to dream up things that ultimately make me a better writer, but I will quote my little sister on this… “Dad? Was that true or were you just preachin’?”
I am sure that my philosophy/theology is off by quite a bit. After all, what Jesus meant was the antithesis of what i picked up in the transaction. In the end, though, I think we arrive at the same place im the end. To me, the image of beating back my demons (or, for the linux nerds in the crowd, daemons, which will be frighteningly accurate if you find out what they are…) like kudzu in order to obtain the kindom of heaven is my uphill battle in life.
Even my definition of kindom of heaven has changed over time. It used to mean the place in the sky where God lives. Now, I believe that I am God. That was supposed to get a big laugh orally. I’m funny in real life.
What I actually mean is that God, for me, is an internal driving force in my life because it helps me to understand who I am in the middle of absolute chaos. It forces me to acknowledge my flaws and failures, and I know every day that my faith is not dependent on God actually being there. To me, secular humanism and believing in God are the same thing, because even though humanists do not believe in God, they do recognize that there is energy that runs between us. Just because I choose to call it God and they don’t is a moot point. It’s like arguing over whether liking potatoes and rice are mutually exclusive. It’s always going to be subjective.
I don’t pray to get answers, because the answers come to me regardless of whether I believe that God lives in me or not. Praying is a way to organize my thoughts in a way that I don’t get through any other “medium.”
For me, praying is the answer to beating the kudzu back into a mustard seed, so that I can be the kind of plant Jesus intended, instead of the one that I did.