The fiction in my family is that my great uncle was CIA, supposedly killed in a military coup somewhere in Africa. What gave us that impression is that we did not get his personal effects until years and years later. None of these stories have ever been proven. It’s just our hunch. The CIA does not advertise if it doesn’t want you as a basic analyst. We have no proof, but we believe it to be true.
I was abused as a child, therefore, a lot of my personality screams sociopath. Light is a choice I make daily. I choose to be filled with Christ’s love, and I am strengthened by the same holy spirit that worked through him. It allows me to have more love and compassion than I can ever gather on my own. God fills the spaces in me that feel nothing. Light is a direction, and I am going with it… because the light did not shine the brightest until I surrendered to the idea that I am a sociopath and I need God more than most. The biggest problem I have is not inflicting that lack of emotion on others. It’s something I’ve made the choice to work on daily, and it has made me silent on the outside as I sit and ruminate on the choices that God is asking me to make.
The way those two paragraphs merge is my head space when I was reading the CIA torture report. The sociopath in me thought the operatives were………………….. creative. The risen Christ in me said that my responsibility is not to care what those people have done and to love them anyway. It’s a tape that’s been running since childhood. I can love people no matter how far they fall because I’ve sat with evil longer than anyone else and we know each other now. My entire life I have known that my great uncle was in the clandestine service, so the idea of extorting intel has never been offensive to me. Under the right set of circumstances, I would be capable of doing it myself. I know that because it has been proven over centuries that under the right set of circumstances, anyone can do anything.
Just because I can doesn’t mean I will. Living in clean, white light has been the best thing about using my web site to think in longhand. Others’ reactions to my writing have helped me learn the invaluable lesson of surrender, because I have had to learn to compromise……. to give more than I thought I could and love more than I thought I could to the glory of receiving the light that flows through me. I’ve really had the time and space to reflect on what I think, regardless of others’ reactions. I invite dialogue with the recognition that this is my web site, and you have the right to your opinion, but at the end of the day your disagreement probably belongs in your own blog entry because I am not threatened by the fact that you take up as much emotional space as I do. In my world, your stories are all as large as the one happening on this page right now.
The light I have to give you is that I came into my relationship with God as someone with two distinct personalities…. one light, one dark. As those sides have merged, my darkness hasn’t gone without a fight. I expected it to. I wanted it to. And the reality was that I kept coming up short. I had to seriously piss myself off enough at the decisions I was making to see that I was perpetuating a darkness I didn’t need. I moved myself out of the way, and God started talking to me differently….. and I know why.
Until my personalities started merging, I thought I was smarter than God while at the same time convinced that even if I thought God was smarter than me, I wasn’t worthy of redemption, anyway. Two things happened to ease the darkness down the road a bit.
The first was changing my focus. God isn’t the grandfather in the sky. I am God. You are God. We are all God together, because society’s response to the divine is more important than the divine itself. You go to church, pray, and give money because it should feed the divine in you, not that God cares one way or the other.
My answer to whether or not God exists will always be the same. “Why does it matter?” With faith, you can’t factually prove shit. I choose to believe so that I am not the walking sociopath my history tells me I am. I choose light. I choose faith. I choose belief.
Because I know God, and she is wonderful.