I feel like such a Disciple after the Ascension. Dumb guy, eager to please, and missing direction…. I think there are elements of that in me and ________ alike. I need to read the Book of Acts, or as I personally call it, “The Gospel of Holy Shit What Do We Do Now?” We’ve had the resurrection, now how do we maintain it? There’s a lot of hurt feelings on both sides, a lot of hurt pride. First children are both perfect. There are no flaws in either of our logic. And if you believe that Dana will personally laugh in your face with her second child tongue firmly in cheek.
This entire experience has been a lesson in love, because if we are both first children and always need to be right, someone has to give somewhere. Because I was the one that freaked out, I gave first. I could not be right and alone. I gave so that my heart would lead me instead of my head. However, of course we can’t rebuild Rome in a day, and this morning, the great philosophers Wilson Phillips’ “Hold On” was playing when I arrived at my parking space. I allowed myself to absolutely lose it for the length of the song, and it was brutal. Alligator tears because resurrection happens in the middle of the mess, and the mess hasn’t ended. We’d both like to live to fight another day, and we both have the capability to emotionally destroy each other.
Did I mention that we’re both first children? I cannot underestimate this influence, because I know better than I know anything else in the world that first children are authoritative to a fault. It’s all or nothing and we will both punch the wall until our knuckles bleed trying to wrestle it out. The blessing is that even though resurrection is hard, it’s worth it. I want her to be a part of my life until one of us dies.
She knows me better than my therapist, and in some ways, better than Dana because she lets me use her as a sounding board when there’s something I need to verbally process before I talk to her. There is no one with which I’d rather do the work, because maybe we’ll learn a thing or two about compromise instead of mutually assured destruction.
We will finally come together, I think, when we can both get down on our knees like Monica and Chandler, and admit that we can’t live without each other, but at the same time, we are both going to kick each other’s asses into next week for all eternity.
I really, really love you. I give.
And for those of you who are wondering how Dana feels about all this, there are so many levels of confidentiality that I cannot even. What I can say is that if she wants to identify herself, so be it. But that’s up to her. It is my hope that neither the Fanagans or I miss this relationship. It is too good, too exciting, too amazing, too frustrating, too “SAY UNCLE, DAMNIT.”
I have never been happier.