I have an ink and paper journal that I hardly ever use because of my carpal tunnel syndrome, but still, it has its uses when I’m out and about, so I keep it around. I mostly use it to sit at SBUX and doodle, which, in my line of work, is what you’re paying for at $25/book. Writers unpack while thinking about something else and it’s the connection between the old thing that’s been running for 20 years and the new thing that just started 20 seconds ago that’s why you’re running to the bookstore screaming “shut up and take my money!” Well, I suppose you don’t have to yell if you’re using Whispernet, but you get my drift.
Anyway, the first sentence in every entry is “the beer is cold” whether I was drinking beer or not. It just became a thing. A phrase that means nothing to anyone but me, which is that when I sit down, I’d start the conversation by talking to someone. The best way you do that is with small talk. So whomever metaphysically came to sit with me while I wrote (my dad, my boss, my friends, my girlfriends, etc) got the opening line… the beer is cold…..
You haven’t been able to go to a bookstore and “buy me” yet, but you might one day. I’m like a young wine. Give me some time to mature as a human and as a writer before expecting something that great. Now is not the time for fruit. Now is the time for seeds.
I took yesterday off from doing everything except cooking. Stayed in my private brain space instead of my public one because I had a lot on my mind and a lot of baking to do about it. Pain tastes better when accompanied by blueberry muffins. And by pain, I don’t mean gut-wrenchingly so…. just “oh my God it’s 2015 and I haven’t even learned 2014 yet…. 2013 is still waiting for me to bat cleanup……….” I am trying to mentally clean out my closet, and several years are attacking me at once.
I feel a peace that I haven’t felt, well, ever. So much of me has been torched that there isn’t much left. I am an empty shell, but do not misunderstand me. The fire needed to burn me up so that only good nutrients remained. I had to go through so much pain to reach so much peace. I treated people out of my illness instead of out of my empathy, and now that I’m aware of the problem, I can do so much more about it than I could when I didn’t know it was happening at all. Awareness in mental illness is key. I have learned all the ways that other people can and will hurt me; now I am learning all the ways that I hurt people to protect myself and why they are simply no longer necessary. There is no fight anymore, if there ever was… and that is my 2014 in a nutshell.
Even if it was never a fight, I fucking won.