Yesterday, I finally broke down and called my rheumatologist. I know that she could see with her mind’s eye things wrong with my back that MRIs and X-rays miss. What she found is that the fascia between my shoulder blades feels like wood, it’s stretched so tight. I have prescriptions for an anti-inflammatory and several weeks of physical therapy.
She also said she doesn’t like how the mole looks on my back anymore, and inside, I was freaking the fuck out. My mom has called that mole on my back my “beauty mark” since I was a BABY. Getting it cut off is necessary and emotional at the same time because I had to learn to love it and my mom made it happen. I have to keep reminding myself that I am saving myself from cancer in the future, not slicing off the memory that goes with it. I also have to keep telling myself that I will still be beautiful even after my “beauty mark” is gone.
Man, it is just time for me to take care of so much that I’ve ignored about my own body. For instance, I flood Dana out of bed with night sweats, and that’s in addition to the aforementioned maladies. When I started fixing my mind, my body reminded me that it needed attention as well. I carried all of my stress between my shoulder blades and just repetitively injured it all day long at my desk jobs, and now I’m reaping what I’ve sowed. I’m in a lot of pain, but it feels good to be listening to it and responding. To me, that’s the best indication that depression is lifting- when something goes wrong to my body or my mind and I have enough will to want to fix it. When I am really, really depressed I stop trying to take up space in the world, stop trying to stand on my own. There’s no fight in me because there’s no point.
It’s truly a wonderful thing in my life to truly be able to point out the difference between “depressed” and “not depressed.” It’s a good jumping off point to being able to recognize triggers so that I can stop myself from going deeper at my own hand.
I’m so good at it, though. I mean, when you want a depression that will wallop you into a wall, you come see Mama. I tell you what to do.