Deja Moo: Part the Third

OUT of the deep have I called unto thee, O LORD;
Lord, hear my voice.
O let thine ears consider well
the voice of my complaint.
If thou, LORD, wilt be extreme to mark what is done amiss,
O Lord, who may abide it?
For there is mercy with thee;
therefore shalt thou be feared.
I look for the LORD; my soul doth wait for him;
in his word is my trust.
My soul fleeth unto the Lord before the morning watch;
I say, before the morning watch.
O Israel, trust in the LORD; for with the LORD there is mercy,
and with him is plenteous redemption.
And he shall redeem Israel
from all his sins.

The resurrection of this friendship came with my recognition that I was in the deep to begin with. She’d pushed me away in order to keep me from her broken places, which I took as a personal slight even though it was never meant to be. To my mind, it was based on something small that turned into something large because I felt like I was getting cut from the popular girls’ table and I reacted with just as much teenage bullshit.

Realistically, that was just an excuse to leave. When Diane pushed me away, I reacted the exact same way, and my inner teenager liked it just as much. This relationship was never supposed to go to that place of fear, where I am so shriveled up inside that I don’t think I have any options and stop taking up room… and start taking on their stories as my own. Same software, different case.

In my dreams last night, I figured out that she had to forgive me. If this is the play that we’re acting, if her actions are exorcising my demons, so be it. What could it hurt? The thing is to stop running from it and accept it for what it is. I could not possibly be fully formed after these 24 years enough to believe that this is a separate issue, that there is no crossover.

I’m not any different, but she is.

I cannot think of two people less alike than Diane and well, anybody else but especially _________. Still a fire sign, but the oldest instead of the youngest… which apparently means that we each have the skills to verbally wrestle each other to the ground, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. We are too strong together not to fight like that. It’s a sign of passion and interest, not anger.

The breakthrough came yesterday, because Dana and I both stayed home from church and talked. We ended up talking about me and said friend, but we didn’t set out to stay home from church and hash it out. Dana has hives so bad that she can barely move, they’re agitated by stress, and she has an appointment with an allergist soon so she can’t take anything for it. She is literally in so much discomfort that it makes me cry, like watching your firstborn get a Vitamin K injection in the heel.

The silver lining of the black cloud was having the time to talk.

We got to decide together what we were going to do, because I said what I needed and so did she.

Dana said she didn’t like sharing me with _____________.

I very nicely told her to get the fuck over it.

It sounds mean, but at the same time, that’s my boundary. You can’t take her away from me and I will fight with you until you see that. I need her to sit with it and figure out how much of me that ____________ can have, because she’s not going away and in fact may help me with some writing in the future. Dana not getting over it, in short, is a big problem.

Besides, I manage my own darkness left over from Diane quite well, and in the moments I falter, __________ is right there to remind me that it’s been a year and some change and she still hasn’t gotten the gay yet, so apparently you cannot catch it from Facebook Messenger, but to be fair I’m not sure. You should probably read the EULA (End User License Agreement).

We did not need to die. We needed to be reborn so that the chord between us was only hitting the right places instead of the wrong ones… and to that end, my response is look up to the heavens and thank God for the sun as I swim up toward it. I want to lie on the water, feeling the weightlessness of it all, and how glad that I am on the top instead of the bottom.

Thanks be to God.

Amen.

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