I think the hardest part of an Internet relationship is that when things go wrong, there’s very little way to apologize. When either of you think on the things you’ve told each other, you just can’t believe it. There’s someone out there that *knows* you. Not your body. Not your bullshit. Not the armor you wear in public.
So what happens when someone gets mad and slashes that level of trust? So far, the answer for me has been to regret it every moment since. She’s right. I could have handled things differently. At the same time, there’s no way to go backward, and neither of us are solid enough (yet, I hope) to go forward. Too proud. Too us.
I have to come to the realization that the resurrection may not take. The way I handled being frightened and threatened (becuase so much energy was going to her than Dana at times) was a stray cat backed into a corner that’s just had a bucket of ice water dumped on him. Oh, I take it back. I wasn’t even that nice.
I got to the place of PLEASE STOP THE PAIN I CAN’T HANDLE ANYMORE ANXIETY OH MY JESUS PLEASE STOP.
And then I couldn’t think straight anymore, as if I ever could. So I ran as hard as I possibly could, and you know what?
I got about fifteen feet before I tripped on a rock and started to cry. The problem with that is she’s a first child. There may or may not be a way to ever reach her again. First children don’t give their trust easily, and as I was reading over some of our conversations from the past year, I picked up everything that I had missed before.
She loves me so much she can’t breathe, either. I had to sit with that for a long time. Hours, even, because that means the fight was based on nothing more than not really believing that someone like that could love someone like me.
These are the moments when it’s hard for me to say that I do. I have to love me whether I’m amazing or not. And if it’s any consolation to other people that love me right now, it’s just as hard for me to love myself because I see all the irritants as clearly as you do. The difference is that you can run away from me, but I can’t.
I have to love me even if I lauched the torpedo that sank us.
I can’t promise, but what I can do is try. Try every day. Try like nothing else matters, because. it. doesn’t.