Time decides who you you meet in your life. Your heart decides who you want in your life. Your behavior decides who stays in your life.
I got that from a Facebook graphic, and it was the first time that one of those things shared all over everywhere sent a knife through my chest. I have been dealing with want vs. behavior for months. My WANT says “please be in my life forever.” My BEHAVIOR says otherwise. I manage to piss people off regularly, and the bitch of it is that I don’t mean to. I think all the time. Thoughts flow out of me like water. I don’t have a very good gauge as to how my thoughts are going to come across to other people….. that other people aren’t going to see me for the tiny philosopher king I strive to be. They’re going to see me as a meddling asshole. And of course I don’t mean everyone thinks that, but when I’m in the middle of a conflict with someone, it takes the color out of my world.
The reason it does is that I know I participated in emotionally bombing someone because I didn’t think about how my words would change from being written to being read. I sit at my computer and calmly type away, because typing allows me to look at huge issues while keeping land mines untripped. I can talk about things easily because when I’m typing, I don’t generally emote as well. There have been times, like when I wrote When We Were Young. During that one, I cried and screamed all the way through it. 90% of the time, I am stock still. Only my fingers are moving.
Then, when my words are read, I sit there in shock as I realize my words have hurt someone, because it didn’t occur to me that they wouldn’t be reading in the same headspace I was when I was writing. That they might emote where I didn’t even flinch. It’s something that I’ve been thinking about constantly, because writing is something that I just can’t help and their reactions aren’t, either. It’s their choice whether to continue to interact with me or not, and that’s where my helplessness reaches its height.
There comes a point where I can’t make it right again. There aren’t enough amends in the world.
My behavior decides, and I crumble with want.