Recovery/Relapse

Addicts talk all the time about their recovery and how easy it is to relapse. I have extrapolated that to believe I recover and relapse all the time, too. Except my drug isn’t alcohol, cocaine, etc. It’s dopamine created by my own brain when I interact with other people. It’s an addiction closer to Overeaters Anonymous, because there is nothing I can do to get out of my own head, just like salt/sugar/fat addicts cannot stop eating completely. It is just a dissonance that I’m learning to live with…. a Charles Ives chord that drowns my humility, grace, gratitude…. you name it. I slide down into my basest self and withdraw because I do not have the ability to function in relationships all that well. I am solid with Dana. I am solid with Aaron. These are the two people that live with me and see me all day, every day. These are the two people that have seen my enormous boatload of crazy and decided that I’m worth loving, anyway.

Well, technically, Aaron does not live here. He has his own room and uses it when he needs to get away for a while…. like a vacation home in the middle of Houston. We sit on the couch and watch Regular Show, or just chat until Dana wakes up. Aaron and I are morning people. Dana is, to put it mildly, not. So on the days that Aaron is here, we meet in the living room about 6:30 or 7:00 and just bullshit until one of us has to do something else.

Aaron and I are best friends because the content of our relationship is based on nothing. We are both each Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer with the same ridiculous plots. It is hilarious when we run “Aarons,” as I call them. Going to the electronics store. Going to the makerspace. Going on a wild goose chase for some car/truck part. It doesn’t matter. One of my favorite things in the world is going nowhere with him.

My high school girlfriend and I had the same relationship once we broke up and decided that even though we weren’t right for each other in a partner type way, we were perfect as beer and Xbox buddies. She even gave me a soundtrack for our relationship at that time in our lives, and because it is so precious to me, I want to give it to Aaron, too. The resurrection I need to happen in myself more than anything else is letting go of the people who don’t want my love and affection and continuing to celebrate those who do.

I was once told that my capacity to love was enormous, and so was my ability to give in to my anger. It’s just true. But that doesn’t mean my focus has to stay glued to the dark. I cannot right every wrong, but I can relish every right I’m able to achieve.

My relationship with Aaron is one of them. He is in Austin this weekend, so here it is…. about 6:30. What am I doing? Talking about Aaron like he’s right there in his chair, trying not to peek before I hit “post.” I love that guy.

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