Dana just got hired as the Receiver for the Spec’s in West U. I told her that now we could both be Receivers together (because she keeps track of inventory and I am a Lois Lowry fan). The most interesting part of Dana’s interview (after the part about “you work here now”) is that they need cashiers at other stores and I’m already hired if I need a job. That’s right. Dana showed up to an interview and I got a job. I wasn’t even there, and I got a job. I was telling some of my friends at church that this was the best thing to happen to my web site in a long time. Plus, it’s a liquor store. They’re closed on Sundays. That’s God right there.
It is as if God is saying to me, “when you put light into the world, you get it back.” I have been working honestly on a writing career, and I have been working so hard that my wrists are numb at the end of the day, along with my lower back. I also put out into the world that I wanted a job where I wasn’t on call…. that all I had to do was spend 40 hours a week making money and the rest of the time I was free to write away. Because working at a liquor store will be my job, not my career. I am not defined by anything but my words. My words matter to me, and they’ve started to mean something to other people. I cannot and will not walk away from that fact. It is not my opinion that my writing heals people. I didn’t start saying it until it had happened three or four times (always get at least three sources). I have a benchmark for success, and that benchmark is how many people are healed by my words instead of hurt by them.
I tanked Clever Title because I could not see the forest for the trees. Writing about my life hurt my friends, so therefore, it wasn’t worth doing. This time around, I have done it differently. I have told all my friends up front that I’m a writer, I’ll always be a writer, and you’ll always be a part of me. I am not using you to get hits, I am talking about my life AND YOU ARE IN IT. If I don’t write about you, you don’t mean much to me at all, because it means that you don’t value my talent or are running in fear of it because you see yourself as some sort of target.
I will say this again, because I’ve said it before and it’s still true. I don’t write to hurt anyone. I write so that my friends will live forever. Three hundred years from now, people will still know that Aaron, Argo, and Dana are the closest to me because they are officially NOT. IMPRESSED. When I told Argo that I was going into the ministry, she said something about not being sure about the whole God thing. I said, “I don’t need you for that. I need you so that when I start talking to God, I don’t start to believe I am one.” She said, “I can do that.”
I didn’t think it would be a problem in the slightest.
Here’s what Jesus wouldn’t tell you that I will. When you’re a leader that comes from the people, when you start to get recognized elsewhere, you need to keep the people around you that were never impressed in the first place. Why do you think that the Disciples are so important? How are James, John, Thomas and Peter any different from CJ, Toby, Josh and Leo? To the Disciples, they had to take it on faith that Jesus’ ministry would be successful and that by following him, they were doing the right thing. They put up with a tremendous amount of emotional bullshit, because Jesus and I are a lot alike. When you ask us questions, sit back and be prepared for the answer, because it will be the equivalent of you asking me how my fish and chips taste and getting back the entire history of fish and chips because that’s where my mind went when you gave me that starting point. Questions do not get answers. They get trails and ellipses. I think out loud to my detriment.
People say that my mind fascinates them. I never know what to say to that, because I’m not sure what they mean by it. It’s too generic a compliment for someone that has serious self-doubt issues, because my first thought was, “like a zoo animal?” Of course. Of course that’s what they mean, jackass.
This is why we can’t have nice things.
This is also why I’m glad to have a job as a cashier. I can be polite, friendly, courteous, and at the end of the day, go home and enjoy my career.