When Rev. said the word “Leslieisms,” it occurred to me that I am so out of touch with myself that I have very little concept of what that means. Inside my head, I’ve always been trying to protect someone else, so I have no idea what I look like on the outside. I am only now able to join society in a meaningful way, because until now, I have lived outside it. I had to. Really engaging meant letting go of the shame and pain I’ve carried until now. Really engaging meant I had to tell people I was trying to protect Diane. Tell people I am so overloaded with emotion that I cannot function in my daily life because I don’t care about anyone or anything except not letting anybody find out who I really am… which is one of the most beautifully manipulative people you’ve ever met in your life who is trying to admit that and fix it so that it never happens again. I have the will to be good-natured but not the ability. I have to break it down and reform it so that the chords I have with other people only hit the ones they’re supposed to. The ones that reflect pure, white light.
I have come so far since I decided to talk, and now feel like a warrior rather than a weakling. When I stopped spending processing power on how to keep Diane safe from where the chips fell, my stars aligned like they hadn’t before. I could spend time thinking about how I was going to handle things, instead of how “we” were.
I feel something that I haven’t felt since I was a kid.