Leslieisms

When Rev. said the word “Leslieisms,” it occurred to me that I am so out of touch with myself that I have very little concept of what that means. Inside my head, I’ve always been trying to protect someone else, so I have no idea what I look like on the outside. I am only now able to join society in a meaningful way, because until now, I have lived outside it. I had to. Really engaging meant letting go of the shame and pain I’ve carried until now. Really engaging meant I had to tell people I was trying to protect Diane. Tell people I am so overloaded with emotion that I cannot function in my daily life because I don’t care about anyone or anything except not letting anybody find out who I really am… which is one of the most beautifully manipulative people you’ve ever met in your life who is trying to admit that and fix it so that it never happens again. I have the will to be good-natured but not the ability. I have to break it down and reform it so that the chords I have with other people only hit the ones they’re supposed to. The ones that reflect pure, white light.

I have come so far since I decided to talk, and now feel like a warrior rather than a weakling. When I stopped spending processing power on how to keep Diane safe from where the chips fell, my stars aligned like they hadn’t before. I could spend time thinking about how I was going to handle things, instead of how “we” were.

I feel something that I haven’t felt since I was a kid.

Me.

4 thoughts on “Leslieisms

  1. Sharing your trials is empowering because now YOU are in control, instead of being controlled by your past. Remember, the past may have created who we are, but we have the power to decide what we become.

    Like

  2. I agree with that entirely, Norman, but you have no idea how hard it is to let go of your past if it has been one of gaslighting and abuse. It teaches you that you cannot trust your own opinions on decisions that would seem small- even down to the type of soda you like.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I do have an idea, but everyone’s journey is different, though we’re headed for the same destination. I’m just trying to support you on your journey. Give you a little something to look back on if you need a little pick me up, a reminder to keep things in perspective and keep moving forward to your goals in life.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s